page 10

Scene 3

Scene:

The political wilderness (in front of tabs) No scenery except a palm tree (optional) and a large sign-post bearing arms pointing to Prance, Germany, Russia, America, New Zealand.

Mess-Tin and Spreadwell are on stage, - very despondent.

Mess-Tin

A pretty kettle of fish this is. Before we know where we are, we'll be working for our living

Spreadwell

(Peevishly) Well, I must say, I think Adam might have come with us instead of accepting a pension from the Taranaki Women's Institute.

Mess-Tin

It's all due to this new-fangled Fascionalism of Omay-Zingrab's. The Old Policy of "Muddlin' Through" was good enough for our fathers and should be good enough for us.

Spreadwell

Well, this ought to be the finish of him, anyhow. I always thought the fellow was a bit bumptious.

Mess-Tin

I suppose he's ashamed to show his face.

(Enter Omay Zingrab. He is quite unashamed and as bumptious as ever and leads a camel - size left to discretion of producer - He might be followed by half a League laden with his personal effects topped by a miscellaneous collection of loot - tennis racquet, alarum clock, hot water bottle, camp-stool and anything ridiculous and portable that the Producer may find lying about backstage.)

Omay

(Bumptious and Oily as ever) Oh Well! Just a simple little hitch. We didn't get away with it there, but Bagdad isn't the only place in the world.

Mess-Tin

That's all very well, but we didn't go across there, you know.

Omay

(Grandiloquently) We'll find another place. All we need is to brush up the old Policy and give it a new name (meditates) Er - Fascionalist - Passionalist - Bashionalist - (breaks off) Oh! anyhow it son't be hard to think of another name something like that.

Spreadwell

It's all very well to say there's another place, but what place would you suggest?

Omay

Well, here's a sign-post, let's see what places there are (Reads) Germany, Well, now, what about Germany?

Mess-Tin

No. It wouldn't do at all! Hitler has decreed that shirts are to be two inches shorter. Think of our poor friend here. (Pointing to Half A League whose shirt is only Just adequate.

Spreadwell

We can't please everybody. What about? Russia?

Omay

Too risky. Stalin might have us purged. (This can be made more or less obvious, as reauired e.g. Garter's Little Liver Pills a la 2ZB)

Spreadwell

All right then. We'll go further afield. Suppose we try Chile? I'm sure we'd get a warm reception there.

page 11 Mess-Tin

Oh dear! Oh dear! Do hurry up and decide. If only I had my Legion of Frontiersmen here. They'd know what to do. (Proudly) Why only last week they tracked a Varsity student from the Grand to the Carlton just by his finger prints on the footpath.

Spreadwell

You're quite right Mess-Tin. We must get out of this desert (With feeling) Saharrible!

(Hoots and jeers from audience)

(When audience recovers)

No comforts, nothing I We might as well be at the end of the earth!

Omay

All right! If you want to go to the end of the earth (indicating signboard) Here's New Zealand - things can't be All Black there. In fact we'd probably do well - The popularity of the Plunkst system suggests a nation of suckers.

Spreadwell

Yes, and due to the Five Million Club, there's one born every minute.

Mess-Tin

Its going to be awkward, you know. They've got a 40 hour week there, and the people have time to think!

Omay

Oh-ho! We'll soon put a stop to that. We'll settle these Public Works Scamps, and get the Nash out of National Affairs, We'll show them that we're men of Adam's Breed. Onward! If we hurry we'll just get there in time for the elections in November!

As they set off, chorus with orchestra crash into the last two lines of God Depend New Zealand.