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Journal of Trip to Asia
15 Sept. [1958]
Clearing up of office. Farewells. Up [to Auckland] by plane. Sitting alongside Fr Branagan on plane.
‘Revelations of Divine Love’ – visions – one sister had visions – the other rejoiced in them.
Green fields of Auckland. Egmont like a great . . . Sea like beaten copper.
In Auckland met Angela and Jean. Small rosary. . . . Visit to St Patrick’s [Cathedral]. Statue of Jesus the Workman beating out his own cross . . . Studied the hands. Confession – ‘Father, I can only number one sin – impurity of thought – spirit of joy and . . .’.
‘Stay off the grog, it makes a fool of a man.’
House in Ponsonby – square of light from door into shadow out by tree.
page 355Hand on her thigh in taxi – rending limbs of Christ. . . .
Psalmus XLVII: ‘the thighs of the north’. Character of Jean – moral. Late Bohemian conversation – yarns at the table – Jean and Angela and Cushla. To bed by starlight in big-windowed room – meaning of pictures – uneasy dreams.
16 Sept.
Early rising – toast and marmalade and coffee – But finally with taxi driver . . . Shadow of plane on clouds . . . climb into milky whiteness.
Last sight of N.Z. mudflats and breakers.
Above 3 tongues of land – sandwiches and coffee at 12,000 feet.
Dark the cloud-shadows on water. . . . Burly elbow of the rivers. Farms and wharves. Long fire-break . . . through the bush. Above Australian scrub.
Plane tilting at sharp angle. ‘Extinguish cigarettes and fasten seat-belts.’
COUNTRY LIKE A WORN MAT, scrubbed too often. Hilltops scraped by bulldozers.
Hotel sumptuous to me. A cab driver shouts ‘You old [sexo! ?]’ along the street. ‘Watch out for yourself ’ is the reply. Faces – one can see where Mr Nash got his fun. Red, lined faces and dull eyes. . . .
At Mass at the Basilica twenty to six (p.m.) Huge holy water fonts like baptismal basins. Tiredness in the air. The vault of God where Verbum caro factum est. In Confession the young, dark priest . . .
‘I’ve [told?] some very crook stories, Father.’
‘Ask God and His Holy Mother to give you a true sorrow for the scandal you have caused, the harm you may have been to their souls.’
In this violent country everything seems excessive. . . .
17 Sept.
Evening spent yesterday with Fr Molloy. Collar off and jersey on. A wrestler at heart: tough . . . Talked of purity of Fra Angelico’s work – green and other colours – yet Yanks who tried to do it got muddy results.
Fr Molloy . . . on Asian students’ problem – 50% Asian, 50% student. Talked till three in morning till ashtray was full of stubs. Meal: oysters, eggs, prawns, chips.
Could not sleep – fell asleep at three – dreamt of Jacquie – teeth (my) broken by fall on verandah – she comforting me. Woke spitting and afraid of demons: too dark in room: claustrophobic . . . ghost in bathroom. Read C.S. Lewis’s book about Ungit – Till We Have Faces.
Relationship of laity to clergy – difficult but rewarding.
Morning to Mass – Our Lady keeping promise to get me to daily Com- munion. Praise her! Statue in basilica is Our Lady of Perpetual Succour. . . .
Talk over FIVER – well deserved.
page 356Visit to A.A. Headquarters – with maps of Australia and of Sydney: Grace and Jack. Coca-Cola and sandwiches.
Met John Childs and wife in the street . . . coffee together.
CONSTELLATION at 7.30 p.m. . . .
‘Attachez vos ceintures’ in some way more significant that ‘Fasten seat belts’. Japanese with me at the front.
Flying at night – the flame streaming from exhausts is plane’s enormous spit – demonic power ⇢ Darwin.
18 Sept.
Psalmus XV: ‘Keep me safe, Lord; I put my trust in thee . . .’
‘Blessed be the Lord, who schools me; late into the night my inmost thoughts chasten me.’ As at Bab’s and at the hotel.
First rays of the sun behind a frame of clouds. One star shining in the east. Cloudless heaven above the clouds – the Little Flower speaking of the world as a country under fog. The old dream of the Void . . . but only space.
Rough ride through clouds into Manila. Rain-soaked country. Humid. Typhoon over Tokyo might hold us up over Manila.
In airport restaurant Italian priest in rattling conversation with Filipino hostess. Man with timid, full face and bloodshot eyes. She is trim, childish body.
He is from Saigon. Talk of exchange of money, living-quarters, Seville, Rome.
Gave him tin of cigarettes – at first declined, then accepted.
Take-off from Manila in the rain – cool towels for forehead, and fruit juice. Flooded fields alongside coast; arrow-shaped . . .
Green and white (?) squares alternating under torn drifting rushing clouds. Towns among trees at intervals.
‘position of Typhoon Helen – will have shifted from Tokyo.’
17,000 ft. above the Pacific Ocean – going to the dyke, reading, smoking.
Nearing islands, torn clouds like feathery islands in the sea. For the first time can see wrinkles of waves below – v. clean air.
Rosary and Stations of the Cross – Joyful Mysteries – a planeload.
Coming into Tokyo – first tiny green light on wingtip; the blue flame from exhaust engines as evening comes on. ON LEFT.
ON RIGHT – Oshima Islands, bordered by red ribbon of sunset. Tip of volcano visible against sky. 84° F. in Tokyo.
page 357Difficulty getting hotel and transport. Put up by QANTAS at the ‘Akasaka Prince Hotel’. Streets of Tokyo – side-streets full of sharks – walking the pavement between 10 and 12 – taxis everywhere – must have been trouble with . . .
19 Sept. Unable to sleep properly. Kept light on. Dreamt of Jacquie.
3 baths a day in square bath-tub.
St Ignatius Cathedral – shop selling Catholic supplies – prints of Our Lady shown as Japanese woman.
Meal of fish and eggs and rice at small shop (90 yen). Eating with chopsticks – wood in one piece, to be broken. Courtesy of management. Television screen, blank.
Met Mr Pereira from Ceylon – in charge of distribution (?) of textbooks. And Dr Abrahams. Drink in town with Dr Abrahams at ‘The Castle’ –
Television Seven showing women’s fashions.
Visit to N.Z. and British embassies. Two dogs rooting on a corner in the heat. Toys in toyshop. American woman buying for her child. Robots, boats, cars, dolls.
Trip by tram to Chagasaki. Blue plush seats. Cleanliness of Japanese. Wooden shacks surrounding Tokyo. Uniforms of white shirts and dark pants. Women dressed in European style and conventional Japanese.
Closely cultivated fields alongside line. What it means to be in a pagan country.
Posters advertising – some blown over by typhoon. Dark hawks as scarecrows. Fields on fields of vegetables.
Off with crowd at Chagasaki. Trying to find Fr Morris. Tall priest with twang and glasses. After 5 minutes comes to meet me.
Evening Mass – about 18 present, mainly women. Mural painted by previous priest of Our Lady standing on the moon, flanked by two . . . angels. Priest without server.
Plenty of books on shelves. Chesterton, Knox etc. Meal of eel with Japanese housekeeper serving.
Evening at N—s. Ride on motorbike through backstreets. House among dwarf pines. Slippers at door. Three attractive daughters and parents. Discussion of whether daughters should go to America to marry Yanks.
TV Seven showing wrestling and crime serials. . . . Sweet cakes and fish and tea.
Queasy stomach. One girl Catholic.
page 358Easy conversation of priest in Japanese. Better class family.
Fish, vomited in evening back at presbytery.
20 Sept.
Early Mass. Drowsy. Squeaky shoes. Women with veiled heads. Talk with Fr N— in his shirtsleeves.
Then to sculptor Mr O—. Passed old Shinto temples among pines, with children’s playground in temple grounds. Smell of farm animals. Men living against back of stream.
Sculptor in shed dabbing whitewash on sculpture of Our Lady of Lourdes.
Wife and five children – wife with one child strapped on back.
Sculptor small wrinkled formal man, v. cheerful. Family live in one room.
Visit to Fr P—. Chapel in converted mansion. Fr O— a keen gardener.
. . . Shelter in back flattened by storm. . . . Milky drink = cordial.
Irish young Columban priest visiting – speaking of Irish fighting. Clear blue eyes. Bath in wooden tub. Walk in bush with Fr N— . . .
Dream of being squashed to death – strangulation – demons etc.
If prayer doesn’t help, must be . . . as God’s will. But turn on light and read a little.
Jacquie, I love you – I wish you were with me now.
Dream of violence, and child prostitution. Satanist pact involved.
21 Sept.
Mass and Benediction. Full church. Reading Belloc’s How the Reformation Happened and J.P. Morton on Belloc. Able to join in the Latin – ‘Tantum ergo sacramentum’.
(Remember shame at not being able to serve Mass.)
[Name and address of Japanese educators / writers listed.] Discussed possible exchange of manuscripts and illustrations.
Books for children of primer level chiefly. Illustrations from children’s own pictures, though by adults.
Miss ISHII MOMOKO writes for children. Adviser to IWANAMI Publishing Co.
Mr WATANABE
Japanese-style church – squarish; sliding doors.
Swiss-style church – Graveyard of nuns alongside . . . Nuns of Japanese
page 359origin. Hospital T.B. run by Sisters of the Visitation. Old French priest – translating Japanese-French history. . . .
- 24 Sept.
Visit to technical school and printing works in afternoon.
In evening walk and discussion with Soviet professor. Still pedantic but sociable.
Bought 12 cups for Jacquie. Muslim restaurant 60 years. Eating with chopsticks.
Evening. Show of slides of Japan and China by Mr Pryor (English). Show of two films – Deccan Village and Afghanistan.
Soviet prof ’s comments – too gloomy a view of life.
Sitting in bar afterwards with Pryor and . . . Ironing out of crisis.
25 Sept.
Visit to technical schools etc. Coming of typhoon interrupted this. Children singing Japanese songs to Western music. . . .
Typhoon Ida shown on television – flooded streets – landslips – swollen rivers.
Crooners and wrestlers on television. Domestic love stories.
At night. Rosary in room. Attempt to write paper. Dream of wife-murder, criminal with tobacco in place of brain; for analysis; sleeping beside corpse of wife. ‘Now his loss of the soul can express itself.’ Later wishes to stress he (the murderer) is in fact schizophrenic. Wife is Polynesian (Jacquie) and prefers celibacy in marriage (Jacquie). He kills her with an axe. Flower that comes alive is in child’s story . . .
26 Sept.
Late leaving from hotel because of effects of typhoon. Two reporters in hotel grounds. I start paper on non-audio-visual teaching only.
Flooded streets – small wooden houses – shopkeepers with wares lifted down ahead of water – man on a raft of oil drums – children playing in water – older children wading with younger children on their backs – flattened crops – landslides pushing houses over – bus held up by water and landslides for 2 hours. Man in service station crouched on chair, but asleep still.
. . . as in N.Z. but far more crowded. Mountain groups, waterfalls, suspension bridges . . . room at hotel open – Fujihakawa. Low tables, sleeping on mats. Sulphur baths – ritual of washing before entering. Boiling hot. Then cold shower. Communal bath-place.
page 360Walk with Mr Pereira by moonlight – in busy days – realising good to walk in. Under large moon. . . . Communication with Mr Win, Chinese Anglican. Communists are anti-Government. Face and intelligence of evangelical. Objects to attempted rule of High Anglican Bishop. Discussion of Communist methods on one Ritualist who preached openly till 2 years ago – then arrested and disappeared – crowds used to gather to him. Sharing room with Mr Win. Then we sleep.
27 Sept.
Clatter of workers and scaffolding. Steam rising from sulphur spring. Whistle of birds. Early bath in sulphur spring. Mr Pereira on animal-killing; tigers are friendly. . . .
. . . of jet plane above the mountains. Sight of Mount Fuji above cloud. . . .
Visit to printing works. 7-colour printing. Attractive girls. Huge press working.
Small . . . in coffee glass.
Back by 10. Conversation with Prof. [Karasawa] on Buddhism.
Writing paper for conference. Paper finished. Reading Husband of the [Lord?].
Mild earthquake at 1 o’clock.
[The following entries for September 28, 29, 30 and October 1, 2, 3 are illegible to me.]
4 October
Left hotel at noon, after drafting of final report. Prof. Karasawa presents me with ‘crying doll’ and explanation.
Trip on tram down to Cho-Shi – boys in procession, school uniform. Father playing with child.
Housekeeper at Cho-Shi, Catechist and cook. Motherly smile. Discussion with Frs Bradley and Cain. Importation of drugs into Japan – revenge of Red China. Bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki killed many Catholics. Early Catholic martyrs – girl hung head down for 16 days over pit of burning oil, with temples pierced so that blood would flow and she would not die. . . . Jesuits executed at Nagasaki.
Sleep with bad dreams; back to bed with rosary around the neck.
5 Oct.
Early Mass. Many hymns. Housekeeper wanting references for people. . . .
page 361Many women at Mass.
Visit to hospital in afternoon. Procession of Our Lady of the Holy Rosary.
Procession through hospital wards – sick man smiling in bed repeating words ‘Ave, ave Maria’. Benediction. ‘Tantum ergo sacramentum’.
6 Oct.
Visit to Chiba. Monthly meeting of priests. Esprit de corps.
Flooded paddy fields surrounded by storm fences.
Back to Tokyo, to Columban College. TV in recreation room.
7 Oct.
Three priests saying Mass in chapel. Reception of Blessed Sacrament. Visit to town – coffee in coffee-shop. Buy drugs. Met two Yankee sailors;
direct them and give them coffee . . .
8-9 Oct.
Coffee shop under railway bridge. Meeting university students; talking of unionism and teachers’ strike. Dinner at McAlpine’s. Massage in barber’s shop.
DEATH OF THE POPE. Discussion at table. Off to airport.
10 Oct.
Journey on plane – talk to owl-eyed American.
Hard face became sensitive, talking of Japan.
Over the harbour and mountains into Hong Kong.
Crowded streets, beggars, rickshaw men . . .
Mr J.M. Tan at office – sent me to Shamrock Hotel.
At Tan’s place – Chinese poet – ruined idealist, face of.
Tan talking of suffering of people – eloquent on faults of colonialism.
Living in a sarcophagus. His wife taking of dogs – humanitarian – admiration of Quakers.
11 Oct.
Dalmatian priest up at rectory. . . . Singing of Japanese . . . Chinese woman kneeling before Blessed Virgin.
Enormous congestion; guards in the banks with rifles. Whore in dark glasses – neatly dressed – ‘Come to my own house.’
Patched sails of yachts, tattered, alongside fresh yachts.
page 36212 Oct.
Water through streets. Old women in black shifting forward at quayside. Gift of chess-set . . . medal of Sacred Heart . . . Children playing with shouts. . . .
Sung Kyrie. . . .
At rectory, dog jumping up, priest with little [can heating his dinner?] ‘Japanese Catholics are the best of all.’
Forgive me, father, for saying it, but mentions Our Lord, Our Lady, and the blessed saints seen in heaven, and us left on earth to fend off . . .
J.M. Tan speaks of Japanese atrocities – people tied to trees and left to die. Raping of nurses in Red Cross hospital. Woman hiding behind bathroom door.
Dream: my familiar alter ego: the suffering criminal. Je suis forçat; je suis nègro. . . . [Most of this page is illegible to me.]
Dear Jacquie – Once I was one of those people who, if they are thirsty enough, will drink salt water; now I am like you, I would rather die of thirst – but one does not die, somehow a little water . . . on canvas. One is kept alive by [minority?] – statement on sex.
Those who have been without food a long time: their stomachs may [burn?] if they eat. . . .
13 Oct. [Entry illegible to me.] 14 Oct.
Plane to Bangkok – Sat beside Chinese-English woman teacher. Lady.
Thailand people are water dwellers. A lot of canals and wooden huts. Huge war memorial at Bangkok. Men with helmets.
Buddhist priests in street with yellow robes. Boy riding on back of buffalo.
Children swimming in canals. Meal of rice and sauce and tea and soup and cakes. Cheap.
[Reflection of light through bamboo slats. Card-playing on mattress. Shaving with cold water, dressed in loose pyjamas. The green rice swaying above the water.]
Can’t sleep in hotel room. Great fan spinning continually. Cold shower.
Dream of trying to dynamite House of Parliament, but fuses have become wet. . . .
15 Oct.
Green fields full of fords; brown rivers and stilt houses. I would like to know the Thai character and sign for peace. . . . fleecy tall clouds marching across this green country. . . .
page 363Perhaps our muscle-bound culture is what it is because we have never become a nation. The secret about peace is written in the hearts of one or two poets and painters. Some special secret aspect of the beauty of God is revealed in each country: it cannot be normal, but it wounds the soul with grief and delight. . . .
Rivers like great lizards – spreading silt far into the sea – the water dragon. . . .
New Delhi – rains and buffalos and many turbaned Sikhs. Wide plain for many hours – vastness of India apparent. Camels and forests and paddyfields and reservoirs.
Met at the airport by 2 Ministry of Education people. . . .
Large dish of curry and chicken.
Terrible dreams – Jane with a crumbling, anguished face.
Jacquie [arriving?] at the house – the demons have to leave.
16 Oct.
8 o’clock Mass – My clumsiness at Requiem Mass – Weep in cathedral.
Fortune-teller in the street. Hi-jacks me for 5 rupees.
Met Miss V. ‘Kitchlou’ and Mr Sharma.
First discussion of programme – 2 grades of primary school (6-11, 11-14).
Will meet writers in Delhi and elsewhere.
Tomorrow to see Mr K.P. Misra (Community Development).
Ride in motor bicycle rickshaw.
Walk down street. Beggar with baby (man beggar).
Boy homosexual offering me sex. ‘One rupee’ – you come home.
‘I am Catholic’ – show him crucifix on rosary. He is hard to convince.
He says [two types of tobacco] are too rough for his throat.
Very cheerful boy dressed in dirty white.
Then to hotel room. Write to Jacquie and Derek . . .
Rosary, bath and bed. HE is now with me.
17 Oct.
Early Mass. Go to John Corren’s place in the early morning. Eastern house with locked doors, bars, chickens in the yard.
See houses with Mr Kawa. . . . New houses. 500 rupees a month.
See Mr K.P. [Misra?]. Community Development all over India. Officials and sub-officials. ‘Brahmins were the teachers.’ Will visit C.D. 8-16 November.
Evening talk with John and Leo. Leo’s book on Goa.
page 364Dreams confused of death and pain. Leper in the street with stumps of limbs.
18 Oct.
Visit to Hospital of the Holy Family, with Leo. Brother, his wife (also Catholic) is doctor-surgeon. One day off in fortnight.
Moslem hospital run by nuns, endowed with American money. Waiting for bus. Monkeys in the trees.
[Earlier visit with Leo to Agra Dam. Brown water boiling over the weir. Whole family of monkeys kings in own tree. Hindu faith is the banyan tree.]
Beggars and beggars. Risk in crowded bus. I’m thinking I should get another home.
Visit with John to market. Shop-keepers sitting in street, with wares. Mats etc. Working late by light of fires. Sitting in cane chairs outside shops.
Dream of Beatrice in Purgatory. Her eyes draw me on.
19 Oct.
Up at 4.30 a.m. Cold shower. Early Mass. Very sleepy.
Nuns in white. Breakfast at hospital.
Leo and Bertha and I go to Red Fort – old Mogul palace – magnificent gardens once – onyx and jade decorations – bottom – War Museum.
Visit to market in Old Delhi. People with sores. Food sold everywhere in the street. People sleeping on the pavement in the sun. Crowd and . . . Statue of Gandhi in Gandhi Memorial Park . . . Almost naked youths sleeping on grass and on pavements. Coloured prints of the Sacred Heart and of Gandhi.
Back by bus. Crowded. Women with silver bangles on arms and legs. The Elephant God.
Women everywhere with nose ornaments. Festival of Kali in the square . . .
20 Oct.
Find, by the help of Our Lady, a good home at Nizamuddin East. Will require furnishing – also a good cook-bearer.
Visit Kaura and tell him what has been done. Return early to John’s place and sit outside until the cook-bearer appears.
Write letter to Jacquie – good on me! Dream of a demon throttling me – have to call on Gandhi to drive him away.
page 36521 Oct.
Post letter to Jacquie. Type poems and write-up for Leo.
Visit to Exhibition. Yarn with . . . from Ceylon. Sitting in café talking about emancipation of women. Exhibition very effective. Coir matting.
Talk with Leo and Bertha. A dead owl in the water tank(?).
22-26 Oct.
Arrangements of home – geyser etc. Visits to hospital. Meal with John in upstairs restaurant.
26 Oct.-3 Nov.
In Bombay – ‘Into Egypt’
[List of names and occupations of seven people he met and six members of the Asiatic Society.]
3-6 Nov.
Mons. Lobo. Our Lady of Perpetual Succour. Talk to Theatre Unit. Dinner with Arab family.
[Followed by planning notes for rest of trip. Second version is (1) Sunday 23 November leave Delhi⇢Calcutta – 24th Monday. (2) Madras – Sunday 14th
December. (3) Bombay – 18 January]
7 Nov.
Train journey with Leo, Jacquie and the kids.
7-12 Nov.
Settling into house adjustment to the cook-bearer.
Maria, ora pro nobis.
12 Nov.
Visit to Mrs Kitchla – morning programmes arranged.
Visit to Mr Misra – afternoon – C.D. programmes arranged.
Dream of fighting woman with foil – playing foil home in dress, v. satisfactory –Chinaman emerges with scissors.
Jacquie wrenches her hip. Hilary’s dysentery is better. Meet Indian contractor in restaurant. Yarn to him. [Notes on bus times.]
13 Nov.
Visited Community Development Centre –
Making of dolls etc. from paper and clay
Hospital and clinic
Training School for young men from villages.
page 366Veterinary centre.
14-23 Nov.
Visiting villages –
| (i) | Visit to farm – sugar-cane being grown – snakes and rats live in the same holes – drink of crushed sugar-cane, like cold tea. |
| Lying at rest hour in room with Mr X—. He tells me that Lord Krishna also had invented the hydrogen bomb – strong, fanatic face. English and Vedas. | |
| Camels grazing outside – red dung of animals – he-camel runs amok . . . she-camel is a quieter animal. Some camels are yoked for the plough. Most are used to turn the ‘Persian wheel’ . . . | |
| One defecates in the open . . . | |
| Sugar-cane juice condensed in open oven fire of corduroy . . . | |
| (ii) | Farmers’ Co-operative – old testament . . . sitting around the hookah. Boy sitting with naked tail at his father’s feet. |
| (iii) | Poultry farm with eggs sold at 8 annas each – big eggs – fowls are fed everything including marble chips. |
| (iv) | Orchard at Shalimar – stones slung from a bow . . . the residence of Mogul princesses. Guava eaten with chili, salt and lemon, on a leaf. |
| (v) | Beside the railway line – sitting and eating radishes and green tomato. Girl hammering millet with wooden stick, then sifting it in the wind, pouring from a pan held on her head. |
| (vi) | School built by villagers in flooded area – irrigation channel and garden. Village hospital and village midwife. Cowdung is dried in cakes and used for plaster, for feet and for . . . Improved grain is demonstrated and sold to villagers. |
| (vii) | Village temple with Shiva, Rama, and Ganesh sitting inside – a list of ‘Holy Family’. |
| (viii) | Welder met at the cathedral who had come to meet the Archbishop – Wife of man with 9 children – she left man, went with him . . . but loved her and his child. |
| (ix) | The village potter shaping his pots by hand – spent the tea-kettle on some pots. Will keep water pure for 2 months. |
| (x) | Main improvements in the villages – |
| New schools – e.g. girls’ school of white-washed brick in place of village school in house lent by owner. | |
| Smokeless ‘chula’ and windows in the houses Hospital and veterinary services | |
| Better varieties of wheat, treated with insecticides Digging of new walls | |
| Re-establishment of village councils; training for adults etc; co-operatives Cleaning of the village streets | |
| (xi) | Old woman rubbing her hands in [?] on Jacquie’s face. |
23-24-25 Nov.
Little sleep in train – snoring of . . . alongside. Reading Ribald Tales in early hours. . . . quoting Tagore about a snoring – also ‘He comes, He comes, He comes’. Sitting smoking on the conductor’s bench . . . escort me to taxi – to hotel.
. . . meet taxi in street – ‘French or English girl, very nice, schoolteacher’ (!) . . .
Prayer ‘Mary, Mary’ (TWICE, in case once not enough).
Urge to self-rendition – letter to my mother, later torn up. Hot Water in bath.
Mass at 6 – St Francis Xavier and St Ignatius . . . with unostentatious robes . . .
25 Nov.
Visit to Boys’ Home. RAMAKRISHNA.
Swami. Swimming tank. Machines from Russia. Library. A magnificent show-piece. Some boys ‘rest against it’. Coconut trees. Hot coffee and religion. . . .
Big tank near Writers Building – with people . . .
26 Nov.
Mass at 5.30. with birds in swooping . . . above altar – do they dung it? Perhaps a miraculous continence. Beggars outside – the drug-addict again; and the boy with foot and leg grown together, about 20 – one rupee each. . . .
Visit to St Thomas’s School – emphasis on English life. Anglo-Indian . . . ‘They fall sick when it is examination time’ – early exile of English children from their mothers . . .
. . . Whoever looks into my heart will see a spring full of giant roots – the disordered passions of twenty years.
Reading of Ribald Stories – Papal Encyclical on Christian Education, Marriage and the Priesthood. The bearer at 30 rupees a month. ‘I am a small man.’ Dignity greater than that of hotel-keeper . . .
[List of names, occupations, addresses. The second name listed was that of his friend Leo who lived at 547 Kalbaderi Road, Bombay. JKB did not supply Leo’s surname but referred to him as ‘mon frère’.]
27 Nov.
Girls’ school.
28 Nov.
Leper in the market beyond Howrah Bridge. Stretched out on back on pavement; curiously dignified attitude, with head thrown back. Threw 10 n.p. beside the fingerless hand pierced by sores – still don’t dare touch.
page 368Policeman in shorts with lothi – ‘Why do you give him money? It’s the last time.’ Abdomen just moving; foot (gangrenous?) swathed in huge bandage; match-like legs; flies on eyes and nose. Jesus was coming down from the Cross among the beheaded coconuts at the back of the market; but no one was there to welcome Him, not even His Mother.
Wild, fierce head carved from mahogany. He had found the only exit from Calcutta. It is conceivable that he died without hope, and exchanged this terrible human exile for a worse one. But St Francis Xavier, a most practical saint, would have something to say about it; and might at that moment be gripping him to a bearded chest. I was too cowardly to put my arms around him or even hold his hands; but prayed for him willingly then and afterwards.
‘I get you one tala’ – ‘Two tala’ – ‘Three tala blue bhang’.
The Vale of Bhang
Forests of musical colours, dark green and red and gold, where the fruits are metaphysics. Stairs and galleries and ever-changing fountains of colour and music and meaning. The Blessed Virgin Mary is
| Peace | green forests growing |
| Truth | Verbum caro factum est |
| The □ | justice, the wrath of God, the not-to-be-spoken |
| The Woman | the unpredictable |
| LOVE | ‘To always kiss and tell’, she says is the meaning |
She who is lovely has led me along strange galleries in the Vale of Bhang. Now She bids me write this story so that Her loveliness should be known – and Her sense of humour. Here as always She is with me, for She belongs to Them (the Trinity) and His Throne. She led me down strange galleries, my Beloved Mother, and She scolded me and laughed at me and often made me silent – with the most joyful shapes and shapes of joy – coming from Her. She said IT was Her – What Is Perfect – and so everything is made perfect through Her; because She is in Him; and I was going to say ‘Him is in Them’, but no, He is One of Them. She kept me safe – when I was afraid of dying and of the demons, and above all She kept me from sinning, and made me say my Rosary through the worst of it (the Sorrowful Mysteries) – my mouth was cold and stiff – and She is with me, my mother MARIA DE PERPETUAL SUCCOUR – you see, mother, I don’t know Italian – not even Latin. Help Me Mary.
page 369| (i) | (Picture) | This is a fish riding on a bicycle – IN THE AIR |
| (ii) | (Picture) | She is teaching me a game. She won’t let me make it obscene. She lets me see it’s a hideous word – sick, old, foul – O (Picture) |
| (iii) | (Picture) | WHAT EVIL IS |
| (iv) | (No Picture) | WHAT GOOD IS I am too proud to know it. I weep and wish to be a child. She was a child, She told me; a happy child (yes) and a little girl, lovely, ‘just a little girl’ she said. O so lovely. My lovely Lady. (Beginning of scroll.) |
| (v) | She tells me every now and then to drink water. It is probably good for people who smoke bhang – silly people. Evil was so mean. Be fair to Our Lady, Our Lady (picture) who is always beautiful. She turned Herself into a flower; a sad flower (JUST NOW) for LOVE (JUST NOW). | |
| (vi) | She told me not to think about Hell. | |
| (Picture) | This is a drawing! | |
| (vii) | So bhang makes one a child, she tells me. Then She was sharp; She can be terribly sharp – because She is Truth – | |
| (Decoration) | because She loves Us and wants Us to shine, for Us to shine. | |
| (viii) | (Picture) | Terry. What Terry is I love. |
| (ix) | Beryl, this will amuse you – that I should smoke bhang and | |
| (Decoration) | then be tied up (GOOD) by the Blessed Virgin. She is with Me. | |
| (x) | Jacquie. I’m sorry. She is my wife. | |
| (Sketch) | I can’t draw her because that is HOLY. Another joke by Her. | |
| (xi) | (Sketch of glass) | Me. I’ve just had a glass of water. If I didn’t obey Her I’d probably go MAD. |
| (xii) | Another glass full of water. She says I have to get rid of the rest of the bhang. I love Her so I will. | |
| (xiii) | She tells me to press the crucifix against my trousers to avoid | |
| (Word becoming precipice) | Lust | |
| (xiii) (Picture) She is my dear, lovely (PRACTICAL) Mother. | ||
| (xiv) | (Picture) | Terry was in pieces; She is not. |
| (Picture) | She doesn’t mind being Us.page 370 | |
| (xv) | Purgatory is brotherhood. She wouldn’t let me think of Hell. | |
| (Decoration) | Poem about Paper (?) She could give classes in modern art. She is Beauty. | |
| (xvi) | (Sketches) | Death – to me it was all a part of life. |
| (xvii) | She let me rest my head on her breast. | |
| (xviii) | The angels don’t exist in Her (we do) but we see them through Her. |
[Various notes, names and addresses follow.]
30 Nov.
Visit to Bishnu Dey – cheroot and coffee and nuts – discussion of Communism – beautiful face of poet – house in by-street close to water and coconut trees. . . .
Talk with tout at street corner – wife has had injections . . . 4 rupees for bed . . . ‘student girl’ – but a natural family man . . . a European passed me and gave me a sour look.
Fires in the street in the early morning with people washing their kids.
Small huts near Sealdah – against street wall – a few mats spread out – boy asleep inside – shopman spreading wares.
Dignity of the bearing of the common man and woman.
Children begging – but laughing as they went with me down the street – 1
n.p. only.
1 Dec.
Travel on train. Family with me (is) old man with long grey hair and beard, sitting cross-legged – superior to old N. 2 man because still head of family (ii) woman with children (a far more contorted face than you would see at 6 o’clock on the bus in N.Z.) laughs and blue sari (iii) son with glasses, in dhoti like father – will act sanction part of father (iv) widow in corner, in white edged in black, v. humble-looking. Would not accept dates I bought – dates with small amount of ants in them.
A man becomes a poet only when he comes to realise – morality is dialectic of self-discipline and self-knowledge, but art steps free of the self, like a child plunging into a pool and swimming, forgetting study that it has not learnt . . .
[A name, address and financial calculation follow.]
VILLAGE SADHU – in grass hut alongside temple; talking freely to villagers and mixing among them; they touch his feet at arrival and departure. Full-faced, sturdy man of 50, neatly dressed, with long brownpage 371 hair and beard. Wooden sandals leaving calluses between big and second toes. Giving dried herbs to villagers; advice to woman (with black dress and silver ankle-rings) with baby about feeding. Gave H— and myself Indian sweets on arrival. Stretched out on bed.
‘Yoga?’ ‘There are 1½ lakhs of different kinds of yoga.’
‘Morality?’ ‘The lines separating one person’s field from another’s.’
‘God?’ ‘Each man can become God, as soon as he forgets himself.’ Squirrel popping over . . . on table. (Beasts and Saints) – calf gently and happily chewing its cud. . . .
- (1) Our strength is in our weakness – so far as we depend on God
- (2) The unkindness of them is the greatest kindness of God
- (3) Our greatest difficulties are things that never happen
- (4) I must be patient with myself first, then with them We must not be discouraged with our weakness
[JKB mentions a visit to Hindu Theological College and a High School in Madras. This is followed by a list of names and contact details of some authors. Then he mentions a visit to St Thomas Mount, including a shrine of St Thomas, two other schools and a hospital conducted by the Little Sisters of the Poor.
The notebook ends with two drafts of the poem ‘Howrah Bridge’, a draft of a ballad (‘Song of Custoba’), and four names, three of them with contact details, including ‘Jim Baxter, 41 Collingwood St, Ngaio, Wellington, New Zealand’.]
1958 (182)