The Spike: or, Victoria University College Review, June 1922
Mr. Dooley on University Reform
Mr. Dooley on University Reform.
"I see ye been writin' to th' pa-apers, Dooley," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Go on," said Mr. Dooley. "Who told ye?"
"No wan," said Mr. Hennessy. "I guessed it was'ye because th' letther was signed 'Raytarned Soljer.' Ye ain't no raytarned soljer. Dooley."
Mr. Dooley looked a little dazed. "Hinnissy," he said at last, "ye'er logic is too powerful f'r me. Ye stun me. I might as well own up to it: I did not write that letther. 'Twas writ be young Hogan, that saw th' Grreat War fr'm th' Hot Sody Wather Dippartmint iv th' Armontares Branch iv th' Y.M.C.A. He met ivrywan that visited th' fightm' an' he says he niver incmmtered th' profane ixprission 'strath' but wance. That was whin a low Aussie come in fr'm a vilesmellin' trinch an' discovered that th' wurrud 'Canteen' didn't mane th' same thing it did at home. I'd hate to tell ye all th' feelin' raymarks he made on th' matlher, but young Hogan says they was enough to raise a blister on an iceberg, an' 'struth' was the most appallin' iv th' lot."
"It's plain to me though, Jawn, that t'hey's nawthin' I c'n hide fr'm ye. If I wasn't doin' annythin' at all, ye'd come along an' tell me its noospaaper name an' how manny Orders in Council had been got under th' rope prohibitin' it. They's no use me now jinin' that 'Varsity debatin' s'ciety that young Hogan tells me with sorrow is underminin' th' Impire; ye'd confound me in two twos be askin' me if I still raymimbered th' wurruds iv th' Grand National an' what th' chune was like. Supposin' I told ye me life's ambition was to baycome a pupil teacher an' that I wint to th' Thrainin' College. Would it desave ye? Not a bit iv it! Ye'er ratiocinations, as Tom calls 'em, wud inform ye that I was really a wild Bolsheevik, with a bomb in wan pocket an' a pitcher iv Sir Edward Carson in th' other. An likely as not ye'd yell f'r a young cop to go along drissed up as a wurrukin' man to find out what sort iv stuff I read on Sundahs."
"It makes me sad to think where ye'er jaynius is headin' yeSince ye tuk over that job in th' Shovel Sarvice, ye've been me chief soorce iv revvynoo, drinkin' off th' stuff left on me hands through th' wurrukin' man takin' to community singin'; savin' iv coorse what ye spint on provrn' th' breed iv horses at Trintham Not that I begrudge ye that, Jawn. I'll say this f'r ye, that ye niver picked anny but th' poor onforchnit annymals that needed th' funds to pay their funeral ixpinses with. A humane instinct that does credit to ye'er modd'sty, Jawn, f'r I niver hear ye boastin' about it. But I feel I'm goin' to lose ye. Now that ye've givin up usin' ye'er brains an' taken to jumpin' at conclusions, they' only wan thing f'r it. Ye'11 have to inter Parlymint an' baycome a mimber ivth' Cabinetmakers' Union."
"What ar're ye talkin' about, Dooley?" said Mr. Hennessy, a little anxiously. "I mightn't wurruk f'r me livin', 'tis true, but I know as well as ye do that I'm still an honest man."
"Ar're ye now?" said Mr. Dooley, with interest. "Well, it's not ye'er morTs I'm discussin'; it's ye'er intellect. Ye'er mintal procisses appear to run in th' same channels as th' idees iv a prize pollytician. Gutters, some people wud call thim, but ye needn't take anny notice iv that. Ye won't anny way, whin ye get a grip iv th' salary. Wan fine day I'll take up me sixteen pages f'r tuppence an' there'll be ye'er name standin' out like ye cud cure a headache instid iv startin' wan. 'Cabinit Vacancy Filled. Mr. Hinnissy th' Lucky Man. Inthristin' Cer'mony. A pleasant little function took place yisterdah in th' offices iv th' Wellfed Leg, whin Mr. Jawn Hinnissy, th' poppylar mimber f'r Newtown Parrk, baycome th' Honorrable Mr. Jawn Hinnissy, Minister iv Altercation. Th' bar was tastefully dicorated with sprays iv orange lilies an' Bulgarian buds. Mr. Hinnissy insisted on bein' his own bist man; as he humorously ixprissed it, he'd like to hear annywan say they was a betther. Whin th' Ministertobe intered, leanin' on th' arrms iv wan or two frinds an' carryin' a bookay consistin' iv th' white flower iv a blameless life, they was a barst iv tremenjus applause, which only subsided whin a Sargint iv Polis, his beautiful figger charmingly attired in a Schneidemade costyume iv crapedaycheen sharmoose dilicately shaded to produce a lovely bobby blue effect, came in to see what th' trouble was about an' was there anny left. With tears iv pride in his eyes, th' Minister iv Ixtarnal Symbols gave away th' oath to Mr. Hinnissy, who carefully ixamined it f'r anny signs iv dislielty an' thin, amid th' cheers iv his collagues, took it three times. In a happy little speech, th' new Minister rattarned thanks. Th' counthry was passin' through a peeriod, he said, an' his raysponsibility was terrific. But he was no ornery man. (Hear, hear.) Annywan that thought so had rats. (Laughter.) An' he was goin' afther thim rats. (Loud cheers.) 'In fact, he hoped he was not igivin' away army official saycrits whin he told thim that wan iv his first acts iv offis wud be to set a thrap in Wicked Tory a Collige. (Tremenjus applause.) He had read somewhere (hear, hear)—in th' noospaapers, perhaps (applause)—that th' profissors iv that disliel instichoochion (groans) had been lechurin' simpleminded stujints on th' subjec' iv paaper money, which, his hearers would be shocked to larn, did not contain th' King's head! (Sinsation an' cries iv 'shame!') Well, he was goin' to provide thim with some coppers instid (cheers); an' thin—if th' indivijooals he was rayferrin' to didn't ray mimber to salute (Th' rist iv th' Minister's raymarks was drowned in terriffic applause.).' "
"Jawn, ye'll have th' time iv ye'er life! Ye may have been too old, or whativer th' doctor said, to go to th' latelaminted War, but ye'll git more fun than ye hope f'r fr'm th' trouble ye c'n start at home. An' all th' liel hearrts iv th' community will fall in with ye. They won't be a wake goes by but somewan'll put up a windmill f'r ye to tilt at. An' whativer happens, they'll alwus be a couple iv windmills round an' about Kalbarn that'll niver fail ye. With a hearrt burst in' with pride, I'll folly ye'er career. I'll read things like this: 'Press Associayshun ixtraornery—fr'm our spishal correspondint—not th' idditorial opinyun iv th' Northcliffe Times onliss ixprissly stated—Columbia raycords. A raygrittable incident has occurred at Whakatapiff which is agitatin' th' minds iv liel cittyzens. A meetin' was called th' other day f'r th' parpose iv holdin' a community sing an' nobody tarrned up ixcipt th' convaner. A circumstance which caused a good dale iv onaisiniss in th' dist/hrict was the total absince iv Wicked Torya Collige stujints fr'm th' meet in' an' th' opinyun is freely ixprissed that sinister inflooenoes is at wurruk in th' 'Varsity. Last night a laarge an' daytarmined meetin' iv th' ilictors iv Whakatapiff carri'd a resylution daymandin' that this disliel instichoochion be pulled down, th' profissors dayported, th' farnichoore sold be auction an' th' stujints licensed out to th' porr farrmers. Th' Minister, Mr. Hinnissy, has wired promisin' an imme jit inquiry. Inthristin' day vilipmints ar 're awaited.' "
"That'll be ye'er signal to act, Jawn.' Ye'll hurl ye'er feet off ye'er blottin' pad, put a clove in ye'er mouth, an' priss th' first button that seems handy. 'I don't smell anny smoke, Sir,'says ye'er sicritary, pushin' his face round th' dure. 'Th' arrmy is inpayril,' says ye. 'Git me an inquiry form, quick!' 'Sorry, Sir,' he says he, takin' off his shoes an' interin'. 'I've just raytrinched th' staff. Come to think iv it, though,' says he, 'they's wan felly lift, because he came in on his stummick instid iv disrayspectfully like th' rist. A parrfect officer. But he's busy just now writin' down th' effects iv Johnny Walker on th' ayquilibrium iv Tim Tracy, a pamphlet that's to be compulsor'ly distributed among hotelkeepers an' private schools to bear th' cost. Perhaps,' he says, seein' ye stealthily reachin' f 'r sompthin', 'he'll rayquisition f'r some forrins whin I tell him what ye said.' In joo coorse th' Printin' Office fellies finish argyin' about which they'll jine, th' N.Z. Alliance or th' Navy Leg, an' sind ye a supply. Ye write down ye'er opinyun on wan an' hand it to ye'er sicritary. 'Git some fellies that'll daycide like that f'r me,' says ye. 'An' make a do iv it this time. It costs me free dhrinks at Martin Dooley's whiniver I have to go over these things more than five or six times befure I gits what I wants.' 'Impossible, Sir,' says th' sec. 'All th' dayvoorce ditictives is wurrukin' overtime at prisint, an' Tom Foresight has daysarted to th' innimy. Ye'll have to risk it with mm that might be onprayjudiced.' 'Thunder an' blitzen!' says ye. 'I thought whin I tuk over this job that I cud do as I liked.' 'Ye can't, Sir,' says th' sicritary, very jayspictfully, 'not onliss ye're an Order in Council or Vryn Evans. But I'll tell ye what. Ye c'n take it out on th' Entertainin' Collige. Thim girruls is larnin' a sight too much an' ain't spendin' their pay th' way they shud.' 'Oh, ye old Lothario,' says ye, 'to suggist it, an' me niver anny good with th' wimmin' ixcipt th' very quietest wans. But,' says ye, 'what's that I hear about money? Is it possible we're overpayin' thim? What do they want with money annyway whin even th' Varsity tells 'era that wisdom is more'n enough? Go an' find out what they do with it all, but f'r th' love of Mike don't sthep on Bill Kennedy or he'll bite ye.' "
"Ignrint onlookers'll tell ye, Jawn, that ye shud inthrist ye'er self in lielty an' leave ejucation to th' noospaapers. But don't ye believe thim.. They's a place f'r ivrythin', even if it's only on an old clay patch, an' th' proper place f'r lielty is in thrade. It's th' finest saycrit iv success iver discovered, an' as profitable as losin' an arrm or a leg at th' front or losin' nawthin' at all but gettin' home firrst. Not so painful ayther, Jawn, though ye mightn't credi it fr'm th' nize it makes a man sind up. An' lielty c'n be made to cover a multitude iv sinse. As me old frind, Rudeyard Kippering, used to say, 'Do what ye like, me bye, but wave somethin' while ye do it. It makes all th' diff'rinee.' Anny chamber iv comics'll tell ye they's nawthin' like it f'r whippin' selfish cittyzens into givin' thim an xtry rake-off instid iv sharin' it with some onscrupulous furriner what offers ye th' same goods at an infeeryor price. Lielty's th thing that brings in th' sugar, me bye. If ye're only a humble clurk an don't like th' man nixt ye, call him a Bolsheevik so's th' boss c'n hear; thin hop in lively an' ask f'ra rise befure annywan asks ye what th' wurrud means. An if ye're a public man, rayniimbor always to keep th' wanderin' mind iv th poppylace fixed on inspirin' thoughts like th low cunnm' iv th' innirny or how Horatio Bottomley won th' War; it'll disthract their attintion fr'm anny pet little schame ye might be puttin' across. An' it don't cost aunythin' more than a little nize. Be 'hivins, Jawn! I've come to believe more than iver that th' most liel man on arrth was John Philip Sousa."
"There's where Varsity teachin' needs rayform, Jawn. It's a crime against humanity, all that talkin' goin' on with niver a wurrud to tell ye how cheap is th' uses iv advartissmint. It' I had me way, I'd put blinkers on th' profissors an' waddin' in th' ears iv th' stujints; thin I'd hand th' lot over to th' Wellfed Leg to supply thim with suitable reaclin'. That's th' only kind iv rayform that'll do anny good. In anny case, Jawn, too much education, as Bacon says, robs th' mind iv sleep. If ye teach th' young idee to shoot, they's no tellin' but what it'll throw bombs nixt."
"Ye've got a grrand wind, Dooley," said Mr. Hennessy, "but ye're not talkin much sinse."
"Jawn," said Mr. Dooley, sadly, "th' bist people don't, not whin ayther lielty or th' Varsity is th' topic."
—P.J.S.