Victoria University College. Capping Week May 4th, to May 9th. "Willum the Conk" [1931]Victoria University College. Capping Week May 4th, to May 9th. "Willum the Conk" [1931][electronic resource]Creation of machine-readable versionKeyboarded by KiwiTechCreation of digital imagesKiwiTechConversion to TEI-conformant markupKiwiTechca. 88 kilobytesVictoria University of Wellington LibraryWellingtonModern English,
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2016Victoria University College. Capping Week May 4th, to May 9th. "Willum the Conk" [1931]Victoria University College Students' AssociationWellington1931Source copy consulted: Victoria University of Wellington Library, JC Beaglehole Room, LG741 V C28873918Carnival
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Victoria University College Capping and Extravanza Committees
The following Ladies and Gentlemen are responsible or this week of noise and nonsence. Each of them will do his or her job with that maximum of inefficiency dear to the hearts of Students. Everything will go wrong, but the blame will be handed on from one to another. A happy band of little brothers and sisters.
ChairmanW. P. Rollings.Secretary & ConvenorM. E. Mahoney.Business ManagerA. C. Jessep.ProducerA. D. Priestley.Orchestra & SongsT. J. Paul.Property & Stage ManagerF. Cormack.Practice Organiser and Procession LeaderH. J. Bishop.WardrobeMisses H. Dunn & D. Martyn RobertsPress AdvertisementH. R. Bannister.Novelty AdvertisementJ. Whitcombe.InvitationsMiss M. Briggs.BoquetsM iss M. Gibbs.DecorationsMiss Julia Dunn.SupperC. M. Turner.PrintingW. J. Mountjoy, Jnr.Ticket DistributionG. Crossley.Booking & SalesA. B. W. Darroch.
On any of the above matters consult the persons concerned—they will be found to be a mine of information— mostly incorrect.
One Glorious Week.
Monday, May 4th.:
Willum the Conk—Town Hall, 8 p.m.
Tuesday, May 5th.:
Willum the Conk—Town Hall, 8 p.m.
Wednesday, May 6th.:
Spell — oh!
Thursday, May 7th.:
Undergraduates' Supper—Gamble and Creed's, Willis and Creed's, Willis St., 8.15 p.m.
Friday, May 8th.:
Capping Procession—11.30 a.m. -2 p.m.
Graduation Ceremony—Town Hall, 8 p.m.
Capping Ball—Town Hall, 10 p.m.—Dawn.
"Rest and be Thankful."
College Songs
The Song of Victoria College.
Aedem colimus MinervaeActi desiderioArtes nosse liberalesHoc in HemispherioAedem colimus MusarumSub Australi sidereNos a Musis maria longaNequeunt dividere.ChorusOh Victoria, sempiternaSit tibi felicitasAlma Mata, peramataPer aetates maneas.Studiosi, studiosaeCaptant sapientiamCirca venti turbulentiAuferunt desidiam.Omnium CollegiorumSurgit hoc novissimumErgo vires juvenilesExhibent fortissimum.Corpus sanum ne sit absensProperamus ludereSubter jugum occupantesFuste pilam trudere.Voces dignas CiceroneAudias effundereOratores, OratricesEt sellas pertundere.
Sports' Chorus.
Air: "Huntsmen's Chorus," from "Der Freischutz." (Weber)."When the air's like wine in sunny weather,And the winds blow cobwebs from the brains;When Latin's folly and Law's terrorAnd the blood goes dancing through the veins,Then hey! for where your fancy racesAway from the city's stifling gripTo the playing fields and open placesAnd let the world of toilers slip!ChorusThen here's to the long white road that beckons,The climb that baffles, the risk that nerves,And here's to the merry heart that reckonsThe rough with the smooth, and never swerve!Be it hockey-stick or oval leather,Or skiff or racquet, rod or gun,Here's luck to the sport we've had together,For the chances lost and battles won;For the wicket true, and field in fettle,And the man who's safe for a tingling catch,For the losing team that shows its mettle,And the man who wins his heat from scratch.
Final Chorus.
Air: "The Old Brigade."Just one stave more, and the song is done,A stave for the olden time,One age has passed, and the age to comeIs the age of the Golden prime.So praise we the men who have passed away,Who held to a legend boldWhatever a sordid world may say,Wisdom is more than gold.
(Chorus (to be Sung Twice).
So when we are singing of College,Singng the songs of old,Think of the past,Hold to the last,That it's wisdom that's more than gold.For this is the burden of the worldWhich it speaketh day by day,Though many a worldly lip be curledWith a sneer that it does not pay.In our ears is the voice of a Mammon age,In our hearts is a tale that's old,The tale of our garnered heritage—The Wisdom that's more than gold.
The Ball
"And beautiful maidens moved down in the dance,With the magic of motion and sunshine of glance;And white arms wreathed lightly, and tresses fell freeAs the plumage of birds in some tropical tree. (Probably parrots).
At 10 past meridionem the dance will open. At midnight, supper. At dawn, City Council milk. In the interval, between ten and five, the orchestra will play the following Negroid Noises:
Beyond the Blue Horizon.Mr. and Mrs. Sippi.My Mad Moment.A Peach of a Pair.Sweet Jennie Lee.Eleanor.Betty Co-ed.Three Little Words.Give Me a Moment.Singing a Song to the Stars.On a Balcony in Spain.Old Fashioned Girl.I'll Be Blue Just Thinking of You.Hurry On.Little White Lies.Miss You.Cheer Up.Extras By F. Rubenstein.
"What has posterity done for him?" "And so to Bed."
Undergraduates' Supper
Held at Gamble and Creeds,' Willis St., on Thursday, 7th May, at 8. 15 p.m.,
⋵ Programme ⋵
Toast.—"The KingProfessor Gould.Song.—"The Song of Victoria University College."Toast.—"The Professorial Board."W. P. Rollings.Reply.Professor Gould.Item.D. Edwards.Toast..—"The Graduates."R.J. ReardonReply.W. J. Mountjoy, Jr.Song.—"The Sports' Chorus."Toast.—"The Students' Association."Professor Cornish.ReplyProfessor G. W. Von Zedlitz.Item.L. W. Rothwell.Toast. "Absent Friends."R. J. Larkin.Toast.—"The Ladies."H. J. Bishop.ReplyA. D. Priestley.Song. "Final Chorus."
List of Graduates, 1931.
"Night after night
He sat and bleared his eyes with books."
—Longfellow.
Doctor of Laws.
Cunningham, Herbert Adam.
Masters of Arts with Honours.
Bowler, Clifford Patrick (2nd Class in History).Bryant, Max Gordon (2nd Class in English).Donald. David James (2nd Class in Philosophy).Fair brother, Lewis Mervyn (2nd Class in Education).Huntingdon, F. (2nd. Class in French).Jessep, Alexander Cormack (2nd Class in French).Kennedy, John Joseph (2nd Class in History).McIlroy, Clarice Annie (2nd Class in English).Presants, Alice Myrtle (2nd Class in French).Sculler, William Henry (2nd Class in History.)Trapp, Phyllis Burney (1st Class in English).Walls. Edward James (2nd Class in History).
Masters of Arts.
Britton, William Leslie Shirtliff.Harry, Kathleen Avery.Patterson, Dorothy.Perry, Edgar William Geil.Russell, Leslie.
Bachelors of Arts.
Alcorn, Winifred Jean.Atkinson, Janet.Benge, Alfred Havelock.Briggs, Mildred.Burrell, Evelyn Jean.Calvert, Cyril Gordon.Chisholm, Lovdy Hilda.Colebrook, Evelyn Jean.Cooke, George Percy.Cooper, Vera Isabell.Dive, William John.Duncan, Chrissic Lucille.Dunningham, Archibald George William.Ellis, Dorothy Jean.Evans, Nancy Gwyneth.Fisher, Eric Hayward.Huggins, Mildred Collis.Huntington, Elizabeth.Insull, Herbert Alexander Horace.Irwin, Raymond Douglas Lyle.Jefferies, William John.Landon-Lane, Veronica Minnie.Latham, Thomas Fitzherbert.Linton, Jane Phyllis.Macdonald, Margaret Mathie.Mewhnney, Nettie... Elizabeth.Miller, Constance Mary McNair.Morgan, Hazel Noel Emily.Mountjoy, William Joseph.Murray, John Richardson.McCaul, Kathleen Margaret.McLean, Mary Minnie.Naumann, Audrey.Nolan, Rita Mary Patricia.Norris, Thomas.Pow, Doris Hutchison.Prendeville, Phyllis Helen.Ramson, Frederick Stanley.Rockel, Sydney.Sanlant, Meevyn Wilfred.Scrimgeour, Muriel Elizabeth.Sewell, Margaret Avice Ruth.Shale, Veronica Mary.Shallcrass, Jean.Slyfield, Millicent Doreen.Stewart, Marjorie Gordon.Thompson, Harold Warrington.Veitch, Joan.Williams, Frederic George.Wright, Jean Ellen Fortesque.
Master of Science with Honours.
Campbell, Dora Isabel (2nd Class in Botany).Ellison, Dorothy Jean (2nd. Class in Chemistry).Hendrikson, Eric Ernest (2nd Class in Mathematics).Hyde, Edward Oliver Charles (2nd Class in Botany).Plank, Eileen Annie (1st. Class in Zoology).
Bachelors of Science.
Ardell, Beatrice Evelyn.Clark, Percival James Comfort.Denz, Frank Anton.Galpin, Nancy Margaret.Hall, Thomas Richard.Irwin, Archibald Havelock.Jackson, Frederic.Morice, Isobel Murray.McGavin, William Keith.Sapsford, Hubert Bruce.Shorland, Francil Brian.Steele, Colin Aister.Stong, John Austin.Sykes, Philip Howard.Wood, Herbert John.
Masters of Laws with Honours.
Clarke, Ronald Olivert Robert (2nd. Class in Int. Law and Confl. of Laws, Cont. and Torts. Negligence, etc.).Haughey, Edward James (2nd. Class in Rom., Law, Cont. and Torts. Trusts).McCarthy, Thadens Pearcey (1st. Class in Int. Law and Conf. of Laws, Cont. and Torts, Negligence, etc.).Wills, Eric Philp (2nd Class in Int. Law and Conf, of Laws, Real Property, Companies).
Masters of Laws.
Fletcher, Walter Vernon Roy.Hart, Irvine Alfred.Kennard, Harry Alfred.Macarthur, Ian Hannay.Rutherford, Robert Charles.
Bachelors of Laws.
Bailey, Henry Charles.Bishop, Henry James.Brooker, Percival Mahan.Burke, Ambrose Patrick.Burnes, Robert Alexander.Xoopwe, George Ormond.Crossley, Graham.D'Arcy, Douglas Clendon.Davies, Alfred Noden.Diedrich, Roy Edward.Foot, Frederick John.Mahoney, Michael Eric.Maitland, Harold Arthur Elrington.Rowse, Noel Hart.Sidey, Thomas Kay Stuart.Wylie, Thomas Kay Stuart.Yaldwyn, John Bradley.Rollings, W. P.
Masters of Commerce with Honours.
Nankervis, Richard John (2nd. Class in Economics and Law of Companies).Perry, Selwyn Harry [2nd. Class in Economics and Economic History).
Bachelors of Commerce.
Glendinning, Donald George.Jackson, George Myers Frost.Laing, Richard James.Rout, Ernest Brownlow.Sutch, William Ball.
Diploma in Education.
Bailey, Colin Lennie.Hislop, Thomas Gordon.Hogg, Ralph.McCormick, Eric Hall.Thomas, Violet Ermelinda Duckers.Beckway, Rere.
Diploma in Journalism.
Yule, Dulcimea (from Canterbury).
There is a mis-spell word appearing on rear inside coyer. For the first correct solution sent in, a framed photo of Arthur Law, Mr. Macassey, or Mr. R. A. Wright will be given. Enclose with each entry 300 used tram concession tickets.
The Capping Procession.
The Procession has become in almost every part of the world a recognised part of Graduation ceremonies. Lorries laden with grotesque figures parade the streets, to the amazement of staid citizens and to the delight of the crowd. Perhaps the chief enjoyment comes from the feeling of expectancy — one is never quite sure what is going to happen. Usually the most hair-brained schemes and stunts find favour with the revellers. Stop the Post Office clock! Put out an imaginary fire in the Midland! Of course the next day there are indignant letters from "Mother of Ten" and "Pro Bono Publico," but after all what would our newspapers be without contributions from the above pillars of the Empire?
Year in and year out we have the Procession and the Speeches, and it will be a sorry day for New Zealand when such institutions are forbidden. To laugh and to play are heritages which are worth holding to, and the Kill Joys who would rob us of our Capping Procession are very poor in their appreciation of the best things of life.
The burgesses of the City Suprema a Situ will be pained and entertained this year by the caricature of a number of current events and prominent people. The victims include:
Lord and Lady Baden-Powell.General Depression Interred.Ten Per Cent Cut.No. 7 Relief Scheme.The Closure.Mr. Baxter and his Footballers.Australian Cricket Team.The Discovery.The Professorial Board.
Coming Events.
Herewith for your benefit a list of functions for the year. You are invited to be present: —
May 9-12.—S.C.M. Visit of Dr. T. Z. Koo,
May 15—Reading. "The Romantic Young Lady." (Sierra).
May 16—Visitors' Debate. "That the Arbitration Court Should be Abolished."
May 22.—Reading: "Badger's Green." (Sheriff).
May 22-24 S.C.M. Week-end Camp, Hutt Park.
May 23-29 S.C.M. Return Visit. Dr. T. Z. Koo.
May 29 Broadcast Debate: "That Democracy is a Failure."
May 30—Man's and Women's Hockey Club Dance.
June 5—Reading: "And So To Bed." (Fagan).
June 12—Reading: "The Silver Tassie." (O'Casey).
June 20—Pug, Gun and Social Service Club's Dance.
June 24—S.C.M. "Citizenship in the Ideal City. J. W. Mawson, Esq.
June 26 Broadcast Debate.
June 27 Dramatic Club Production. "The Dark' Angel." (Trevelyan).
July 3 Reading. "Green Pastures." (Connolly).
June 10 Debate: "That Psychology is a Curse in Modern Society."
July 11—Haeremai and Basketball Club's Dance.
July 17—Reading: "The Constant Nymph. (Kennedy).
July 18.—Plunket Medal Contest.
July 24—Reading. "Street Scene." (Rice).
July 25.—Football and Hui Marae Club's Dance.
July 31 Reading. "Ghosts." (Ibsen).
August 1 Debate: "That the American Influence in this Country is to be Deplored."
August 5 S.C.M. Address by Rt. Rev. Dr. Sprott.
August 7 Reading: Canaries Sometimes Sing." (Lonsdale)
August 14 Debate: "That Shakespeare is vastly Overated."
August 15—Dramatic Club Production: "Rope." (Hamilton).
August 28—Broadcast Debate.
August 29—Law Club Dance.
September 4—Reading: "Tons of Money." (Valentine).
September 9—S.C.M. Some Aspects of Fascism." (Cav. Dott G. Formichella.)
September 10 Reading: "Murder on Second Floor." (Vosper).
September 25 Rading: "Ile" and "The Long Voyage Home." (O'Neill).
October 3 Dramatic Club Productions:
"The.. Blind Crowder." (Palmer)."The Elegant Edward." (Jennings)."The New Wing at Elsinore." (Fagan)."Bocaccio's Untold Tale." (Tate).
Extracts from a Future History of New Zealand.
By Prof. F.P.W. and B.E.M.Published by A.B.F.Reviewed by G.B.S. and G.K.C.Reviewers' Opinions, N.B.G.
It was in December, 1941, that the people, disappointed and angry at Mr. 'Olland's failure to carry out his pre-election promises of "Free Beer for Unionists" and the "Banks Controlled by Waterside Workers," uttered in despair the cry, "O! for a Mussolini."
"Pro Bono Publico," writing to the "Dominion," uttered these memorable words: "The best way to obtain good and efficient government in New Zealand is to find someone who will govern her well and efficiently." Shortly afterwards "Truth" headed the Press campaign with posters:—
Democrats Demand Dictator.
Facts About P. Freezer's Frenzied Finance.
Professor Pulverizes Parliaments.
As every school-child knows—and even many University students—it was Gordon Groatz who leapt to his country's aid. The man who had given New Zealand the Baby Bonus and North Auckland Railway left his country still further in (his) debt by becoming its dictator. A scene of unprecedented enthusiasm preceded the Purging of Parliament (Dec. 14th, 1941). Cheering crowds of men, women, children and dogs lined the streets as the limousine of the great man swept down towards Parliament on its historic mission. What follows is too well known to need repeating. The magnificent scene in which Mr. Groatz cleared the house with the aid of the Secondary School Cadets (the sole military force remaining in New Zealand), and with the words, "You are no longer wanted, gentlemen; I can get things done myself," will ring ever through the annals of New Zealand as a call to high endeavour. Still more memorable is the action of Mr. Vorbes, who with tears in his eyes said to his victorious rival, "You win, Gordon, old man; I'm back to the farm."
No sooner was Mr. Groatz installed as Dictator with a purple robe and the title of II Confidenze, than the railway system of New Zealand was remodelled. No longer did a few isolated lines connect the larger towns of New
Zealand. There was no village but had its branch-line, and the Upper Hutt-Carterton trans-mountain main line was a miracle of engineering. His slogan was "A Railway to every Back Door." The Groatz Eighteen-month Plan allowed for the complete railwayisation of New Zealand within that period. In an historic speech he said: "Our ideal is one man one railway. Every child born into this country becomes the inheritor of one complete railway system" (Cheers). Three Cook's Strait Tunnels were constructed in one month alone.
The ease and rapidity with which II Confidenze borrowed money from the capitalists of the world astonished everyone. No sooner was the interest on the loan due than Mr. Groatz was able to persuade Isaac Isaacstein to advance further millions to the internal development of New Zealand. It is said that the great man had the following motto hanging above his bed: "Ten Millions a Month and Fifty at Xmas," and his I.O.U. Indexing System was the marvel of business men the world over.
Finally the end came. [Following passage by F.P.W. alone.] Saviour of his country, he was slain by a band of N.Z. farmers who objected to the light work of paying Mr. Groatz's debts. On his deathbed he spoke as follows:— "Good-bye, my very dear friends. I leave my cherished railways to George Vorbes, the breweries to my old pal, Mr. Troup, the wireless stations to Bob Semple, and my I.O.U.'s to the people of New Zealand. Good-night, everybody, good-night."
Hints to Municipal Electors.
Women! Vote for Miss Amy Kane. Aren't you tired of City Fathers? Let's have a City Mother. Miss Kane will reduce rates and increase expenditure.Men! Vote for Hislop. He will increase rates, reduce expenditure, and run trams to the Upper Hutt every three minutes.Do you understand the dead-cat menace? Purify the city's water supply by voting the Ratepayers' Association Ticket. Have you noticed that nasty taste in the tea?Wouldnt you like a real Riviera Carnival in Wellington? The City Fathers dressed as comic constables and pelting pretty girls with confetti? Vote the Civic League Ticket and put the whizz in Wellington.Beer fountains in Willis Street? The three-hour day! Fireworks on Saturday nights, and a riot on Labour Day! The Fire Brigade will stunt at Kilbirnie Stadium every Tuesday, and tram races will be held down Adelaide Road every other afternoon. Vote Labour and get a free season ticket to Trentham.
Write limericks on your voting-papers? Buck up the poor returning-officer. Here's a sample:
There was a young girl of Australia,
Who went to a ball as a dahlia,
When the petals uncurled,
It revealed to the world
That the dress as a dress was a fahlia.
Keep them clean though. Remember Mr. Tanner.
Support home industries. Write to our papers about the Municipal Elections! Swamp the "Dominion" and smother the "Post"! Criticise the candidates and scarity their speeches! Pick their policies to pieces! Can you save the country? Write to the "Dominion" about it. Do you know what's wrong with the world? Tell the "Post." The Editor's a Communist with a strong Conservative bias, so he won't mind what you say. Writer of the best letter will be awarded:
1st Prize—The Northland Tunnel.
2nd Prize—The new War Memorial.
Why have a Censor? Make your Mayor let Wellingtonians see the naked truth! We can stand it. Vote for Vice! Plump for Prurience! Tip out Tanner!Please kiss the returning-officer good-bye. He'll like it.
Extravaganza
"You must not suppose because I am a man of letters; that I have never tried to earn an honest living." (Shaw).
The writing of a bad Extravaganza (and they are all bad, differing only in the degree of badness) is a comparatively easy task. The author, usually an introvert, looks out on the world with puzzled eyes. He sees his fellow men and women posturing before the world's stage. All that is then necessary is to transfer the actors to the stage. Because they are young and enthusiastic the sweet birds of the University are pressed into service. Rehearsals begin, and soon the actors fit the parts in a more or less lifelike manner.
The few hours of entertainment provide the public with a view of themselves and their leaders as others see them. Surely it is not the fault of the author if the public leave the Hall murmuring "What fools these University students are!"' The remark is indeed a deep tribute to the acting.
We have no intention of turning these few remarks into a Shavian introduction. We prefer "to cut the cackle and get to the 'osses." Therefore we have pleasure in presenting in "Willum the Conk." It is a story for men and women of our times. Beneath its shallow surface and show there is an underlying moral. We offer a prize to the first solution received.
Ladies and Gentlemen: We are the poor players. We solicit your attention, and please duck your heads in the front low, when the barrage starts.
The Land of Make-Believe.
Scene 1.—The Palace Garden in Happy Valley.
Scene 2.—The Parting of the Ways.
Scene 3.—The Haunted Garden of Mephistopholis.
Scene 4.—The Palace Garden—still in Happy Valley.
Extravaganza
Willum. The Conk.
Something Silly in Scenes.Perpetrated by one Donald as His Contribution to the World Depression.
"That we may rehearse most obscenely and courageously."
—Shakespeare.
Mouthers and Mummies
(In Order of Deshabille.)
HeraldH. C. Read
"When I do ope my lips let No dog bark."
—Shakespeare.
"Bow! Wow!"
—Shaw.
PoloniusH. J. Bishop (Deputy for Mr. Nelson)
"A right down regular Royal King..'
—Gilbert Regilt.
Mrs. BottsS. Breen
"The face that sunk a thousand ships."
—Homer Revisited.
Baby BottsJ. Whitcombe
"Fragile beginnings of a mighty end."
—Mrs. Norton—wife of Mr. Norton
NurseA. A. B. Mouat
"Death, where is thy sting?"
—Shakespeare.
WillumR. J. Larkin
"Nature and earth were deeply writ on his face."
—Atmore's Selections from Living Authors
Convivial GentR: East
"Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning to follow strong drink."
—Author Unknown at University.
ExecutionerD. Kerr
"This hurts me more than it hurts you"
P. Martin-Smith and Others
DewdropL. G. Donald
"A thousand melodies unheard before."
—Contributed by Orchestra
Lady TrottJ. N. Sellars
"Sweet and low."—A. D. Priestley.
Mrs. StowshMiss Shute
"Shoot if you will this old Grey Head."
—A. L. Capone
YokelsT. H. FalloonH. J. LiidemannD. M. Burns
"What's to be done with these 'ere 'opeless chaps."
—Any Examiner.
Old LadiesH. BannisterM. GallagherB. Luke
"Hope springs eternal in the Old Maid's Breast."
—Aimee S. MacPherson.
Old GentsH. WansbroughR. B. Phillips
"You can trust any man—over ninety."
—Clara Bow.
SatanW. J. Mountjoy, Junr.
"Coming events cast their joy before."
—Victor Hugo, Junr.
DeathR. J. Lawrence
"Tell me my soul can this be death?"
—Pope.
VorbesH. C. MiddlebrookGroatzD. R. JenkinsOllandM. O. Guthrie
"How would you like this dash tomfoolery
Every day from ten till two?"
—Sir Charles Statham
AgitatorA. F. T. Chorlton
"What the orator lacks in depth
He gives you in length."
—Montesquieu—fair dinkum.
DrunksR. F. EastJ. M. Horrack
"There is no doubt that drink's a curse.
To go without is ten times worse.'
—George Troup
SergeantD. M. Burns
"Dressed in a little brief authority."
—McIlgone.
PolicemenE. J. SutchH. J. Liidemann
"The Polis as Polls in this city is Null and Void."
—O'Casey.
Highland BandJ. H. EtheringtonR. Heenan
Merchant of Venice. Act IV. Unexpurgated Ed.
Salvation Army BandE. J. MarshallT. Falloon
"Blessed are they who do good by stealth."
StychieenaE. Henderson
"Belladonna—in English a beautiful woman, in Italian a deadly poison."
—Ambrose Bierce.
Colonel GoreA. P. Thomson
"There goes the—Tally Ho, the Fox!"
—Hector Gray
StrangerL. G. Donald
"I know thee not, I fear thee not."
—Made this one up.
SentinelsF. H. StewartK. J. Duff
"There is a significant Latin proverb, to wit, who will guard the guards?"
—Reardon on Latin Proverbs...
DiscordE. J. SutchDistrustJ. M. HorrackDevastationH. C. ReadDespairS. Breen
"Hell is a city much like Wellington."
—Nearly Byron—who ought to have known.
MephistopholisH. C. Middlebrook
"Son, if you want to know what a devil is, ask your mother."
—Mr. Russell.
LucifinoW. J. Montjoy, Jun.
"Birds of a feather moult together."
—Anon.
BlusterH. C. Read
"Words, words, words."
(Sounds like William S. at his best.)
CatD. Kerr
"Not a woman this time.'
SalamancaC. M. Turner and A. A. B. Mouat
"Fairest and Loveliest of created things."
—More Shakespearian Bilge.
ServantB. H. Etherington
"A pampered menial drove me from the door."
—Income Tax Department.
Lord BlordslowA. F. T. Chorlton
"He came from a farm, and was proud of it."
—Lady B.
SoloistH. Dowling
"A voice heavenly in the sense of unearthliness."
—Anon.
The Rest.
Pirates. O. Turner, J. S. Roberts, B. E. Jackson, C. A. Highet, J. G. Oliver, W. R. Arlow, B. A. Corcoran, B. G. Phillips, S. I. Rockell, J. A. Whitcombe, A. A. B. Mouat, C. G. Camp, D. F. McLeod, R. F. East, L. G. Donald, D. M. Burns.
Rustics: Men.—H J. Lüdimann, T. H. Falloon, O. Turner, B. E. Jackson, B. A. Corcoran, E. J. Marshall D. R. Jenkins, H. O. Wansbrough, E. J. Fry, R. B. Phillips, J. G. Oliver, W. R. Arlow, R. J. Lawrence, R. Heenan, C. A. Highet, J. H. Etherington, B. H. Etherington, D. F. McLeod, C. G. Camp, K. J. Duff, D. Kerr, B. G. Phillips.
Trumpeters. A. P. Thomson, J. S. Roberts.
Drummers.—R. H. Hosie, S. I. Rockell.
Bath Chair Attendants.—E.. J. Sutch, L. Withy.
Women.—Mildred Briggs, Betty MacDuff, Flora Smith, Barbara Chorlton, Peggy Lander, Helen Norris, Barbara Bannister, Millicent Slyfield, M. Cameron, K. Large, M. P. Pridhant, Jenetta Jensen, Mavis Shute, Valda Wilson, Florence Eccles.
Devil Dancers. K. J. Duff, B. H Etherington, B. G. Phillips.
Pipe Band.—T. H. Falloon, R. Heenan.
Pirate Bodyguard.—C. A. Highet, B. G. Phillips, B. A. Corcoran, J. G. Oliver, W. R. Ardlow, S. I. Rockell, J. S. Roberts, A. P. Thomson, R. H. Hosie, C. G. Camp, D. F. McLeod, E. J. Sutch, L. Withy, B. E. Jackson.
Fairies: Watersiders.—White: C. A Highet, J. G. Oliver, K. J. Duff, B. H. Etherington, B. G. Phillips, D. F. McLeod, C. G. Camp, A. A. B. Mount. Black: E. J. Fry, S. I. Rockell, J. N. Sellers, B. A. Corcoran, R. H. Hosie, B. Billing, D. Kerr (Foreman).
Stychiteena's Fairies. Millicent Slyfield, M. Cameron, K. Large, Muriel Mussen, Mavis Shute, Esme Burrell, M. P. Pridham, Jenetta Jensen, Florence Eccles.
Female Students. M. Pridham, J. Jensen, F. Eccles, N. Godber.
Young Man. R. B. Phillips.
Chauffeur. G. B. Phillips.
Musical Numbers.
Overture.—Country GardensGrainger.
Act I.:All 'AilStein Song.By the Beard of the ProphetBelieve Me If All ThoseEndearing Young Charms.Entr'Acte Poupée Valsante.—Poldini.
Act II.:WorkOh, Dem Golden Slippers.Boot-iful Work
Entr' Acte.
La Caprice de NannetteS. Coleridge-Taylor.
Petite Suite de Concert.
Act III.:The Caverns of Darkness. (Anvil Chorus).Gounod.Heave Ho!She's the. Lass for Me.
Entr' Acte.
Parade of the DollsGruenwald.
Act IV.:(1) Then I'll Believe You.When Other Lips.(2) William the Conk.
God Save the King.
Orchestra
Conductor.—T. J. Paul.Piano.— Mr. Pearce.
1st Violins—Miss R. Reid, Miss R. Reece, Miss H. Flaws, Miss D. Nolan, A.T.C.L., Mr. Warner, L.A.B., Mr. T. Martin
2nd Violins.—Miss M. Claughton, Miss Harrison, Miss L. Whiteford, Mr. W. Stewart, Mr. P. Hickey, Mr J. H. Joseph.
Viola. Mr. R. T. Street.
'Cello.—Miss M. Major, Mr. C. Smallbone, Mr L. C. King. Bass. —Mr. Alderson.
Flute.—Mr. R. Fraser.
Clarinet.—Mr. K. Kirkcaldie aud Mr R. Bowman.
Cornet.—Mr. E. Cowdrey and Mr. Lambert.
Trombone.—Mr. S. Dawkins.
Willum the Conk.
Solo.
Oh, I sauk on the wings of twilight,By the side of the silver sea,And I walked in the sparkling splendourOf the lights of Lambton Quay.And I list to the croon of the mermaidsMill the foam of Island Bay,And they sang a song that the whole world sings,A song that will live for aye.Chorus.
Willum the Conk! Set the earth a-rocking,Shout his praise till the echoes ring.Willum the Conk! Altho' our music's shocking,Shout his praises while we've strength to sing.Solo.
Oh, I walked in the sleeping cityWhen the world was calm with sleep,And I heard the snores of the policemen,And the voice of the Mighty Deep,From sleepers far and near,The croon of discordant woices then,Fell gently upon mine ear.
Then I'll Believe you.
When earth shall crumble into dust,And power and life shall flee;When laughter fades in depthless night,
And Time shall cease to be;When song and joy shall sadly pine,And none there be that grieve;When love be but a faded dream,Then truly I'll believe,Yes, I'll believe you, I'll believe you then.When... moonlight and the midnight cease,To weave their ancient spell,And shrouded Past, and thundrous Deep,Shall all their secrets tell;When youth and fire and laughter pine,And none there be that grieve,When love be but a faded dream,Then truly I'll believe,Yes, I'll believe you, I'll believe you then.When railways all are quite complete,And none shall break the laws:When women simply will Not speak,And police wear number fours;When rates and taxes cease to be,And men shall sigh and grieve,And wish the dear old taxes back,Then truly I'll believe,Yes, I'll believe you, I'll believe you then.
Oh! How Could he?A Dusseldorf ripper called Kuerten,With the ladies tried fluerten and huerten;He killed more than a score—The Court laughed and swore;Then rang down the euerten on Kuerten.
All 'Ail.
All 'ail to King Polonius Botts,King of this 'ere Val-lee!Lift your voices up and shout:"May he live until he dies!"May he and all his fam'lie grow,In wealth and joy and fatness!Raise your voices all together,And shout the praise of our dear King,And his dog, and his cow,The turmits, the 'orse, and the familee,And the hens, and the sheep,The taties, the pig and the wife.Then raise one great discordant cry,Shout till the echoes ring;Set the earth's foundations rocking,And shout the praise of our dear King!
By the Beard of the Prophet.
By the beard of the Prophet, I've dreamed not in vain,For my prayers have been answered to-day;For our darling young Prince, like some cheese that I've met,Will shortly be walking away.Then to Mecca I'll turn, and I'll bow ot the ground,"All praise to the Prophet, the Lord of the true,For enticing young Willie a-way" (eh-way).Chorus.
That he speaks but the truth we'll gladly affirm,But concerning our Prince we would pray,"May the gods always keep him," we humbly implore—"May the gods always keep him a-way."When last week to the mosque I was wending my way,My ha'p'ny clasped tight in my hand—Chorus.
If, when life is no more, to Heaven we go,And we find there's a Botts there as well,We will shoulder our packs and we'll gladly depart.
Work.
Oh, work is the essence and zest of life,A better friend than food or wife,It keeps men good when they might he naughty,We forget our troubles when we're working.Tho' they're taxing this, and taxing that,Tho' our wage is lean, and our rates are fat,Tho' our ten-per-cent, cut has grown to forty,We forget our troubles when we're working.Chorus.
Oh, work's so entrancing,Sets us all romancing;We simply can't conceive the man,Who thinks it sweet to shirk.Now, boys, all together,Working hell-for-leather,Flap your wings and bless the man,Who first invented work.
Bootiful Work.
Boot-iful work,Just suits me.You sits an' you smokes from nine till three,You sits an' you slumbers peacefullee,And the Guv'ment supplies the pay an' the tea.Boot-iful work.
The Caverns of Darkness.
Shout forth, ye trumpets, and sound forth, ye thunders,In praise to the spirits of Darkness and Hate.Mark how the tempest in fury is raging.The voice and the echo of Death and Fate,Sound the challenge out abroadTo every man and nation,And this, their new damnation!We'll give the world to blood.Then forth to conquestThen forth to conquest!We'll give the world to blood.With sword and with thunder we come to proclaim thee,Ruler of earth and of fire and wave,Who art and shall be for ever and ever,Till thou art the master and man the slave.Sound the challenge out abroad,Death and Hate shall victors beTo every man and nation,And this, their new damnation!A world of blood for evermore.Then forth to conquest!Then forth to conquest!We'll give the world to blood.
Heave Ho!Bluster:My name would make the fiercest shrink,And brave men hide in fear.The ships all think it's time to sink,When my fierce face draws near.In haughty pride I sweep the deep,And scare old Neptune blue,And should some ship have pluck to fight,We'll tell you what we do:Blus. & Pir.:We heave for the rolling sea,We heave for the rolling sea.Bluster:For the wife said; "Never wag your jowl,At someone bigger than yersel'."Blus. & Pir.:Of course what the wife says always has to—well!So it's heave-ho! Heave-ho! Heave for the rolling sea!Bluster:Tho' modest, as I've said before,And humble to a fault,Believe me when I meekly roar:"They don't feed Me on malt."My laugh would put a fleet to flight,My better's not been born,For if some fool should Me defy,I laugh aloud in scorn.Blus. & Pie.:We heave for the rolling sea,We heave for the rolling seaBluster:The way my wife dictates my life,It fairly makes me pout:She says: "Be back on 'such' a day;And if you're not,—look out!"Blus. & Pir.:And if, by chance, we've been delayed,Though heroes to the core,When we see our grim, determined wives,In line along the shore:Blus. & PIR.:We heave for the rolling sea,We heave for the rolling sea:We're not afraid of gun or knife,We're not afraid to risk our life,But 'we' simply cannot stand domestic strife,So it's heave-ho! Heave-ho! Heave for the rolling sea!
Not that it Matters.
The revenue worried our George,So a plan he was forced to disgorge;He levied, the nutt,A Ten Per Cent, Cut.Which raised the mob's gorge against George.
The Return of Kit, Kt.
There was a gay fellow called Parr,Who returned with a merry rah-rah,Saying, "Why look so glum?In the land where I comeThe people are worse off by far, ha, ha!"
There was a gay monarch of Spain,Who made a quick exit by train.It gave him a painThat he could not remain—And it's plain he would fain reign again.'Tis said by a chappie called ForbesThat each civil servant absorbsFar more than he should,And so for his goodHe's had their salaries so reduced that it's about as hard for them to make ends meet as it would be to make this line scan and rime.
An Open Letter to Mr. H. E. Holland, M.P.Dear Sir,—I have heard with regret that you sayProf Murphy's conceptions are furlongs awayFrom those of the pundits whom Labour adores,From Eraser's, from Lang's and from Ted Theodore's.You further remarked in your generous wayOur Barney at College would never have sway,If Labour was lord in New Zealand to-day.Now, if holding the House with a Labourite host,You wished to fulfil this astonishing boast,I ask with great interest who would you findTo fill the position the Prof, left behind?From Labourite sneakers from East to West CoastTo choose the right follow to fill up his post,Would puzzle the brain-apparatus of most.So, may I suggest, if the time you can spare,That Barney's old job should be under your care.You'd teach economics as Marx has portrayed it,And tell the young country how Forbes has betrayed it,By saying reductions in wages are fair,While Socialist schemes you could grandly compareTo give the poor devils who starve free-hot air.And if 'tis the wicked old Prof, that you'd sack,There's two or three more we would willingly lack,So give us dear Walter de Nash for our Law,And Semple for classics we'd simply adore;And then we would feel we were on the right track,With Eraser and Semple and Nash at our back.And over the Tasman great thinkers we seeNow teaching Australia the way to be free;In Maths we would learn with their Ted TheodoreHow twenty plus twenty makes millions or more;Then Scullin the Dean of Rail-Sitting would be,While Lang to take Contracts we all would agreeWould make the dull subject full worthy the fee.Good-bye! Mr. Holland, we'll see you up here,As soon as the Country can pay your tram-fare,Victoria welcomes your friends in advance,Her high reputation you'll surely enhance,And lend to her, learning and wisdom most rare;And under your guidance and masterful careThe College will follow the State—God knows where!
C, G. W,