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Act III.

Scene: Dug-Out in Tripolitania with Candle in Bottle on

Packing Case.

Scene Opens:- Lazer, Cash and Bob (Gagged) on Stage. Lower Half of King Coal Showing in Distance. King Coal on Guard.

Cash (to Lazer):

Now Look at the hole you've got us in, Private Lazer. We're deep in the heart of cactus now. That's what comes of having a General Election.

Lazer:

How was I to know we'd get in this mess? I only brought in conscription. I didn't expect to be conscripted.

Coal Turns Round. Drops Rifle

Coal:

There's a woman outside.

Cash:

Is she my type?

Coal:

Is she your type? (Looks Out Through Binoculars) She's alive and breathing. (Coal Goes out)

Coal (Off Stage):

Are you sixteen, little girl?

Girl (Off Stage):

Yes Please.

Bob Gestures

Lazer:

Bob thinks we'd better change the guard. (Calls). Paddy.

Coal (Off Stage):

Run away little girl, run away.

Coal Enters and Salutes.

Coal:

Yes, bombardier.

Lazer:

Bob says he'll take over for a spell.

Cash:

You'd better lend Bob those binoculars.

Lazer:

Yes, the Army seems to have come into its own at last.

Coal:

You unutterable cads. I've said it before, and I say it again: [unclear: Those] binoculars belonged to (not on chest) Harry Holland. On guard for 15 minutes, and I come back to find all the rations gone.

Cash:

How'd you like a beer now, Paddy?

Coal:

Gee --- even that 2 per cent would go well now, wouldn't it?

Cash:

If you hadn't quarrelled with Muckrake, he might have won the election for us. Funny we haven't seen him since we've been over here.

page 2

Bob (Excited) Drops Rifle. Through Door Enter Serg. Muckrake.

Muckrake:

Happy in your work men?

All:

Yes, thank you, Uncle.

Muck:

Sergeant to you.

Lazer:

Congratulations on your new stripe, Unc - er - sergeant. What unit are you in now?

Muck:

I'm in the Y.M.C.A. I run the Lowry hut in Cairo.

Cash:

What brought you here?

Muck:

I just called round to see if you boys are in need of any home comforts.

Lazer:

Has my long woollen underwear arrived yet?

Muck:

It's on the bottom.

Lazer:

Ah yes, but whose?

Muck:

I mean the Red Sea, you idiot.

Coal:

Can't get me any beer, can you? Even that 2 per cent is wet.

Muck:

Sorry. But there's some very fine Horlicks at my canteen. It'll make you sleep over night.

Coal:

That stuff on leave. Who wants to sleep in these Arabian nights. We spent most of a night in the Wazir.

Lazer:

Was a good show, too.

Muck:

Well, I don't seem to be needed here. There are other friends I must help along the desert's dusty road.

(Recites):-

The soldier no matter what his rank or code,
Deserves all help we give him on his road.
And when the storms and desert sands are are blowing,
The boys are there, and there I must be going.

Isn't that a lovely thought to end up with? S'long boys.

Exits, Falling Over Lt. Lee Who Enters. All Stand and Salute.

Lee:

Stand easy men. I was in the ranks once myself. Any complaints? How do you like your new quarters? You seem very comfortable here. Any rats round here?

Lazer:

No, he's just gone on guard, sir.

Lee:

We can't have that slackness on parade, Private Lazer.

Lazer Tightens Belt.

Coal:

Is there any chance of promotion in the Army, sir? After all, I was a Union Secretary once, in 1914.

Lee:

Yes, but where were you in 1916?

page 3 Cash:

What a sell.

Coal:

You can talk.

Cash:

And I mean to. Your namby-pamby method of dealing with the miners cost us thousands of votes.

Coal:

You didn't help much, you were away all the time. A poor sort of see you were too

Cash:

I have to do all the thinking for the party, you scurrilous, schmtzel scoundrelly, schoritchel burger.

Coal:

You carping, crawling, cringing canoodleburger.

Lazer:

No, he's just a lazy, loafing, lickspitting lumberburger.

Coal:

Ah, that's right. That's the burger.

Cash Sets on Coal. Fight Between Cash, Coal, Lazer.

Lee:

What's the meaning of this? Come to attention in the presence of your superior officer,

Lazer:

(Emerging from Scrum): I'm sorry sir, I lost my temper.

Coal:

(Picking Self up, Rubs Self): I bumped my thumb. I've thumped my body all over. (To Bob) Lee Listen you, and the others here. I'm calling for volunteers for a night raid on a line of enemy pill-boxes.

Coal:

No more number nines for me.

Lees:

I want three men from this dugout.

Lazer:

First of all, we'll send old Bob. He can't say no. D'yer hear that Bob? We've volunteered for you.

Cash:

One will do, won't it sir? Bob's equal to three ordinary men.

Bob Gestures. Shakes Fist.

Lazer:

You two had better go. You're a single man, Paddy. You'd be just the man, too. Walter. You've travelled round a bit.

Cash:

I'll say. It's time I had a rest,

Lazer:

My responsibilities to the Dominion won't let me go. Otherwise I'd be among the first to offer my services.

Cash:

Little Sid Holland is Looking after those responsibilities for you now. Don't let us deprive you of your chance of glory.

Lazer:

I'm only a private. Privates never get the V. C.

Coal:

They get the V. D. through.

Lazer:

You mean the Victoria Decoration, of course.

Coal:

of course, of course.

Lee:

Let's get down to business, men. I want the names of the men who are coming with me.

page 4 Lazer:

([unclear: Hastily]) Bombardier Sample, Private Cash, Private Coal, I'll stand here and hold the fort.

Coal:

How Fortunate for you.

Lazer:

Well, that's settled then.

Lee:

Fall in, men.

Coal:

We fell in when we came over here.

Three Victims Scramble into Position.

Lazer:

(Sings)

Now is the time when I must say goodbye;
Soon you'll be marching far away with Lee.
When you are gone, then I'll remember you.
Men who stood by me, strong and staunch and true.

Coal, Cash, and Bob Sing. (Bob Assists with Actions)

To you old Pete, aloha from the bottom of our hearts;
Keep the gun at your side, and the flag flying high;
We'll all salute you as we go out to die.

All:

We'll meet again;
Don't know how, don't know when;
We all shall meet again,
Some Labour Day,
When Labour's in power.

Steps Off

Coal:

Looks Out, and Then Comes Back: There's a man out there with a moustache.

Cash:

Tell him to go away. I've got one.

Enter General Friedbread.

Fried:

What's going on around here?

All Stand at Attention.

Fried:

Haven't I seen you before somewhere? (Peers at Lazer) I've seen that face before. Isn't that Lord Humberg the Hamburg of Horsburg, the rollicking rook of the rich?

Lee:

(Clicks Heels) Oh no, sir. That's Private Lazer. A very worthy member of my platoon. His civil occupation has not altogether fitted him for a military career, but I'm knocking him into shape.

Lazer Surveys own Figure.

Fried:

Ah yes, I remember now. A politician And these were your partners in crime?

Lee:

I wasn't a party to it. I had my own party.

Fried:

Well lieutenant, I'm pleased to see that you're making soldiers from such crude material. But shouldn't one of these men be on sentry-go?

Cash:

Please sir, Bob just came into to wash his hands.

page 5 Lee:

Return to your post immediately [unclear: Bambar] and keep a sharp lookout.

Bob Salutes and Exits to Post.

Fried:

Fine body of men you have here Lieutenant.

Lee:

They've just volunteered for the dawn patrol. They're going out and they may be some time.

Fried:

Magnificent, magnificent. I'll inspect them before they go.

Lee:

In two ranks fall in.

They Clown About.

Lazer:

I'll stand in for Bob. But only for the inspection.

Friedbread Inspects Them. During Inspection Bomb Enters Shelter From Roof.

Coal:

(Nudges Cash) What's that?

Cash:

I dunno, ask Lazer.

Lazer:

I dunno, ask the General.

Coal:

Er - excuse me General, what's that?

Fried:

(Casually) That's only a bomb.

Coal, Lazer, and Cash Scramble for a Corner and Take

Friedbread and Lee with Them.

Bob, Hearing Commotion Enters, Looks Round Enquiringly. Sees Bomb, Looks at it Puzzled. Heaves it out Nonchalantly. Bomb Explodes. Bob Faints.

Fried:

(Emerging From the Heap) Magnificent courage. What devotion to duty. Lend a hand you men, help him up.

Lee:

Fall in.

Coal and Cash March Over to Bob and Raise Him. Take off His Gag.

Fried:

You shall be decorated for this.

Bob [unclear: Fills Cut] Chest.

Lazer:

Of course we will. We did remarkably for our first affray on active service.

Bob:

I'll say you were active, I made things hum, didn't I sir?

Fried:

Good show, Bob, good show, Properly at ease men. Attention!

All Stand at Attention.

Fried:

With the compliments of the season, Bob.

Takes Large Medal from Own Chest and Pins it on Bob's.

All:

Hip, hip, hip Hurrah! hip, hip, hip Hurrah!