Title: Balaena

Author: Lydia Wisheart

In: Sport 41: 2013

Publication details: Fergus Barrowman, 2014, Wellington

Part of: Sport

Keywords: Prose Literature

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Sport 41: 2013

Lydia Wisheart — Balaena

page 35

Lydia Wisheart

Balaena

‘What about Balaena Bay then?’

‘Isn’t that the one that’s totally polluted?’

‘It’s right next to Oriental. How can it be polluted?’

‘I thought it was something to do with ducks.’

‘What?’

‘Maybe I was thinking of Hataitai beach. There are changing rooms there too.’

Jess doesn’t reply to this, and Kim is worried about having seemed like a know-it-all. She wants to say something else, something that will take her worry away, but knows she’d only make it worse. Jess isn’t listening now anyway, instead moving ahead to pick her way along the crowded footpath. It’s a February afternoon on Oriental Parade and summer is putting on its best show. Children on scooters weave at the feet of sweaty parents weighed down by beach bags. Swarms of teenage girls make the most of their tanned legs and miniskirts. Everyone has an ice cream. Jess seems to navigate this chaos effortlessly, ducking under the outstretched arm of a man passing a sandwich to his wife. Kim is almost taken out by two lycra-clad rollerbladers who appear from behind a tree. She dodges just in time and they whizz past. When she looks back, neither of them have turned. Attached to the back of the man’s shorts is a pine-tree-shaped air freshener. Weird, thinks Kim, and runs to catch up with Jess.

‘It’ll probably be just as crowded here,’ says Jess as they approach the corner before Balaena Bay. They want to go swimming, but couldn’t find a spot to put their towels down at Oriental. That’s what Jess calls it—she never says the Bay part.

‘Hope not, I’m boiling,’ says Kim, wiping her forehead with her towel.

Jess looks at her sideways. ‘Unfit.’

page 36

‘Not really. I’ve been going for runs twice a week the whole holidays. You’ve hardly done anything.’

‘Please, I’m taking PE, practical sports and sports science this year, plus I’m taking the outdoor pursuits elective.’

Kim knows she should leave it there—Jess is getting pissed off—but she’s sick of always giving in and seeming like the one who’s wrong. ‘Sports science isn’t really physical though, is it? Isn’t it just sitting down and learning about muscles and stuff? Actually, what is sports science even?’

Jess lets out a huff which leaves her jaw hanging. ‘Oh my god, just shut up for one second will you?’

At that moment they round the corner. The gravel parking area is empty, and the beach looks free of towels. The girls turn to each other. ‘YUSS!’ They high-five and run towards the bare stretch of sand.

On the beach, the tide pulls in and out with a gentle sigh. The water recedes, leaving tiny tears in the shoreline. Kim sinks her feet into the sand as the water glides back in. ‘Oh my god, no wonder no one’s here, it’s fucking freezing!’ she shrieks as she leaps back.

‘For fuck’s sake, it’s not that bad,’ says Jess, although she too has stepped back. ‘Don’t be such a baby.’

Kim watches as Jess wades forward again. She is quickly up to her knees and Kim imagines she can see the water reflected in Jess’s glassy white thighs. She never tans—in winter her veins shine through her skin, turning her almost the same blue as the water. She says she has to stay extra skinny because of it. Brown fat is okay, she says, poking at Kim’s arms. I’d never get away with this.

Kim knows she has no choice but to go in. She doesn’t actually mind cold water—growing up on Wellington beaches has her used to it. She only made a fuss because that’s what the girls always do on school swimming days at Thorndon Pool—It’s too cold, Miss. I better sit out since I’ve just had flu.

‘Are you excited about going back next week?’

The girls are neck up in the water and treading to stay afloat. The sun has warmed the surface, but everything from their shoulders down is numb and glowing.

‘I guess.’ Jess sighs and churns her arms, spinning her body in a page 37 full circle. ‘Mum’s got all these rules about how well she wants me to do this year though. She even tried to get me to take English and I was like, no way, you know. It’s the final year, I should be doing subjects that are going to help with my career.’

‘I suppose. But English helps you with, I don’t know, life? Doesn’t it?’

‘Well I can speak English, can’t I? I think that subject’s done its job for me.’

Now Kim turns her body in the water, rotating away from Jess to face inland. Back on shore, a car pulls into the parking area. A little black boy-racer that seems to have tinted windows. Maybe it’s just the light. It stops, but no one gets out. Kim turns back to Jess. ‘So how’d you get out of it?’

‘Well, finally Dad got involved, thank god. When Paulie was home from uni before Christmas, Dad came up to visit and hung out at our place a couple of times, even though it usually means him and Mum getting into an argument. I don’t get why they don’t just realise that we’re old enough to not need all this family-time bullshit anymore. We’re like, gosh guys, we know you’re divorced.’

‘Right. So how’d you get out of English?’

‘Oh yeah. So, Paulie was asking me about what subjects I was doing and which ones were UE, and I was saying none of them are, but it doesn’t matter. Except for English. Then I was complaining about how unfair and pointless it is that Mum’s making me do it, and then Dad overheard and said to Mum, “For christ’s sake. The poor girl’s going to be an outdoor pursuits instructor. Why don’t you just leave off about the bloody English business.” It was great. He said that she couldn’t expect me to be the same as Paulie—’

‘What’s Paulie doing at uni again?’

‘God Kim, that’s not important. What Dad meant was like, not every person in the family has to go to uni. He didn’t, and he turned out fine.’

‘Yeah, but he’s a farmer. That’s like, a whole other type of work.’

Jess moved up from Timaru with her mum in third form, after her parents got divorced. Paulie stayed on the farm with their dad until he went to uni in Auckland. Their dad wanted him to be a farmer too, but their mum didn’t. Neither did Paulie, Kim supposes.

page 38

‘Yeah, I know. I kind of wish I could do something like that sometimes. Farming’s where all the money is, you know.’

‘Is your dad really rich then, would you say?’

Jess splashes water in Kim’s face and laughs as Kim spits sea salt from her tongue.

‘God, Kim. That’s so rude to ask.’ Jess smoothes her straightened waxy blond hair and raises her eyebrows. ‘Although, I suppose I can’t expect you to know the etiquette when it comes to discussing money.’

It’s common knowledge that Jess’s family has more money than Kim’s. It’s common knowledge that Kim’s family doesn’t have much at all since her dad was made redundant. She hadn’t meant to be rude. She wonders if she should try to fix her mistake, but Jess has finished talking seriously now.

‘God, you’re tanned. I’m so jealous,’ she says, flicking a finger at Kim’s chest, into the soft flesh spilling out the top of her bikini.

‘Well, you win some, you lose some I guess,’ says Kim, kicking away from Jess to float on her back.

‘Don’t get your hair wet. If you do we’ll have to go to my place and get the straightener before Lucy’s party—you know she doesn’t have one.’

‘I don’t care,’ says Kim, dipping her head back. Under the water is the quietest it’s been all day. Kim shuts her eyes and pretends she is alone until the pressure on her ears makes her brain feel frozen.

‘Hey,’ she says, pulling herself upright again. ‘Hey Jess, do you think that “Balaena” means whale? Like, is this really called Whale Bay?’

Jess isn’t listening; instead she’s looking towards the shore. Two figures are standing on the rocks at the edge of the car park. They are gesturing and calling, but the girls are too far out to hear what they’re saying.

‘Who is that?’ says Jess, tipping forward onto her stomach and starting to breaststroke inland.

Kim is glad Jess didn’t hear her whale question. ‘Are they talking to us?’ she asks, following Jess but also looking back over her shoulder, in case some danger is approaching.

As they get closer to the rocks the figures become men. Well, boys really, a few years older than themselves.

page 39

‘Wow, you two were pretty far out,’ says one of the guys. He has an American accent and is wearing a floppy beanie.

‘So?’ says Jess, patting the back of her neck to make sure her hair is still dry.

The other guy is looking at Kim. ‘Don’t I know you?’ he asks.

‘I don’t think so,’ she says.

‘I’m sure I do. Do you have a brother?’

‘We both have brothers,’ says Jess.

‘I think I know your brother,’ says the other guy, to Kim again. He has no distinguishing features, although Kim imagines now that he looks familiar. ‘What’s his name again?’

‘His name’s Matthew,’ says Jess, before Kim can decide whether or not to answer.

‘Oh yeah, Matthew,’ says the guy. ‘He was in my year at school. I went to this party he had once, when your parents were away. You were there but you mostly stayed in your room, I think. I met you when you came into the kitchen to get some food.’

Kim remembers parties Matthew’s had. He doesn’t usually wait till their parents are away though, because they’re pretty relaxed about him having people over, and they don’t go away much. They have a lot of parties of their own as well—well, they used to.

‘When was this?’ she asks.

‘Oh, must have been like two years ago now. When we were in seventh form, I guess.’

Kim is about to say something else when Jess leaps in front of her in the water, as though on land she would have pushed her out of the way. ‘That’s cool,’ she says to the guys, although she turns to Kim like the words are meant for her too. ‘What are you guys up to? Want to come for a swim?’

The guy in the beanie steps back, shaking his head. ‘No way man, it’s fucking freezing in there. You bitches are crazy.’

The other guy smacks him on the back of his head. ‘Don’t mind Johann, ladies. Just cause he’s German he thinks he’s too good for everything here.’

‘Whatever, man,’ says Johann. ‘All I’m saying is your water’s fucking cold.’

‘True,’ says Jess. ‘But you’ve just got to harden the fuck up, mate.’ page 40 She looks at the other guy and they both burst into laughter. Johann looks confused, but then starts laughing too.

When it dies down, Kim asks, ‘Why you do have an American accent?’

Jess splashes water at her, ‘Kimmy! Gosh, what kind of question is that?’ Jess never calls her Kimmy and Kim realises that she’s flirting.

‘I’m just saying. If you’re German, why don’t you sound, you know, German?’

‘We have extremely good language teachers in Germany,’ says Johann, deadpan. ‘Most of the English teachers are Americans.’

‘Yeah,’ says the other guy. ‘Johann’s fluent in, like, four languages. He’s always giving me shit for my lousy total of one.’

‘I did French in high school,’ says Jess.

‘Oh really,’ says Johann, then says something in French.

Jess looks at him blankly. ‘Well, only in third and fourth form.’

‘So what form are you now?’ asks Johann. ‘Like, fifth?’

‘Seventh,’ says Jess, glaring, but also reddening a little. She blushes easily because her skin’s so pale.

‘So, you’re still in high school,’ says the other guy.

Kim feels embarrassed for Jess, and thinks the boys might lose interest now they’ve revealed themselves as such fakers. Unexpectedly though, they think this is hilarious and start to laugh in a way that doesn’t seem mean-spirited. Jess starts laughing too, so Kim quickly joins in, not wanting to miss out this time.

Kim tugs her seatbelt, trying to tighten it to a size that’s more likely to protect her in a crash. She’s trying to do this without anyone noticing, because she’s already been teased for sitting in the middle seat. The belt is broken in the only free window seat, so she pretended that she likes the middle, where she can get a good view out front. The car isn’t really made to fit passengers. Mark is driving and Johann is next to him. Kim is squashed in the back next to Jess, and although they are both short they have to crouch to keep their heads from hitting the ceiling. They are driving round the bays at pace, looking for what Mark says will be a quieter spot.

They’re in the car because Johann offered them a smoke. They were still in the water when Jess complained that she was getting cold, page 41 then started shivering dramatically.

‘Yeah, you two must be freezing,’ said the guy whose name turned out to be Mark. ‘You should really get out of there and warm up. Where’s your stuff?’

Jess said it was down on the beach, and Mark sent Johann to gather it up. They climbed up the rocks, and when they got near the top Mark took their hands to help them the last of the way. Johann arrived back with the towels and although it was warm out of the water, Jess grabbed hers urgently and wrapped herself into it. She kept shivering until Mark went over to her and rubbed her forearms over the fabric saying, ‘There. That’s better isn’t it.’

Kim stood there watching, warm enough with her towel slung around her shoulders. That’s when Johann said to her, ‘You can sit in the car if you need to warm up a bit,’ and pointed to the little black boy-racer with the tints on the windows. It was still the only car in the car park.

‘Thanks, but I’m fine,’ said Kim, just as Jess said, ‘Thanks, I’d love to,’ and raced over, cooing about what a great car it was, even though Kim knows she doesn’t care about cars at all.

Mark followed, holding out his keys to disable the alarm. ‘Wait until you hear the bass.’

Once they were all inside, Jess decided that they should really get dressed properly if they wanted to avoid a chill. The boys promised to keep their eyes forward, but this wasn’t good enough for Jess.

‘Kimmy,’ she shrieked, ‘you just know they’re going to look.’

Mark sighed really loudly then laughed, and Johann sighed too but in a way that seemed more like he was actually annoyed. They got out of the car and stood leaning against the doors, smoking cigarettes. Jess and Kim struggled out of their bikinis and into the underwear they’d brought with them in a backpack. Jess’s towel kept slipping down as she tried to hook her bra and each time she would squeal and shout, ‘Don’t look,’ although Kim has seen her naked plenty of times before.

When they were finally dressed Johann poked his head back in and said, ‘We’re thinking about going for a smoke. You girls want to come?’

So now they are speeding. Kim is pretty sure they’re speeding page 42 anyway. She leans to the left, trying to get a view of the speedometer over Mark’s arm.

‘What are you doing?’ whispers Jess, jabbing Kim in her side. ‘Just try and be cool for once. Please?’

Kim has already embarrassed them by not understanding what Johann meant by a smoke. First, she laughed and said, ‘But you’re already smoking.’ And when Johann said, ‘No, a smoke,’ she still managed to miss the emphasis and said, ‘Oh, no thanks, we don’t.’

Jess shoved the side of Kim’s bare thigh, leaving a red handprint where the skin was still clammy and goose-pimpled, and did a loud, fake laugh. ‘Don’t mind Kimmy,’ she said. ‘She’s got such a quirky sense of humour.’

‘So you want to come?’ said Mark, leaning in the driver’s door and resting his elbows on the sill. Kim thought he looked like he was only pretending to be comfortable.

‘Of course,’ said Jess and Kim, in unison.

The guys got back in the car and put on their seatbelts.

‘Are we going somewhere?’ asked Jess.

Mark met her eyes in the rear view mirror. ‘I thought we’d been over this?’

‘Yeah, but aren’t we just going down to the rocks or something?’

‘Yeah man, but not here, too many people around,’ said Johann, shaking his head. Kim and Jess looked around the empty car park and down at the beach, which the sun was starting to leave behind. ‘You don’t want to get in trouble do you?’ Johann’s accent made every word sound mocking.

‘We never get in trouble,’ said Jess, somehow making it sound sexy, and not uncool in the way that Kim would have. The boys thought this was funny.

‘All right then,’ said Mark. ‘Besides, the weather’s going to pack in any moment. It’ll be super-windy down here in no time, we need to go somewhere more secluded.’

Mark had been right about the weather. As they speed through the narrow streets which hug the bays and stack up hefty SUVs on either side, their small car seems to lift in a new gust on each corner. They reach Shelly Bay and Mark slows a little through the Air Force base page 43 that Kim always finds so eerie, but still leaps too roughly over the many speed bumps. On the other side, he pulls into a shoulder behind a large tree. The tree won’t provide much shelter, judging by the way the car rattles as the wind works its way into the hollows where metal and glass meet.

‘I thought we were going somewhere secluded,’ says Kim, once Mark has switched off the engine.

‘That’s right,’ he says, turning in his seat and tapping the side of his nose. ‘Follow us.’

‘It’s a southerly, and the tide’s in, there won’t be anywhere—’ Kim is saying, but Mark and Johann are already opening their doors and trying to get out, only to be immediately smashed back against the car’s frame as the wind rages in, head-on. Neither of them is large or strong as they struggle back inside, whipping their feet into their chests to avoid the slamming doors. Their movements are so perfectly in sync yet inelegant that Kim and Jess both burst into giggles. When the boys don’t find it funny, Kim is relieved to feel the return of the unity with Jess that she lost the second they got in the car.

‘All right, Miss Brainiac,’ says Mark to Kim. ‘Looks like we’ll have to stay in here.’

‘Oh man,’ says Johann. ‘Your sister’ll go mental if she smells weed in the car.’

Kim is still laughing when she realises, ‘Oh wait, this is your sister’s car? I knew you weren’t handling those corners well enough to be a racer.’

‘What would you know?’ says Mark.

‘My brother’s been into racing since high school. I thought you would know that, since you guys are mates.’

‘Oh yeah, yeah I knew that. She’ll be cool, man,’ he says to Johann.

‘Your funeral,’ says Johann, taking a small, pre-rolled joint from a tin in his jacket pocket. Kim thinks the expression sounds strange in an American accent, or whatever accent it is that Johann has. She always assumed, without really thinking about it, that it was a Kiwi expression. She realises now that she doesn’t know, actually.

The joint is passed around a few times. Jess is looking unimpressed and Kim knows she’s thinking the weed isn’t that good, and they probably could have got better stuff if they’d just waited until the page 44 party. She’s just passed the joint to Mark when she notices a pine-tree-shaped air freshener hanging from the mirror.

‘Hey,’ Kim leans forward. ‘Where do you get those?’

‘Get what?’ says Mark.

‘Those air freshener things. Where can you buy those?’

‘What? I don’t know, anywhere I guess.’

‘I always thought they were just in the movies. Maybe even just cartoons. Did you buy that one?’

‘I don’t know. No. My sister bought it I guess.’

‘At the supermarket, do you think?’

‘Jesus, what the hell’s the big deal?’ Mark turns to Jess. ‘Chick, you need to calm your mate down. She’s not going to freak out on us, is she?’

Jess puts a hand on Kim’s arm. ‘She’s cool,’ she says. Then she leans in close to Kim and whispers, ‘Jesus, just shut up.’

Kim is suddenly hurt. She didn’t think Jess would care about looking cool in front of these guys any more. She thought she was being kind of funny, and she really wants one of those pine trees. Maybe she could ask Mark for that one.

‘All right, whatever,’ says Mark. ‘Want to try going for a walk on the rocks again?’

They look out at the sea, which is almost black now with white raw-meringue peaks jumping amongst the swell. Dried leaves and sand and bits of seaweed skitter, weightless, across the rocks.

‘I’m just gonna stay here and chill,’ says Johann, lifting his feet onto the dashboard.

‘I’m keen,’ says Jess. ‘Kimmy?’ She tries to grab her hand, but right then Kim feels her phone buzz in her pocket.

‘Wait, I’ve got a text,’ she says.

‘Catch up,’ says Jess, opening the door to follow Mark.

Kim grabs Jess’s arm, just before she slips out of reach. ‘Are you all right?’

Jess shakes her arm away. ‘Of course I’m all right. Are you all right?’

‘Well yeah, it’s just—’

‘What Kim?’

‘Nothing. Go.’

page 45

Jess slams the door behind her. Kim’s text is from her mum, asking if she’ll be home for dinner. She’s going to pick up fish and chips and if Kim’s going to be there, what does she want? Kim realises she forgot to tell her about the party. She’s been staying at Jess’s most nights anyway. Lately she hates being at home, watching her dad mope around, from the fridge to the couch to his bed, asking her if she’s seen the TV guide and his slippers. There’s never any milk for cereal and she always has to scrounge around in the bowl where the spare keys are kept and in the pockets of trousers in the wash before she can go to the dairy. She can’t wait to get back to school. She can’t wait to start deciding between Otago and Auckland for uni, but she still feels bad that she’s already forgetting about her mum. Well, not forgetting, but—Johann is saying something to her.

‘Wait, I just need to send this text.’ She taps out: going 2 lucys party w J. thought i told u alrdy. She almost presses send, then goes back and adds an x.

‘Do you want some more?’ Johann flings his arm back at an awkward angle, a newly lit joint between his fingers.

‘Oh, no thanks, I’m okay.’ Kim doesn’t think she’s feeling the effects of the first one much, but she doesn’t like the idea of sharing anything with Johann. Something about his accent and the way he’s sitting, with his beanie slouched down almost covering his eyes and his feet so very casually arranged on the dash—

‘Want to come sit up front with me?’ he asks.

‘Maybe in a bit, I’m pretty comfy here.’

‘Okay. Can I come sit back there with you?’

Kim can’t think of a reason to refuse. ‘If you want, I guess.’

‘Cool.’ Johann opens the passenger door and reinstalls himself in the seat next to Kim in such a swift movement that she wonders if he’s stronger than he seemed before. He keeps smoking the joint and Kim stares at the screen of her phone, pressing buttons at random. ‘Who you texting?’

‘No one.’

‘So,’ says Johann, after a long silence. ‘Do you have a job, Kimmy?’

Kim laughs, but doesn’t look up from her phone. ‘Of course not, I’m still in high school, remember?’

‘I had a job when I was in high school, so did all my friends. We page 46 wouldn’t have had any cash otherwise.’

‘What did you do?’

‘Cleaned my uncle’s bakery after school. The pay was shit.’

‘Oh, well, it’s not really like that here.’

‘How do you get money then? Like, that’s a pretty nice phone.’

Kim pulls her phone into her chest. It’s not nice—she’s wanted a new one for years. ‘My parents bought it for me. And they give me a bit of pocket money and stuff.’

‘Lucky. My friends and I were always totally broke at your age.’ Johann stretches his legs out in front of him, and his arms above his head, as much as the ceiling will allow. Kim hears bones cracking in his back. ‘Although sometimes,’ he says, ‘we used to rob people.’

Kim freezes. Is this the type of danger where she should stay dead still, or the type where she should run? She turns her head slowly towards Johann, but he’s not looking at her. ‘How?’ she asks.

‘Oh, you know,’ he says, flopping his arms down to his sides again. ‘Just small stuff. Pickpocketing on the metro, taking things left unattended.’ He takes another drag on the joint.

Kim’s finger is still poised above the 7 key—which she’s just used to type an S. She looks at what’s written on the screen—ois nsdc noizjs dk wgeo wihdj cnks—and then realises—‘That’s not really robbing though, is it? That’s just stealing.’ She looks up at him again, anxious for his reaction.

Johann frowns, then leans into the front and stubs the joint out in the ashtray. The thinning fabric of his white T-shirt hangs off his chest and grazes Kim’s leg. He turns to meet her eyes. ‘I won’t tell you about the time I mugged an old lady at knifepoint, then.’

Kim doesn’t know what kind of look passes over her face in the moments before Johann cracks himself up. ‘Jesus christ, I’m kidding. Your friend’s right, you really need to chill out.’

Kim’s chest deflates as air rushes from her lungs. She forces a smile. Johann smiles too, then sits back and puts his hand on her thigh. She turns back to her phone and starts pretending to text again. His hand is warm and bigger than she was expecting. Her leg is cold and the skin underneath the hand prickles with the contrast. She is glad she shaved her legs that morning even if she is not glad of the hand. When Johann doesn’t do anything else, Kim realises that he’s waiting for her page 47 to do something. This relaxes her and she starts playing snake on her phone.

‘Kimmy?’ says Johann, once she is up to level 5.

She clicks out of the game and looks him in the eye. ‘I wonder what the others are up to,’ she says and slips from his grasp and out of the car.

Kim looks down at the rocks. Jess and Mark are sitting on an outcrop. The wind is still raging. Jess’s hair has come loose from her bun and is whipping in tangled straws around her head. Mark leans into her and says something. Kim imagines for a moment that she sees Jess pull away.

‘Jess,’ she yells, but her voice is snatched away into the air. She takes a few steps forward and is almost knocked off balance. She looks back at the car. Johann has made no move to follow her and for once Kim is glad she isn’t the fun one. ‘Jess,’ she says again, and this time she and Mark turn. ‘It’s almost seven,’ Kim shouts. She sees Jess’s mouth make a what? shape. She holds out her phone and points to it. Even though this doesn’t mean anything on its own, phones are important enough to Jess to get her attention. Jess and Mark say a couple of things to each other, then stand and make their way back up.

‘What?’ shouts Jess, once she is close enough.

‘It’s nearly seven,’ says Kim, still waving the phone. ‘Shouldn’t we get going soon?’

‘What’s the hurry?’ says Jess. Her singlet and bra strap have slipped off her shoulder on one side. Mark is standing next to her, holding her cardigan in an absent but intimate kind of way that Kim doesn’t like. What’s the hurry? Kim makes eyes at Mark that are meant to be full of stones and he makes them back, but she thinks he’s only doing it because she did it first.

‘We promised Lucy we’d get there early to help her make punch.’

‘Did we?’ says Jess.

Now she and Kim take their turn to exchange the stones and Kim can see in her peripheral vision that Mark can’t decide where to look.

‘Yes,’ says Kim.

Jess sighs and walks away from Mark and past Kim to the car. ‘I forgot,’ she says.

page 48

Johann is spread out on the back seat now, the radio blasting some bassy hip-hop. Jess thumps down into the front passenger seat without negotiating, so Kim has no choice but to confront the pair of greying Chuck Taylors dangling from the open window.

‘Excuse me,’ she says. Johann has his eyes closed. ‘Excuse me,’ she says again, shaking his feet.

From the driver’s seat, Mark swats Johann’s face with Jess’s cardy. ‘Wake up, you stoner dickhead,’ he says. Johann jolts and swipes his arms across his face, then opens his eyes with an expression of terror. Mark and Jess laugh. Johann grabs the cardy and throws it at them.

‘What’s going on?’ he says.

‘Home time,’ says Mark.

‘Oh,’ says Johann. He looks uninterestedly at Kim, still outside the car, then removes his feet from the sill and shuffles over without saying anything to her, the ruiner of everyone’s good time.

Mark starts the car and they drive again, much slower this time. Everyone is silent and it takes a while for Kim to convince herself that they are actually going home. When she does, her mind flips with relief and just as soon she doesn’t believe it again.

She is taking up too much space in the car. Jess’s slight body seems to almost disappear beneath the plush front seat—but Kim is a whale.

‘So, you guys going to a party tonight?’ Mark says the words quietly so Kim knows the question is only for Jess.

‘Yeah, kind of,’ she hears Jess say, and when she looks at her Kim sees that she has drawn her knees up to her chest and spread her cardigan across them.

Mark asks a few more questions about the party but Jess has finished talking now. Her last responses are so quiet that Kim’s not even sure Mark can hear. Johann has his eyes closed again, and Kim knows that soon they’ll be back in town.

Kim asks Mark to pull up a few houses before Jess’s place. As soon as he stops she wishes she’d asked him to pull up further away—she doesn’t want the boys to see which house they go into. She’s feeling nauseous though, and wants to get inside as quickly as possible. She knows she’ll feel better out of sight. She starts walking briskly towards the house, even though Jess is still leaning in the passenger window, page 49 saying goodbye. Just before she gets to the gate she hears the engine roar back to life and the sound of a car speeding off down the street. Seconds later, Jess is in front of her, unlocking the door.

‘Jess?’ says Kim, sitting on the bed to towel dry her hair. She insisted on having a shower.

‘Mmmm?’ Jess keeps her eyes on the mirror, where she is putting on makeup.

‘Sorry for making us leave.’

Jess flips her head upside down and starts brushing out her hair. ‘You better start getting ready. Don’t forget we promised Lucy we’d get there early.’

Kim stands and starts flicking through dresses in the wardrobe. They share clothes all the time, even though Jess sometimes complains that Kim stretches her things out.

‘I was just feeling a bit freaked out from the weed, I guess.’

‘You don’t have to explain yourself,’ says Jess. ‘If you can’t handle, that’s cool.’

‘You’re not annoyed at me?’

‘Not really.’

‘Mark gave you his number, right? You could text him and invite them to the party.’

‘Nah, it’s okay.’

‘I thought you liked him.’

‘I told him I didn’t have my phone, so he wrote his number on a scrap of paper. I threw it away as soon as we got out of the car.’ Jess is looking back into the mirror now, putting on lipstick.

‘Why’d you do that?’ Kim finds her eyes in the mirror.

Jess pauses in her application, holding the tube up to her cupid’s bow. ‘Because you were creeped out by them, Kim, that’s why. Why would I want to hang with creeps?’

‘I didn’t think you agreed—that they were creeps.’

‘God, Kim, you’re supposed to be so smart, why do you have to act like such a dummy sometimes?’

‘I’m not,’ says Kim, turning back to the wardrobe.

‘Then why can’t you understand that I was just trusting your opinion for once? You had a weird feeling about them, and you’re page 50 usually right about that kind of thing.’ Jess stands up and marches over to the wardrobe. She pulls out a green dress with white bows on the sleeves and presses it up against Kim. ‘You should wear this. I’m too pale for it.’

‘You’re not too pale,’ says Kim, reflexively, still shocked by Jess’s admission.

Jess sighs. ‘I actually don’t mind being pale, you know. Just like I don’t mind that I’m not going to uni. I just mind that everyone else always seems to mind, you know.’

‘I don’t mind,’ says Kim.

‘I know I get carried away sometimes.’

Kim takes off her T-shirt and starts wriggling the dress over her head. ‘Jess?’ she says again, her voice muffled from beneath the fabric.

‘Mmmm?’ says Jess.

‘I don’t think those guys even knew my brother, eh?’

Kim imagines what Jess sees when she turns: Kim standing in her underwear, the dress half-on, obscuring her face, her short, brown limbs sticking out on all sides. Jess bursts into laughter and comes over, pulling the dress down and smoothing the hair back off Kim’s face. Kim is laughing too, which makes Jess laugh more. They stand face to face and keep laughing until a little tear tips over Jess’s lash line and smudges mascara down her cheek. Kim wipes it away with her finger.

‘I know, right,’ says Jess. ‘Matthew’s way too cool to have ever hung out with those losers.’