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Catullus receives the ONZ

The child who climbed your trees for the greater insult
of pissing from a height, and set your hedges on fire;
the adolescent masturbator who aspired to
fornicate with your daughters; and lastly the youth
who disdained your uniform and dishonoured your flag—
all three are present, Caesar, under these laurels
that bring me at last a welcome guest to your table.
It's as well that you should know I embrace them all,
and will. Nothing they did was ever done
to earn your high regard. Nor ever shall be.