Title: Efforts at Burial

Author: Tim Corballis

In: Sport 22: Autumn 1999

Publication details: Fergus Barrowman, March 1999

Part of: Sport

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Sport 22: Autumn 1999

Day 4:

Day 4:

Oliver North says, ‘Since we seem to have some sort of role in all of this, we'd like to ask a few questions. Firstly, we would like Jon's full name, age, height, weight, occupation. And how long did you know him?’

I say, ‘I don't know any of that. He was Jon, and I have his phone number on a piece of paper. I knew him for a few months. That's all.’

Hugh Grant says, ‘Family? Any other connections?’

I say, ‘No one at the club seemed to know him but me. I talked to a man at his old phone number.’

I said, ‘Hi, this is Jon's old number?’

The man said, ‘Yes. What is it?’

I said, ‘My name's J.’

The man said, ‘Who are you with?’

I said, ‘What?’

He said, ‘Who are you? Newspaper, TV … How did you get this number?’

I said, ‘… I was with him, when he died.’

He said, ‘Why are you calling?’

I said, ‘I don't know. No, I do know!’

He said, ‘You must understand that this isn't the best time?’

I said, ‘I would like, maybe, to talk with his children?’

He laughed, ‘Then this is certainly the wrong number! … You're the one who took him away climbing?’

I said, ‘We went together. We both went.’

He said, ‘Jon was terrified of climbing.’

I said, ‘No. He had climbed Mount A, Mount B!’

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He said, ‘Yes! I was there. He had been going on at me to take him up Mt C too …’

I said, ‘You climbed with Jon.’

He said, ‘We needed next to nothing to climb those mountains. Look sorry I don't want to talk about this.’

I said, ‘Jon was my friend! I want to know something about him!’

He laughed. Then coughed, or wheezed. ‘Hang on, I'll just get someone else. Ciao.’

I could hear him move away from the phone, then say, ‘Someone called J on the line. Can you talk to him?’

This time it was a woman's voice, ‘Hi J. It's Jan.’

I said, ‘Jan? Personal banker?’

Jan said, ‘Yes.’

I said, ‘What are you …?’

Jan said, ‘David says it's comforting to have me here because I only ask about finances and so on, keep my nose out of things. I guess I'm non-threatening, J. You know, I don't get appreciated like this much. But J, what are all your questions for?’

I said, ‘His children?’

She said, ‘They won't go near you. They only put up with me for much the same reasons David does. And there is money from Jon's estate. But you've got better things to worry about. You know, they're going to cut your benefit.’

I said, ‘What?’

She said, ‘Sorry, really.’

Then she hung up.

Hugh Grant says, ‘Right. Dead end on the family and friends then. I guess the next question is, what are we doing here?’

I say, ‘Um.’

Oliver North says, ‘Or, to put it slightly differently, what are we doing here?’

I say, ‘You were a present …’

Oliver North says, ‘Nice! I like that, a present! I'm glad we've enriched your life. And this lovely picture, just to give us an impression page 25 of what it would be like to have unlimited space. Goes well with the, well, Impenetrable Glass Walls, don't you think?’

Hugh Grant says, ‘Um, I think the point here is that it's all very well for you to lock yourself away and all that …’

Oliver North says, ‘… and indulge in a good bit of grief …’

Hugh Grant says, ‘… but it actually doesn't really concern us.

Oliver North offers, ‘… cold-blooded?’

Hugh Grant nods.