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Scene: A. R. P.
Old King Coal, with hat and binoculers surveying empty bottles.
Old King Coal (Sings): "There was beer, beer," etc.
(Looks mournfully around through
(Enter Flaslight Lazer): Lazer (horrified): What's the
These bottles? They don't mean much.
Don't you realise that beer and racing
They might have been before the war, but you can't ruin anything on this beer. Why, this beer reminds me of love in a punt.
Love in a punt?
Yes; very near water.
Well, you're a punter. You ought to know.
Why are you looking so mournful, Flashlight? Don't let the country's miners get you down.
All is not well in the State of Noo Zealand, my dear friends. The dogs are barking.
What are Lee and Barnard saying now?
It's not them; it's the people.
The people?
They've been listening to the Rev. Muckrake. Besides, they object to our austerity campaign, and to 10 per cent plus
-----and having no beer.
(sighs) Soon I shall not dare to appear in public without an armed guard. If only Alter Cash were here. He would tell
Enter Bas HFUL Bob, gagged and bandaged with a Telegram.
Hullo, Bashful, what's the matter?
(Gestures of anger).
(pointing to Bob): That's an old gag, that one.
Look's as it he's been in the wars, too.
That'll be the day.
Who's the telegram from, Bob?
(Bob hands telegram to Lazer).
Why, it's from my dear friend, Alter Cash. All the way from Greenland. He says (Reads) "Assets frozen. Best wishes. Hope to be home in
Enter Mrs. Scowlit, in W. A. A. C. costume-
(Bursting in): Oh, Flas hlight, please excuse me
This is contrary to standing orders.
We can't take it lying down, can we?
Obviously excited paws around, etc.
(Bit bored): Oh yes, yes, but this is only a minor matter.
I takes off my hat to the miners. (Raises hat).
Mrs. Sc: What am I going to do. The women and sick of rationing and couponomising: I do hope that none of you will lose your seats. (Feels back of skirt for reassurance).
I'll lose my portfolio.
You're not going to do
Enter Rev. Muckrake.:
Ah, the friendly toad.
Bob (Angry gestures).
We want you. You're responsible for most of hour troubles You'll have to stop this woman in the strest session and help the Labour Party.
Womenin the street session. What's not the Commercial Broadcasting Department. That's the to rine Department.
Enter Messenger with one arm. Messenger takes telegram from bag and hands it to Laz er. Exits.
(Opening telegram): Why, it's another telegram from Alter Cash, all the way from Patagonis. He says (Reads): "Have stripped the shirt off the last Patagonian. Best wishes. Alter." It seems that Alter Cash is doing well for himself, friends, while wire in the cactus.
All come to front of stage and sing to tune of "Row Ashamed I wash,"
(Mournfully): What a hole we're in.
(Looking round shelton). If you know of a better funk nole to it.
Enter Mess enger.
Some more helpful advice from Alter, I suppose. (Takes gram This time it's from Timbuctoo. He says: "Can't raise anything here Best wishes. Alter." (Exit Mess enger) If the Minister of Finance can't help us, who can? How can I continue to govern the country with no money and the people at my throat? What do you think we cught to do, Mrs Scowlitt?
Speaking for the women, I think we should import another division of Marines.
This one certainly needs a long rest.
Hardly practicable. There aren't enough girls to go round now.
But they certainly get round, don't they?
What about you, O.K. Coal. Hae you any ideas?
I'll say. Back to the old beer. Bigger and better horse-racing
What, more horses. My women in the street
You would. Now listen to me. Suppose we abolish the
On behalf of the girls of Wellington I protest that
(Astonished): Good heavens, Hrs, don't you know Balmorality been abolished?
I've got an idea. What about my society for Closer Relation with the Russians.
I suggested that when the Russ ian Ballet was here.
What do you thing, Bashful?
Bob - (Lecherous gestures).
(Pompously): I have pondered this matter deeply. For many hours I have paced back and forth in my private A.R.P. shelter. I have consid ered the pros and the cons, the ins and the outs, the and the wherefores ----
The wests and the dries - with time and a hals for the wets.
Certanly, time and a half for the wets. I wouldn't work on anything but union principles. And now pray let me continue. I have contemplated my er---subject from all angles. I am convinced there is only one solution. I've got the dinkum oil. I ----
(Enter Messenger) Don't say this is another telegram. (Messenger whispers in Lazer's ear). Noise of Aeroplane off - Enter Alter Cash with Baggage.
Gor-Blimey, It's Alter Himself. Where've you been all this time?
I've just flown here from Hollywood.
Hollywood?
Yes, I assisted in an election there.
An election?
Yes, the
You've just arrived in time. We need your help. I am about to make an important announcement. Ladies and gentlemen, are you listening? I am going to hold an election. It'll take the minds of the people away from their troubles. It'll confuse 'em.
Confucius him say, girl who is wall flower at dance
Tch, tch. Yes, we're going to have an election now.
All sing. Tune: Carrad's adaptation of Prairie Flower.
Post Office Square, and showing corner of Pier not and in National Club.
Old King Cole, on soapbox, addressing crowd. Five citizehs in crowd speak.
Ladies and gentlemen, during the last, few eeeks a wave of confidence in the Labour movement has swept the country from Bluff to Cape Maria.
The Black Maria. Have you been nabbed again?
The politics of the Home Country have been revolution to the plans of Sir William Beveridge. I take off my hat to William Beveridge. (Takes off Hat).
What about our New Zealand beverage? Isn't it time you up the beer here?
Your suggestion has my earnest support, but I fear a amount of opposition from my friend and colleague, Mr lazer He is, I regret to say, not a drinking man.
No, but he's drained the country dry.
Look at Labour's war effort. We've done away with
What about ten per cent plus contracts?
What about Civil Service overtime? What about the paper shortage?
The paper shortage? The paper shortage will be relieved only when the Eighth Army have reduced Rommel to a pulp. And look at the wonderful war effort of the workers. Look what watersiders have done. The Waterfront Control Commission galvanised the wharves. I take off my hat to the wharfier
(Takes off Hat).
The soldiers are doing the work. You're not paying them time and a half, are you? And talking of soldiers, weren't thos binoculars a gift to the Army?
That's a foul and contemptible lie. Only a muckraker would a thing like that. These binoculars belonged to Herry Holl.
Can't you see his memorial without them?
The whole country owes a debt of gratitude to the mines take off my hat to the miners. (Takes off Hat).
Why, only the other day, just think, he offered to help if Laughter) I mean it's done more for young women than most of you realise. The maternity benefits have solved all our problems. Just think, you can have a baby now for 7/6.
Any reduction on twins?
How much Not to have one?
Women are making themselves felt in industry and transport. They're on the trains, on the trains on the buses ---
On the streets.
Women are filling places they have never filled before.
Like the battledress trousers.
Yes, women are wearing the pants. And they won't take them off till they've won the war.
I've seen some that seemed to have won the war already.
And then, there's the land girls.
What, more girls landed?
And don't forget the Post girls. Looking after the country's mails.
When were you last down the mine, Daddy?
All my life I've been up and down mines. Mind your own business. And I take off my hat to the slaughtermen, (Takes off The The whole country owes a debt of gratitude to the freezing workers. Too long have they been given the cold shoulder.
God's frozen people, eh?
Enter MRS Scowlett, Escorted by Men Waacs.
Leave 'em to me, Paddy. I'll fix 'em.
(Using Binoculars) Ah, my friend, the lady commandant of Waacs. (Takes off Hat).
If that's all you can take off you
Would you care to use my soapbox, Mrs Scowett?
Thank you, thank you, my dear friend. I must thank my old friend Paddy. He's such a dear. I do hope you'll vote for him Why, only the other day, just think, he offered to help if Laughter) I
Any reduction on twins?
How much Not to have one?
Women are making themselves felt in industry and transport. They're on the trams, on the trains, on the buses ---
On the streets.
Women are filling places they have never filled before.
Like the battledress trousers.
Yes, women are wearing the pants. And they won't take them off till they've won the war.
I've seen some that seemed to have won the war already.
And then, there's the land girls.
What, more girls landed?
And don't forget the Post girls. Looking after the country's mails.
We can look after ourselves.
And a poor job you've made of it. If it wasn't for the women the Japs would have been here long ago.
They knew you were here. That's why they didn't come.
We'll keep New Zealand free ---
A free for all --- like the Waldorf.
We and my sister organisations, the W.A.A.F.'s and the W. R. E. N.'s.
And the S.P.W.C.
That's a new one. What is it?
The Society for the Prevention of Women and Children.
You don't believe me. I'll show you what my girls
(Waac Men's Burlesque Ballet)
We can look after ourselves.
And a poor job you've made of it. If it wasn't for the
They knew you were here. That's why they didn't come.
We'll keep New Zealand free ---
A free for all --- like the Waldorf.
We and my sister organisations, the W.A.A.F.'s and the XXXXXX W. R. E. N.'s
And the S.P.W.C.
That's a new one. What is it?
The Society for the Prevention of Women and Children.
You don't believe me. I'll show you what my girls can do. Come on, girls, shake a leg.
(Waac Men's Burlesque Ballet) 'Don't Sit under the Apple tree'
(Short)
Alter Cash Pushes Through Crowd with Bags, Papers.
Who are you pushing, mate?
Let me through. I've got important news.
Why, it's Alter Cash himself.
I thought he was in New Caledonia.
As a matter of fact, I've just come back from the States for the election. Friends, I bring you wonderful news. The Government of the United States has, this moment, agreed to my proposals that bigger and better wrestlers be sent to this country after the war from the States.
I must have met the advance guard on Lambton Quay.
We must give our great American allies a free hand.
Give an American a free hand and he'll put it all over you.
And friends, I have further good news. Last week I was in Moscow, and our great Russian allies have agreed to my proposals.
What did you propose, Wally?
Proposals to establish an underwear factory.
Underwear factory?
Yes, a second front.
But harking back to the election, I want to make the issue clear. It's finance that's going to win this war. And the
What about a Leave - me - alone - Week?
My friend, you are not on your honeymoon. There's a war on. And then, there's National Savings.
Nash'll take your savings.
In America, they were astonished at what we had done. As I said to my dear friend, Eleanor, Roosevelt you know, it takes the glamour of American femininity to bring out the best in a man. I was as much at home in the White House as in the -- the
We've never seen you appear there.
We've got a new legation.
How much did it cost?
30,000 dollars.
I had a new car.
How much did it cost?
10,000 dollars. I had lunch with Mae West.
You certainly keep abreast of the times. And how much did that cost?
5000 dollars. I shook hands with the President of the United States.
How much did that cost?
2000 dollars.
Who's paying for all this?
You are. And we and the boys'll show you how.
(Alter, Cole, Bob (Gestures) Sing "Deep in the Heart of Tanes."
Exeunt Cash, Bob to Pier Hotel.
Enter Mrs Prigg from National club, Leading Holland Dressed as School-Boy.
Who've you got there, Mrs Prigg?
Don't worry about him. That's Sidney Holland. He's just the boy about the place. Now you've been listening
What a terrible legacy for the next generation.
(Sarcastically): Hand me down my reach-me-downs. And just look what the housewives have to put up with. The farmers get - for their produce. The retailer makes --- And you pay -----
Madam, if I were your husband, I'd poison you.
Sir, if I were your wife, I'd take it. An army of Price Tribunal Inspectors slink like the Gestapo through the land And talking of the Gestapo, where's Major Faulkes?
He's with the old folks at home, I suppose.
And time he was sent there, too.
Enter Muckrake
But here's a man who will tell you how our civil liberties have been stifled. My friends, the Rev. Muckrake.
Muckrake Replaces Mrs Prigg on Stand.
Parade, 'shun.
Sorry, folks, I've been shocked into a military frame of mind. I bring you a new policy. But before I introduce it, I'd like to recite to you this pleasing little verse which caught my
'Ear, 'ear.
(Recites)
You're hot stuff on this appealing, aren't you?
As I see it, this country should return to the simple homely life of our forebears. Nothing becomes a man more than the dignity of labour.
That's why you joined the Auckland Waterside Workers.
No fear. 8/6 an hour and the Hon Dave Wilson were what induced him to join.
Let us have an open-door policy for broadcasting.
Have you picked the lock on your door yet, Scrim?
I've said it before, and I say it again. One man can run the two services for half the salary. Put Shelley on the shelf.
That's a shelfish suggestion.
What party do you stand for?
Well, all the offers haven't come in yet. But you can rest assured that I can use the best. To be union conscious is not enough. Only the happy blending of the material with the spiritual bringeth about the full life. I rather like this.
Enter Lazer with Policeman.
Avaunt, begone, you wicked cur, away;
This gentle crowd, it'll never be your prey.
Isn't that a nice thought.
Enter Man with Microphone.
People of New Zealand. The time has now come when we must look before us and behind, and make a complete survey of the dangers that beset us. The people of New Zealand have developed bad habits of intemperance and self-indulgence. All I ask is a spirit of willing sacrifice and self denial, I myself deny that the union secretaries run this country. I and my colleagues only take their advice when we deem it both necessary and relevant. We will guard and defend the State from its enemies without and within. And in this connection, you may well ask why I am speaking from a national hook-up rather
We're not sensitive
I have great pleasure in moving a vote of confidence in the Labour Party.
Seven Seconds Silence
All Sing Nehanks for the Memory."
Crowd Advances on Lazer. Threatening.
Scene: Dug-Out in Tripolitania with Candle in Bottle on
Packing Case.
Characters:
Private LazerPrivate Alter CashBombardier BobSergeant MuckrakePrivate LeePrivate CoalFriedbread Rat (O.C).
Scene Opens:- Lazer, Cash and Bob (Gagged) on Stage. Lower Half of King Coal Showing in Distance. King Coal on Guard.
Now Look at the hole you've got us in, Private Lazer. We're deep in the heart of cactus now. That's what comes of having a General Election.
How was I to know we'd get in this mess? I only brought in conscription. I didn't expect to be conscripted.
Coal Turns Round. Drops Rifle
There's a woman outside.
Is she my type?
Is she your type? (Looks Out Through Binoculars) She's alive and breathing. (Coal Goes out)
Are you sixteen, little girl?
Yes Please.
Bob Gestures
Bob thinks we'd better change the guard. (Calls). Paddy.
Run away little girl, run away.
Coal Enters and Salutes.
Yes, bombardier.
Bob says he'll take over for a spell.
You'd better lend Bob those binoculars.
Yes, the Army seems to have come into its own at last.
You unutterable cads. I've said it before, and I say it again:
How'd you like a beer now, Paddy?
Gee --- even that 2 per cent would go well now, wouldn't it?
If you hadn't quarrelled with Muckrake, he might have won the election for us. Funny we haven't seen him since we've been over here.
Bob (Excited) Drops Rifle. Through Door Enter Serg. Muckrake.
Happy in your work men?
Yes, thank you, Uncle.
Sergeant to you.
Congratulations on your new stripe, Unc - er - sergeant. What unit are you in now?
I'm in the Y.M.C.A. I run the Lowry hut in Cairo.
What brought you here?
I just called round to see if you boys are in need of any home comforts.
Has my long woollen underwear arrived yet?
It's on the bottom.
Ah yes, but whose?
I mean the Red Sea, you idiot.
Can't get me any beer, can you? Even that 2 per cent is wet.
Sorry. But there's some very fine Horlicks at my canteen. It'll make you sleep over night.
That stuff on leave. Who wants to sleep in these Arabian nights. We spent most of a night in the Wazir.
Was a good show, too.
Well, I don't seem to be needed here. There are other friends I must help along the desert's dusty road.
(Recites):-
Isn't that a lovely thought to end up with? S'long boys.
Exits, Falling Over Lt. Lee Who Enters. All Stand and Salute.
Stand easy men. I was in the ranks once myself. Any complaints? How do you like your new quarters? You seem very comfortable here. Any rats round here?
No, he's just gone on guard, sir.
We can't have that slackness on parade, Private Lazer.
Lazer Tightens Belt.
Is there any chance of promotion in the Army, sir? After all, I was a Union Secretary once, in
Yes, but where were you in
What a sell.
You can talk.
And I mean to. Your namby-pamby method of dealing with the miners cost us thousands of votes.
You didn't help much, you were away all the time. A poor sort of see you were too
I have to do all the thinking for the party, you scurrilous, schmtzel scoundrelly, schoritchel burger.
You carping, crawling, cringing canoodleburger.
No, he's just a lazy, loafing, lickspitting lumberburger.
Ah, that's right. That's the burger.
Cash Sets on Coal. Fight Between Cash, Coal, Lazer.
What's the meaning of this? Come to attention in the presence of your superior officer,
(Emerging from Scrum): I'm sorry sir, I lost my temper.
(Picking Self up, Rubs Self): I bumped my thumb. I've thumped my body all over. (To Bob) Lee Listen you, and the others here. I'm calling for volunteers for a night raid on a line of enemy pill-boxes.
No more number nines for me.
I want three men from this dugout.
First of all, we'll send old Bob. He can't say no. D'yer hear that Bob? We've volunteered for you.
One will do, won't it sir? Bob's equal to three ordinary men.
Bob Gestures. Shakes Fist.
You two had better go. You're a single man, Paddy. You'd be just the man, too. Walter. You've travelled round a bit.
I'll say. It's time I had a rest,
My responsibilities to the Dominion won't let me go. Otherwise I'd be among the first to offer my services.
Little Sid Holland is Looking after those responsibilities for you now. Don't let us deprive you of your chance of glory.
I'm only a private. Privates never get the V. C.
They get the V. D. through.
You mean the Victoria Decoration, of course.
of course, of course.
Let's get down to business, men. I want the names of the men who are coming with me.
( Hastily) Bombardier Sample, Private Cash, Private Coal, I'll stand here and hold the fort.
How Fortunate for you.
Well, that's settled then.
Fall in, men.
We fell in when we came over here.
Three Victims Scramble into Position.
(Sings)
Coal, Cash, and Bob Sing. (Bob Assists with Actions)
Steps Off
Looks Out, and Then Comes Back: There's a man out there with a moustache.
Tell him to go away. I've got one.
Enter General Friedbread.
What's going on around here?
All Stand at Attention.
Haven't I seen you before somewhere? (Peers at Lazer) I've seen that face before. Isn't that Lord Humberg the Hamburg of Horsburg, the rollicking rook of the rich?
(Clicks Heels) Oh no, sir. That's Private Lazer. A very worthy member of my platoon. His civil occupation has not altogether fitted him for a military career, but I'm knocking him into shape.
Lazer Surveys own Figure.
Ah yes, I remember now. A politician And these were your partners in crime?
I wasn't a party to it. I had my own party.
Well lieutenant, I'm pleased to see that you're making soldiers from such crude material. But shouldn't one of these men be on sentry-go?
Please sir, Bob just came into to wash his hands.
Return to your post immediately
Bob Salutes and Exits to Post.
Fine body of men you have here Lieutenant.
They've just volunteered for the dawn patrol. They're going out and they may be some time.
Magnificent, magnificent. I'll inspect them before they go.
In two ranks fall in.
They Clown About.
I'll stand in for Bob. But only for the inspection.
Friedbread Inspects Them. During Inspection Bomb Enters Shelter From Roof.
(Nudges Cash) What's that?
I dunno, ask Lazer.
I dunno, ask the General.
Er - excuse me General, what's that?
(Casually) That's only a bomb.
Coal, Lazer, and Cash Scramble for a Corner and Take
Friedbread and Lee with Them.
Bob, Hearing Commotion Enters, Looks Round Enquiringly. Sees Bomb, Looks at it Puzzled. Heaves it out Nonchalantly. Bomb Explodes. Bob Faints.
(Emerging From the Heap) Magnificent courage. What devotion to duty. Lend a hand you men, help him up.
Fall in.
Coal and Cash March Over to Bob and Raise Him. Take off His Gag.
You shall be decorated for this.
Bob Fills Cut Chest.
Of course we will. We did remarkably for our first affray on active service.
I'll say you were active, I made things hum, didn't I sir?
Good show, Bob, good show, Properly at ease men. Attention!
All Stand at Attention.
With the compliments of the season, Bob.
Takes Large Medal from Own Chest and Pins it on Bob's.
Hip, hip, hip Hurrah! hip, hip, hip Hurrah!
Sir, I have a most important message.
Brings Cut Signal book and Starts Morse.
Come to your senses man. What the devil does that mean?
Briefly, sir, it means this. (Reads; Country fed up. Stop. Holland in Dutch. Stop, Director of national Service appeals s for Private/Lazer, F., Cash, A., Coal, O.K., Bombardier Simple, B. B. Stop,
D. S. O. of course.
(Continues Reading) Urge immediate release for work on Home Front.
There's no place like home, boys.
In view of the outstanding valour you have shown today, I take great pleasure in releasing you from His Majesty's Armed Forces in the Middle East, so help me God! Signed. Freyberg.
Stands at Attention.
All Join in Circle and Sing to Tune of "Carry me Back to Old Virginny."