The curtain rises on an Eastern market place, even though this is a Varsity Extravaganza some attempt should be made to capture the Glamour of the East. For example, the stage drapings and seta should be brightly coloured, and so as not to mislead the audience a sign should be affixed to the backcloth carrying in crazy lettering the name "Bagdad". Up stage to the audience's left is an exceedingly Eastern tower. A platform (suitable for meetings) is back centre.

The Faithful are on bended knees with arms and faces lifted towards tower. After the applause of the audience dies down (sic) the Muezzin bobs up with a strictly Aunt Daisy "Good Morning Everybody". The Faithful prostrate themselves, and at the same time a 2ZB sign on top of tower commences to flash on and off and continues until the Muezzin retires.

Muezzin

"A man is but a man e'en though
He walks in motly rags from a chain store,
Tis not the silken gown the ribald show
That counts -
A man's a man although however poor
As long as he has kept a smiling heart,
And walks along Bob Semple's better roads
With confidence because his mind is pure,
And he has two bob left to buy four more."

Now I like the thought behind that poem because even although the poems I quote may not appeal to all highbrows still I recite them because I feel that after all a man needs only a smile in his heart and a bottle of Tui in his pocket. And a smile in your heart is of course brought by Bidomak because Bidomak cures heartburn, conquers indigestion and gives that contented feeling that every man desires - 1/6 a small bottle 3/6 a large bottle and 7/6 family size - white or pink which ever you prefer. And now I'd love to play you a record - "My Canary has circles Under His Eyes" because it has a message that means something, but unfortunately my staff is along the road helping the man in the ditch.

So the man in the Ditch will be Happy and Free And I leave you to listen to 2ZB .

Enter Messtin and Spreadwell

Mess-Tin

Its disgusting Spreadwell, its disgusting

Spreadwell

Dammit, Mess-tin, its un-British bowing down to an idol even though he does get £1500 a year.

Mess-Tin

Its not everyone who's paid £1500 a year for being idle.

Spreadwell

To think of such crowds being satisfied to kneel on cold pavements and listen to this sentimental slush, when they could meet all the best people at tea at Adam Baba's garden party. Our dear leader of the Passionalists has such nice garden parties.

Mess-Tin

Who will forget those happy hours we spent at that heavenly garden party in Lake Ferry.

Spreadwell

And Takaka

Mess-Tin

And Paremata

page 2 Spreadwell

And Mangatainoka

Mess-Tin

As president of our great Passionalist party it gave me such ecstacy to see those simple country folk swallowing the free tea and our party planks.

Spreadwell

How different from my reception at the Varsity visitors' debate last year.

(Morse) Tap...Tap...Tap...

Voice

2ZB Sports Flask......By courtesy of the honorable member for Waitemata, beer will be distributed free at the nearest hostelry.

Tap...Tap...Tap...

The Crowd sits up. One of The Crowd rises and speaks in Shakespearian style.

You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things
You laggards who would wait when fair chance calls,
How long must you linger by the way
While others far less worthy than ourselves
Partake of all a kindly fortune brings
To worthy citizens of an enlightened day:
The sands of 40 hours have now run out,
And we who work our share are free to live,
Come let us quaff a tankard: shun delays,
And see what counter-lunch mine host displays.

Crowd

(In unison) We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.

2nd Citizen

(Aside to third citizen) Come on let's go like hell and beat the others.

Exit Crowd singing "Here's to good old beer

Drink it down...."

Song fades as crowd go off-stage.

Mess-Tin

(indignantly) Look at that! They're giving free beer and even worse than that, they're spending money on education.

Spreadwell

(significantly & loudly) Yes, but they haven't built a New Students' Union Building yet.

Mess-Tin

Our hopes are fading! Since this other party has educated the people we can't get away with the simple unkempt promises we used to.

Spreadwell

That's the past! what can we do in the future? It's all very well Adam Baba parading his personal charms at garden parties - that's all right for the cow cockies, they'll swallow anything - but what about the cities. Do you think the great Omay-Zingrab will find a way.

Mess-Tin

To my legal mind, it appears that we must wait for the next depression and go to the country with a daring policy of national reconstruction and retrenchment, and in the meantime we must continue our present wall-known policy.

Spreadwell

(Loud) Ah yes!. Muddlin through!!

Song - "Muddlin Through"

As song concludes orchestra plays opening bars of "The Persian Market" the two Passionalists start, walk to- page 3 wards L. A Men's burlesque eastern ballet enters to the strains of the music, and the Passionalists retreat. At the conclusion of the dance the ballet advances on Passionalists, who prove their name. This is done to soft music.

Flourish of Trumpets and Roll of Drums!

Enter Omay-Zingrab. He is a go-getter and as such will be in morning dress (Perhaps with Eastern pants) with a bowler hat and cigar. He is horrified at what he finds.

Omay

(Sternly) What are you two doing?

Mess-Tin

(nervously) Nothing! Omay-Zingrab

Omay

Nothing?

Spreadwell

Nothing yet.

Omay

(Angrily) That's the trouble with the Passionalist party they don't know how to make the most of their opportunities. I'm going to change all that. From this day forward we cease to be Passionalists and become (raising hand in Fascist salute) Fascionalists.

All

(raising hand in salute) Fascionalists.

Omay

(addressing women) Woman's place is in the home. Go to!

(Two Women detach themselves from crowd and advance sinuously upon Omay.)

1st Woman

Oh!. Ossie -

Omay

(indignantly) What do you mean - Ossie?

1st Woman

That's what they call you, don't they? Its short for Oswaldtanistle!!

(Omay breaks away and comes down stage - crafty smile appears on his face.)

Omay

(Aside) But wait - we may have use for these wencaes

(Omay goes back to women and is now affable)

Omay

Gather round girls, I have a little proposition to make to you.

Girls

All of us?

Omay

I'm talking politics

Girls

(sinking back in disappointment) Oh!

Omay

This country needs a new leader, and we have the very man - Adam Baba.

All Three

(saluting) Adam Baba.

Omay

Past governments have not realised the importance of the ladies; in Adam Baba we have a ladies man of the first water. No garden party is complete without him - he has become the hero of the Women's division - for months your country sisters have yielded to the impassioned pleadings of this Don Juan, this Cassanova, this Clark Gable of the cow cockies. Isn't he the man for you too?

page 4 Girls

And what a man.

Spreadwell

Do you know what he proposes to do?

Girls

No !

Spreadwell

He's going to take everything off women, including their wages tax.

(Cooing "Oohs" from the Girls)

Mess-Tin

Do you need your vices guaranteed?

Girls

No - we believe in living dangerously.

Omay

That's the spirit, girls, is Adam Baba your man?

Girls

You're telling us !

Omay

Right, you must form a ladies Auxiliary and elect your President right away. Your entrance fees are payable immediately. Away, and spread the news of the great Fascionalist revival meeting to be held here this evening.

(Exit Women - gaily)

(Omay, Spreadwell & Mess-Tin come together rubbing their hands with sinister laughter.)

Mess-Tin

We have the women - and I'm the words of our leader.

(Salute) where Eve is, there will Adam be also.

Omay

My dreams come true - my life's ambition - Attorney General!

Mess-Tin

And me-a judge!

Spreadwell

Oh you think so Mess-tin? There will be only one political appointment to the bench and that's going to be me.

Mess-Tin

I am a K. C., Mr. Spreadwell

Omay

Allah il Allah! We've forgotten one thing.

(Paces thoughtfully across stage.)

Both

What's that?

Omay

(Despairingly) We have nothing to tell the people.

Mess-Tin

I hadn't thought of that.

Spreadwell

We are undone!!!!!!

Omar

I have it

Both

Have what?

Omar

The solution

Both

Yes! Yes?

Omay

We can't gain the support of the people with the Fascionalist policy, but we can fool them some other way.

Both

Yes! Yes!

Omay

(in voice of triumph) They formed Unions, we'll form leagues.

page 5

(Song "Let's form a league")

Spreadwell

We've got one or two old Leagues already - the Gravy league.....

Mess-Tin

And Bill Jerry's Offence League.

Omay

And the nice Smellfare League

Spreadwell

But how do we form some more?

Omay

Since we can't use the Radio, we must use the Press - every one believes what appears in the newspapers.

Mess-Tin

Lot's start with a fleedom league

Spreadwell

What mug can we get to lead it?

Omay

Oh, Professor Growlgie from the Queen City will do that, he only gets 8 or 9 hundred a year as a University Professor.

Spreadwell

Oh, he shouldn't be hard to get.

Mess-Tin

And as a K. C. I must insist on a Constitutional League.

Spreadwell

We must be careful not to model them on the League of Nations - dammit, sir, half the blighters there are foreigners.

Mess-Tin

And a purity league

Omar

And a health League

Spreadwell

And a ship on Mount Victoria League

Mess-Tin

And a Cook Strait Swimmers League

Omar

And a keep our Pine Trees League

Spreadwell

And a drunken drivers league

Mess-Tin

And a keep to the white line league

Omar

And a 2ZB suppression league

Spreadwell

And a keep the party clean league

Mess-Tin

And a populate Somes Island League

Omar

Well there's a few to start with, we'll get plenty more.

Mess-Tin

(Jokingly) yes, 57 varieties!

Spreadwell

66 different sizes.

Omar

(In triumph) I have it - what a catch cry..........

"Adam Baba And The Forty Leagues."