page 8

"Olympian Nights"

Act 2.

(The curtain rises upon the Court of the Emperor Asparagus. The setting is left entirely to the discretion of the producer, but it should be striking, simple, and modernistic, resembling as closely as possible a Roman interior. The only essentials are steps back centre leading to an alcove on which stands a richly-draped divan, and plenty of cushions strewn around the stage upon which the chorus may sit. The divan is hidden by curtains drawn across the alcove. At the back of the alcove is a curtained door. The curtains in front of the alcove must be able to be drawn apart from off stage. A large notice is pinned to these curtains - "Engaged - Do Not Disturb". A Chorus of Ladies of the Court bearing flowers and Eunuchs dressed in typical Roman costume, enters, and performs a short ballet, singing the following chorus. The Eunuchs sing soprano.

Chorus - Ladies and Eunuchs

(Air - "The Woman Of The Wisest Wit" - Princess Ida.)

All
Oh, foreign princes daily bring
A hundred precious argosies;
There isn't any other king
As great as Asparagus is!

Eunuchs
We'd die for you, oh mighty king,
Of measles or pneumonia,
Or any other horrid thing -
The Eunuchs of Polonia!

All
Polonia!
Polonia!
The Eunuchs of Polonia!

To Asparagus, mighty king,
Oh let us sing - like anything!
And blow the trumpets loud and long,
And welcome him with joyous song!
To Asparagus, mighty king,
Oh let us sing - like anything!

All
Our learned king in everything
A veritable argus is;
There isn't any other king
As great as Asparagus is!

page 9

Ladies
The lilac and the rose we tiring -
The tulip and begonia;
Accept these tributes from, of king,
The ladies of Polonia!

All
Polonia!
Polonia!

The ladies of Polonia!
To Asparagus, mighty king,
Oh let us sing - like anything!
And blow the trumpets loud and long,
And welcome him with joyous song!
To Asparagus, mighty king,
Oh let us sing - like anything!

(At the conclusion of the ballet, the Chorus turn towards the alcove and raise their right arms in salute. The curtains slowly part, to disclose the Emperor Asparagus sitting on the divan, closely embracing an attractive Roman maiden. He is dressed in ornate Court dress; on his cheek is a large red lipstick mark. He looks up startled)

The Eunuch

The - the Empress is on her way here, my Lord!

Asparagus

(Visibly blanching) Zeus! (To the maiden) Scram, you! ("The maiden scrams hurriedly). Mirror someone, quick, (A Eunuch hands him a mirror) The Empress - Zeus's trowsers! (He looks in the mirror and dabs at the red mark on his cheek) That cursed girl's bitten me!

(The Emperor skips unmajestically down the steps, and comes to the front of the stage.)

Song - The Emperor Asparagus, with Chorus

(Air - "In Enterprise of Martial Kind" - The Gondoliers.)

In governing Polonia
He has no superiors;
He's cruder than Caligula,
And lewder than Tiberius.
With rapture great he'll liquidate
The enemies who nark us -
That meretricious
Superstitious
Rather vicious
Libertine -
The Emperor Asparagus!

Chorus
His enemies he'll slay, ha ha,
If they get in his way, ha ha,
That meretricious
Superstitious
Rather vicious
Libertine -
The Emperor Asparagus!

page 10

He leads his army to the war
The tumult is exciting,
But joins the general staff before
His soldiers start the fighting.
He sits behind the lines and drinks
A lot of wines and lagers
That military
necessary
Very wary -
Warrior -
The Emperor Asparagus!

Chorus
His military zest, ha ha,
Is totally non est, ha ha,
That military
necessary
Very wary
Warrior -
The Emperor Asparagus!

The maids with whom he's wont to mate
Are lovely and delightful.
Though their geography is great
Their history is frightful.
But if the Empress finds him out
The wolves will have his carcase -
That adolescent
Effervescent
Most unpleasant
Nobleman -
The Emperor Asparagus!

Chorus
She makes the king obey, ha ha,
And rules him night and day, ha ha,
That adolescent
Effervescent
Most unpleasant
Nobleman -
The Emperor Asparagus!

(Vanilla, the Empress Asparagus, sweeps in left. She is dressed in a purple toga, and is a caricature of Aunt Daisy.)

Vanilla

Good morning, everybody! Such a beautiful morning. (Malevolently, to the Emperor) Isn't it, my dear?

Asparagus

(Imitating her - meekly) Yes, my love - beautiful. But it isn't morning, my dear.

Vanilla

Every evening will feel like a morning if you take Bidomac regularly. You look pale, Asparagus. Did you have your Milo this morning? Milo - M.I.L.O. - the tonic drink? It's beautiful!

Asparagus

Yes, my love - beautiful! (Aside) Ugh!

(A clock begins to strike ten)

Vanilla

Take Milo and you'll look like Venus de Milo! There you are - it's ten o'clock. The Lloyd's chiming clock never fails. Lloyd's - L.L.O.Y.D. apostrophe S. Such a beautiful chime, isn't it? Can't you hear it striking ten - T.E.N.?

page 11

(The Minister of Eternal Affairs enters left, accompanied by Ariel).

Minister

My Lord, Ariel has an announcement to make.

Vanilla

Didn't I tell you to liquidate those fairies - with Weedex - the weed-killer which never fails?

Asparagus

(Flustered) Appollo's suspenders! The liquidation will take place shortly, my dear. Ariel has to get his "balance sheets in order first.

Ariel

Beloved Emperor, I know how you appreciate those little acts of kindness which make this life of ours run smoothly. We fairies delight in such kindnesses, and -

Asparagus

Right-oh, Ariel - we'll cut the sob-stuff. What's the matter?

Ariel

(His manner changing) We've been to the Hall of the Gods, oh Asparagus, and we have brought the Gods to life - the Gods of 2000 years hence! Bring 'em in, girls!

(The Emperor retires with the Empress to the divan. The Eunuchs are on one side of the stage and the ladies on the other. The Minister of Eternal Affairs and Ariel stand on either side of the divan. The piano plays the first few bars of the "Red Flag". Cuspidor escorts Stalinus into the room and presents him to the Emperor.)

Stalinus

Good morning, comrades. (Aside to Cuspidor) Comrade Cuspidor, I do not like Emperors!

Vanilla

You should use palmolive Shaving Cream, young man - Palmolive.

(Chloroform leads in Furius. The piano plays "Deutchsland Uber Alles")

Furius

(Saluting) Heil.

(Astoestos leads in Scipio Abyssinius. The piano plays "Giovenezza")

Scipio

(Saluting) At your service.

Vanilla

You should use Hemlock hair-restorer - Hemlock. It's beautiful.

(Edina leads in Polainus.. The piano plays "Rule Britannia").

Polainus

How d' you do?

Vanilla

I say, what a nice young man!

(Gizzard and Larynx lead in Josephus and Danarius. The piano plays ...... (topical tune).

Josephus Denarius

Gooday, pal. How goes it?

(Toothpick leads in the four Professors. The piano plays "Gaudeamus Igitur").

page 12 Professors

Good morning.

Prof. Cain

Your toga is wrong. For ceremonial occasions that fold should always be there. Don't take that down.

Prof. Frown

The Latin pronunciation in Polonia is entirely out-of-date.

Ariel

Well, my lord, are they not a promising lot?

Asparagus

Yes Ariel - always promising ..... but never fulfilling their promises. Well, gentlemen of the future - this is a very anomalous position. These fairies had no authority to bring you into existence so prematurely.

Vanilla

Now, my dear - don't be biological!

Stalinus

May I ask you if you are familiar with Marx?

Asparagus

I'm afraid not.

Vanilla

I'll have you know I'm familiar with no man!

Stalinus

Because our future plans will definitely be in accordance with Marx's writings.

Furius

They will not!

Scipio

They will definitely not!

Polainus

Really, I must object.

Stalinus

Well, whatever happens, we can't have an Emperor on the throne while we're around. It wouldn't be natural.

Asparagus

Don't you think I'm a fit person to govern Polonia? I've got an illustrious family tree, you know.

Josephus

(Rudely) Yes - I suppose you're the sap! Now then!

Asparagus

And the fairies have been very kind.

(Josephus and Denarius nudge one another and giggle).

Ariel

We love to help you on your way
And brighten up Life's fast fading day.
To stop you getting in a groove
And make the wheels of Life run much more smooth.

Isn't that a nice thought?

Asparagus

Well, gentlemen, I suppose you wish to discuss your plans for the future.

Polainus

A Conference is certainly desirable.

Asparagu

s (To the Minister) Clear the Court! The room is yours, gentlemen. I suppose it will be a somewhat lengthy Conference?

(The Minister ushers the Ladies, fairies, and eunuchs out of the room).

Scipio

Of course. And utterly useless. But we must have a conference.

Polainus

Just to keep up the old traditions.

page 13 Asparagus

Come, Vanilla, let us leave them. They're just dying to fly at each other's throats.

(Exit Asparagus and Vanilla right. The Gods arrange the cushions on the floor in two diagonal lines radiating from the centre of the stage. One cushion is placed between the two rows at the back, and on this Scipio Abyssinius sits. All the Gods sit down cross-legged on the cushions. Scipio rises)

Scipio

Gentlemen: We face a very serious crisis in the world's history, and we are gathered here to solve it. The fact that we are theoretically as yet unborn is an inssignificant fact that will certainly not deter us.

All

Hear hear! Certainly not! etc.

Scipio

Look at Polonia - a defenceless, weak State - surrounded by potential enemies straining at her boundaries - ruled by a cheap mountebank. Is it not our duty to conquer this State, to increase the territory of our nations - if only to protect it from invasion and ignominious downfall?

Furius

Heil!

Josephus

But our own nations aren't in existence yet!

Scipio

Who is this man?

Josephus

As for my voice at this Conference, John the Baptist won't be in it.

Scipio

Are we to let a slight difficulty like that deter us?

All

Never! Never!

Polainus

(Languidly) Nevah!

Scipio

Good. And now for some points on which we are all bound to agree. Firstly, we believe in international co-operation - among the well-armed nations only.

All

We do!

Scipio

Secondly, we all have due respect for force in the dealings of civilized peoples with one another.

All

We have!

Scipio

Thirdly, we believe in the sanctity of treaties and international law - when they do not interfere with the actual conduct of the well-armed nations.

All

(Except Professor Cain) We do!

Prof. Cain

Pardon me - I have a great respect for International Law and must protest strongly. Don't take that down!

Scipio

(Drawing a revolver) Shall we eliminate this subversive, radical, snake-in-the-grass?

Furius

No, Scipio. He will be useful to us when we want to condemn breaches of International Law on the part of Polonia.

All

We do!

Scipio

And lastly, we believe in peace - beautiful, ever-lasting, perpetual peace -

All

(Sighing) Ah, beautiful peace!

page 14 Scipio

Only when the well-armed nations are not quite prepared for War. Gentlemen, we are agreed?

All

We are!

Scipio

And we are agreed that Polonia must be subjugated?

All

We are!

Furius

(Rising - shouting) To maintain collective security! Heil!

Polainus

(Rising) To make the world safe for communism!

Stalinus

(Rising) To preserve the balance of power!

Scipio

To bring the delights of modern civilization to the benighted Polonians!

Denarius

To maintain peace, security and 'appiness!

Professors

(Rising) Hang the Kaiser!

All

(Except Josephus, who remains sitting) Hurrah!

Scipio

(Indicating Josephus) Our insignificant friend here does not think much of our proposals?

Josephus

(Impressively) Well, comrades, if you want my candid opinion, I've never seen such a collection of bunkum in all my life! Now then!

Scipio

For once, Josephus, you are perfectly correct.

Scipio

Gentlemen! I presume that it will be necessary for Polonia to join the League of Nations before she can by International Law be validly attacked?

Stalinus

Certainly.

Furius

Pardon me - but what is this League of Nations?

Scipio

You know - that little place at Geneva where we used to go before we got more sense.

Furius

Oh yes - we used to hold German - Italian conferences there, didn't we? It was great fun.

Josephus

I suppose, comrades, you realise that we can't take Polonia without an army. At present, we 'aven't the strength to pull a herring off a gridiron. Now then!

Scipio

Then we will raise an army - we will make the populace rebel - we will convert the people to our creed -

Denarius

Whose creed?

(There is dead silence for a moment or two )

Professors

(Together) That is the question.

Stalinus

(Rising excitedly) There can be no creed but that of the venerable Marx, as interpreted by Lenin.

Scipio

(Gesticulating ferociously) There can be no creed but that of the Fascist State! - the creed of me!

Furius

(Jumping up) There can be no creed but Nazi terrorism!

page 15 Polainus

(Rising languidly) There can be no creed but anti-Red insular conservatism!

Stalinus

Lenin!

Scipio

Me!

Furius

Me !

Polainus

(Slowly) Anit-Red insular conservatism!

Josephus

(To Denarius) Who is this Lenin?

Denarius

(To Josephus) You know - that bird who lives in a glass case in the Red Square.

Scipio

And what creed do the Ao Toheroans profess?

Josephus

Oh, we don't exactly know. We're not actually red, you know - just a bit pinkish! Now then!

Scipio

Of course, not one of you has the sense of the most unintelligent domestic animal!

Stalinus

(To Denarius) Always talking about women, isn't he?

Furius

Before we proceed further, shouldn't we have some reporters here? Our ultimatum must be presented to the Polonians as soon as possible.

Stalinus

Ariel mentioned something about some reporters, didn't he?

Denarius

Yes - a paper called "Veritas".

Josephus

Ariel called it lots of other things.

Scipio

Well, let us summons Ariel. Ariel, my dear, come!

(He claps his hands, and looks from side to side. Ariel, ungracefully flapping arms, legs, and wings, descends from the flies on the end of a thick rope, landing on top of Scipio.)

Ariel

You summoned me, and I am here -
With pleasing grace I immediately appear!
How can I help you, tell me pray,
To ease Life's hard and very stony way?

(Ariel unhooks himself. The rope slowly wriggles up out of sight.)

Isn't that a beautiful thought?

Furius

Ariel - I believe you know of some efficient reporters?

Ariel

The reporters of "Veritas" - on whom be peace? They're much too efficient.

Scipio

Could you call them in for us?

Ariel

They're bound to be about somewhere if I'm here.

(to the audience - in a stage whisper) You people say that Truth is at the bottom of a well - I wish to Heaven it was!

Furius

Where are these men?

Ariel

They are without, Furius. But I must not be here when they come. (The rope descends from the flies) I must page 16 ascend to the ethereal and empyrean heights. (He attaches the rope to himself and is raised into the air) I go! Come, Reporters of "Veritas" - on whom be peace!

(Ariel disappears into the flies. Enter a Chorus of "Veritas" reporters, to the tune of their song. They are little men, wearing black togas and bowler hats. Each has a little black Hitler moustache, and extremely furtive expression, and a large notebook and pencil. They line up in front of the Gods and sing their Chorus, doing a humourous melodramatic ballet.)

Chorus and Ballet - "Veritas" Reporters

Mr. Crawler
Our reputation's horrible
Among the upper class -
We're ostracised
If it's surmised
We work for "Veritas".

Mr. Creeper
Our reputation's horrible -
We've got a morbid streak
But learn the truth,
We're not uncouth,
But virtuous and meek!

All
We revel in divorces
And we speculate on horses,
And we love a little murder now and then;
We're most severe on vandals
And we rake up ancient scandals,
But we're really inoffensive little men!
Inoffensive little men,
Temperance supporters!
Innocent and charming folk -
"Veritas" reporters!

We diligently study
Every murder good and bloody -
(For we love a little murder now and then)
And we publish lots of trash on
What we call a "crime of passion" -
But we're really inoffensive little men!
Inoffensive little men,
Not like you have thought us!
Innocent and charming folk -
"Veritas" reporters!

A shattered reputation
Has a fatal fascination,
And we love a little murder now and then;
And we often sit and wonder
How, despite our "blood and thunder",
We remain such inoffensive little men!
Inoffensive little men,
Cast on troubled waters!
Innocent and charming folk -
"Veritas" reporters!

page 17 Furius

Gentlemen! We have summoned you here because we want you to publish our message to the Poloneys. (Impressively) We are going to subjugate Polonia!

Mr. Creeper

Oh, I wouldn't do that!

Furius

Why not?

Mr. Creeper

Polonia's a terrible place. Immoral. Corrupt. Horrible!

Mr. Crawler

The numbers of abortions is shocking.

Mr. Shuffler

And millions of copies of filthy magazines are polluting the Poloneys.

Mr. Sniffler

The Emperor's goings on are simply appalling. We make astounding disclosures about them each week.

Mr. Snuffler

Murder!

Mr. Snooper

Arson!

Mr. Creeper

Rape!

Mr. Sniffler

The most amazing and exclusive disclosures!

Mr. Snuffler

Riots!

Mr. Snooper

Communists!

Mr. Creeper

Sudden death!

Mr. Sniffler

The most illuminative and exclusive disclosures! With illustrations.

(Silence for a moment. The Reporters' manner changes).

Mr. Crawler

And yet we are proud of Polonia!

Mr. Creeper

We uphold the rights of citizens!

Mr. Snuffler

We mercilessly expose corruption and vice!

Mr. Snooper

We stand for the right, the unconquerable right!

Mr. Creeper

And we deplore the Left!

Reporters

God save the King!

Scipio

Gentlemen, please be seated. The Conference must go on!

(The "Veritas" reporters draw cushions up, sitting cross-legged in a row behind the Gods, their pencils poised above their open notebooks)

We had reached the stage, gentlemen, when we were discussing whose creed would be preached to the proposed rebel Poloneys. I suppose we are agreed, however, that the monarchy is to be abolished?

Stalinus

Assuredly!

Furius

Positively!

Josephus Denarius

Too right!

page 18 Polainus

We English have no difficulty whatsoever in removing our kings if we don't like them.

Furius

And we are agreed that all who oppose us shall be mercilessly slain, whatever their age or sex?

Mr. Crawler

(To the reporters) Sex, boys!

Reporters

(Scribbling furiously) Sex!

Gods

We are agreed, Furius!

Josephus

But, comrades, it doesn't look as if we'll get far at this rate. We've got to get an army - and money to run it with.

Josephus Denarius

Now then!

Stalinus

And you can't get blood out of a stone.

Denarius

No, comrades - but you can have a bloody good try! I've tried!

Josephus

Why not form a coalition?

Scipio

(Shocked) It's unprecedented!

Furius

(Also shocked) Unheard of!

Stalinus

(More shocked) Impossible!

Josephus

(Rebelliously) Well, I think it's a damn good idea! Now then!

Scipio

Wait a minute! There may be something in this. Why shouldn't we make a Pact?

Furius

Of course, there will have to be a clause providing that we may disregard the Pact at any time.

Scipio

That's understood, of course.

Stalinus

There is a provision to that effect implied in every modern Pact.

Polainus

Certainly! That's what is known as a gentlemen's agreement.

Scipio

(Suddenly) But another question arises - an insuperable question!

Josephus

(Vulgarly) What's biting you, comrade?

Scipio

(Impressively) What colour shirts will we and our army wear?

Professors

That is the question!

Stalinus

Red, of course. It's the only logical colour.

Furius

Brown, or I withdraw from the Pact.

Scipio

Black, or the negotiations are at an end.

Stalinus

Red!

Furius

Brown!

Scipio

Black!

page 19 Polainus

We English scorn all shirts! It is unsafe to wear a shirt at all in England!

(Polainus opens his vest, disclosing that his magnificant shirt front is a mere dickey - the rest being bare flesh).

Scipio

(To the Professors) And what do you gentlemen think?

Professors

(Together) We refuse to attempt to grapple with any modern problem.

Scipio

(To Josephus) And you, Josephus?

Josephus

Well, Scipio old bean, all the people in Ao Toheroa have lost their shirts. I suggest that we don't wear any shirts at all!

Professors

(Together) That would be indecent!

Scipio

A splendid idea! The United No-shirts - that's what we'll call ourselves!

All

The United No-shirts!

(The Gods remove their shirts. Furius has a large swastika tattooed on his chest, Scipio the Roman Fasces, and Stalinus the Hammer and Sickle. The "Veritas" reporters jump up and watch open-mouthed)

Mr. Crawler

Boys! Get a special edition out at once!

Mr. Creeper

With huge headlines!

Mr. Crawler

Astounding disclosures!

Mr. Creeper

Exclusive reports !

Mr. Crawler

"The Gods go Nudist!"

Mr. Creeper

"Nudist Colony Formed at Palace!"

Mr. Crawler

Disgusting orgies!

Mr. Creeper

"Olympian Nudists' First Meeting".

Mr. Crawler

Away, boys!

Reporters

Away!

(The "Veritas" reporters rush off left, scribbling furiously as they go.)

Furius

Well, having laid out a plan, what's the next step?

Denarius

To lay out the Emperor!

Furius

Good. I suppose the old gentleman has gone to bed. Does he sleep alone?

Stalinus

I doubt it very much, knowing Emperors.

Polainus

The reporters of "Veritas" would doubtless be able to give you complete and exclusive information.

Denarius

With illustrations.

Scipio

His bedroom is through those curtains there.

(He opens the curtains, disclosing the divan and the curtained door at the back).

page 20 Furius

The Empress is going to be hard to deal with. It's my opinion she wasn't born, but quarried!

(The Princess Citronella Asparagus, a beautiful Roman girl dressed in a ravishing nightdress, has come through the curtained door behind the divan, and watches the argument in an amused manner. When the Gods see her, they are somewhat staggered at her beauty.)

Citronella

May I be of any assistance?

Furius

Heil! Who are you, fair Polonsy?

Prof. Cain

Don't - don't take those down!

Citronella

I am Citronella, the Princess Asparagus.

Scipio

(In a stage whisper) Do you realise that we shall have to pass this lady before we can get at the Emperor?

Polainus

Can't we attack her and place her hors de combat?

Furius

Never! We could not descend to such violence - to a lady!

Denarius

We'll 'ave to putt 'er out of the way some'ow.

Josephus

I know! Let's put 'er to sleep. Now then!

Furius

Brilliant! But how?

Josephus

Someone shall sing her a lullaby.

Scipio

But who can do it? I am used to patting little children on the head, but lullabies aren't included in a Dictator's repertoire.

Stalinus

I shall try, then.

(He diffidently approaches the Princess, who is lounging on the divan smiling broadly. Stalinus sings the following, to the tune of "Alabama Coon", in a guttural and totally unmusical voice).

Go to sleep, my little Bolshie baby,
Trotsky will attack you if you don't,
Hushaby, Lullaby, little Bolshie baby, -

(The Princess gives a loud guffaw)

Please don't laugh! This is extremely serious!

Citronella

That's just the funniest thing about you all - your intense seriousness.

Josephus

Let me try. Now then!

(He sings)

Hush-a-by baby, on the tree top,
When we're in power your finances will rock,
But if we go out, and Adam gets in -

(The Princess again guffaws)

It's hopeless, comrades.

Citronella

Couldn't I sing the lullaby for you.

Furius

That's a splendid idea!

Scipio

That'll save us the trouble. Go ahead, Citronella.

page 21

Song - Citronella

(Air - "Silent Night").

Go to sleep!
Go to sleep!
Dream, my pretty ones, sleep, oh sleep!
Dream of your rifles and swords - they will rust;
Dream of your empires - they'll crumble to dust;
Dream of your greed and your lust - oh,
Sleep my pretty ones, sleep!

(During this verse, the Gods sit down on their cushions, begin to nod their heads sleepily, and rub their eyes. As Citronella sings the next verse, they gradually lie down, resting their heads on each others' anatomies. At the end of the verse, they are all fast asleep, breathing heavily and rhythmically.)

Go to sleep!
Go to sleep!
Dream, my pretty ones, sleep, oh sleep!
Dream of your conquests, the battles you've won;
Dream of your own little "place in the sun";
Dream of the murder you've done - oh,
Sleep my pretty ones, sleep!

(The Empress and the Emperor come out through the centre door. The Princess looks at them, and lays her finger on her lips. The three look at the sleeping Gods, and suddenly burst into silent laughter.)