A Few Plain Recipes.

(By "Mrs. Beeton.")

"Well then, we'll make a hash of it."—Coriolanus.

Air: "If you want a receipt for that popular mystery "—Patter Song from "Patience."

If you want a receipt for that man at the 'Varsity
Known to the world as a dignified Prof.,
Just take all the scholars you know of in our City,
Get a good tune and then rattle them off;
The wit of Mackenzie who takes Anglo-Saxon,
The book of a Salmond who wrote on the Law,
Defence by a Richmond of Brook from an action,
Sarcasm of Murphy we always adore;
The brains of Maclaurin who's full of diversity,
Doctor of Laws at a Home University,
Rabbit of Kirk's, and a Frog—just a touch of it—
Smell of an Easterfield—not very much of it—
Go of a Hunter, the dash of a Von,
Latin and Greek of our classical John.

Take of these elements all that is fusible,
Melt 'em all down in a beaker or crucible,
Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,
And a dignified Prof. is the residuum.

If you want a receipt for an undergrad, typical,
Get if you can the great genius of Joynt,
The lit'rary powers of H. Bodley the mythical,
Wit of Jim Dykes when he's making his point;
A little of Joe from Taihape's insanity,
Cheek of James Moore when he's boarding a barque
The style of a Plunket with Masher Clark's vanity,
Speed of Bill Wallace when taking a mark;
The powers of endurance of Caesar or Hannibal
Appetite ever like that of a cannibal,
Great veneration for Doctor Gibb's piety,
Milligan's waistcoats in greatest variety,
Charms of George Toogood addressing the beak,
Rhet'ric of Hislop when deigning to speak.

Take of these elements all that is fusible,
Melt 'em all down in a beaker or crucible,
Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,
A typical student's the residuum.

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If you want a receipt for a Parliamentarian,
Get all the cheek of a Deakin at Home,
Good-nature of Aitken our solid old Mary Ann,
Business-like methods of Joe Ward at Rome;
The speeches of Findlay, the great after-dinner man,
Air of a Wilford addressing the Bench,
The virtues of Balfour as rendered by Bannerman,
Genius of Bonaparte leading the French;
Our Paddy O'Regan on Fisher's abilities,
Charlie H. Mills and his improbabilities,
Barber of Wellington, William of Germany,
Duthie on Finance and Roosevelt on Tammany,
Public opinion of San 'Frisco mails,
Government surpluses, Suffragette wails.

Take of these elements all that is fusible,
Melt 'em all down in a beaker or crucible,
Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,
A political man is the residuum.