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Carry on Phil [1960]
Synopsis — Act 1. Scene 1
Synopsis
Act 1. Scene 1.
We find ourselves at the opening day of the Kuri Puku A. & P. Association Annual Show. Wal and Mabel are present to conduct the official opening ceremony. During this solemn and majestic moment, a decrepit and seedy figure appears—it is our hero, Phil the Footballer returned from his fantastic successes and triumphs as a star wing-three-quarter. It is unfortunate, but at this time all the oil companies are flat broke, and none of them are able, as is the custom with star footballers of any notoriety, at all to offer him a lucrative position as either a salesman or a filling station proprietor. He is absolutely stoney, but after hearing Wal's speech about equal pay for less work, and having to build up the country's overseas funds, Phil is convinced that there is definitely an opening for him—he will organise professional football. He breaks into Wal's stirring and patriotic speech to tell the people of Kuri Puku his wonderful idea. There is great joy and celebration as Phil tells his great idea.
Opening Chorus
Oh, the squatters and the cockies are in town
Oh, the squatters and the cockies are in town
We're gonna paint the whole town red
We're never going to go to bed
Look out when country cousins come to town.
Taranaki farmers love a hooley
Taranaki farmers love a spree
Drunken shearers getting unruly
We're all having a jamboree.
Kuripuku townies fleece the hayseeds
Kuripuku townies milk them dry
Fat stock agents get the proceeds
Farmers never reason why.
I ain't seen a girl since November
My love-life's just a slowly dying ember
There ain't no fun in hosing 'round the cowshed.
What girls are like I hardly can remember.
(Sung by 4 town girls)
All the year we're lonely and neglected
But if a little stranger is expected
The gossips all go counting back to showday
It's bound to be some farmhand that's suspected.
But the townie and the farmer must be friends
Yes, the townie and the farmer should be friends
The farmer's crops to town are sent
The townie adds his ten per cent
But that's no, reason why they can't be friends
Everybody wants a celebration
Everybody wants to make whoopee
Starting off with sheer elation
Gonna have a jubilee
Kuripuku folk are all together
Revellers out for a holiday
We're all set to go forever
Here's to Kuripuku Bay!
Prospectus of Phil's Football Limited
Capital
The nominal capital of the company is Twenty Thousand Pounds (£20,000) divided into twenty thousand shares of one pound (£1) each.
Directors
Philip Andrews of Wopwopville,
Athlete,
(sole director)
The relevant articles relating to share qualification and remuneration are set out hereafter.
Auditors
Messrs. Cowan, Tright & Hope
Solicitors
Benjamin Doone.
Philip McCracken & Co.
Secretary
Jasper Group.
Objects
The company is being formed for the primary purpose of taking over New Zealand Rugby, by various methods, and developing into the largest profit-making concern in the Commonwealth outside of the Inland Revenue Department. The approval of the Capital Issues Committee is not necessary as they have been promised season tickets for the Wellington and Taranaki matches. It is expected that the company will shortly acquire property at Eden and Athletic Parks for entertainment purpose over the Christmas and Easter periods when the company's players make their world tour.
Minimum Subscriptions
The Director Accordingly Fixes the Minimum Subscriptions on which The Company May Proceed to Allotment as Twenty-Four Thousand Pounds (£24,000).
The director hopes that this amount will be sufficient to ensure large profits immediately for the director, and perhaps, some dividends later for the shareholders.
Properties to be Purchased
Preliminary agreements have already been entered into between the N.Z. Rugby Property Board and Philip McCracken as Trustee for the Company. The property at Athletic Park comprises over 11 acres and a considerable part of the property which will not be required for rugby purposes, is to be sold for building sections. No trouble is expected from the Lands and Deeds Department at the cost of a few dozen.
The consent of the Minister of Finance has been obtained to the issue of shares offered in terms of this Prospectus, but the Minister does not accept responsibility for any statements made therein either as to fact or as to prospects of the company.