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Olympian Nights [1938]

"Olympian Nights". — Act III

page 22

"Olympian Nights".

Act III.

(The curtain rises to disclose the Gods slumbering peacefully in the attitudes taken at the close of Act II. A cock crows. The orchestra strikes up very softly the air of the "Veritas" reporter's chorus. The "Veritas" reporters enter left melodramatically in single file, on tip toe, and in time to the music. The foremost carries a large camera and tripod, which he sets up on the stage facing the sleeping Gods. The other reporters cluster round excitedly. The bulb is squeezed).

Mr. Shuffler

(in a very loud whisper) Alter the headlines, boys!

Mr. Crawler

"Gods' Midnight Orgy".

Mr. Creeper

"Nudists Sleep After Ail-Night Debauch".

Mr. Snooper

Exclusive photographs.

Mr. Sniffler

Intimate photographs.!

Mr. Snuffler

Away, boys!

Reporters

Away!

(The Reporters form up in single file, and, to the tune of their Chorus played very softly, commence to walk out melodramatically. The Emperor, the Empress and Citronella enter right. The "Veritas" Reporters stop suddenly in their tracks).

Vanilla

Good morning, everybody! Such a nice morning!

Reporters

Good morning, Vanilla.

Vanilla

Have you had your Milo this morning?

Reporters

We have, Vanilla.

Vanilla

And have you washed with Lifebuoy this morning?

Reporters

We have, Vanilla.

Asparagus

(To the ..Reporters) But what are you boys doing here?

Mr. Crawler

Photographing the Gods, Asparagus.

Mr. Creeper

To incorporate in our special edition, Asparagus.

Asparagus

Venus's undies! You can't do that.

Citronella

Certainly not!

Asparagus

Such a thing would lower the prestige of the monarchy.

(The Reporters all produce red spotted handkerchiefs from their pockets, and weep bitterly).

Mr. Crawler

(Weeping) It was going to be such a lovely article.

Mr. Creeper

(Weeping) So beautifully intimate.

Asparagus

Well, I'll compromise. I'll tell you a real life story that you can print instead. You'll love it.

page 23 Mr. Creeper

Is - is it intimat e?

Asparagus

Listen, and you'll see!

(Asparagus comes to the front of the stage. The "Veritas" re-porters move to the extreme right where they stand with pencils and notebooks poised. Vanilla and Citronella stand on the extreme left. As Asparagus begins to sing, the Gods wake up and join in the Chorus. During the Chorus the Ladies of the Court enter, and standing behind Asparagus, perform a tap ballet.)

Song - Asparagus With Chorus

"Rollo the Ravaging Roman".
She was a sweet little woiking goil
Who lived in a house by the Tiber;
She was so innocent, pretty, and pure,
I'm quite at a loss to describe her.
But she met, at a gladiatorial show,
A handsome young Roman - and how could she know

Chorus.
That he was a villain, a bounder, a cad,
He couldn't recall all the wives that he'd had,
And dozens of kiddies all called him their Dad -
He was Rollo, the Ravaging Roman.

He took this sweet little woiking goil,
Home when the combat was over.
He told her he lerved her - she said "Get away!"
But she fell for the wicked young rover.
He swore that he'd die if they ever should part -
For years he had known this effusion by heart!

Chorus
For he was a villain, etc.,

He took this sweet little woiking goil,
Woiking one night by the Tiber -
He said "Won't you lerve me - oh won't you be mine."
With kisses attempting to bribe her.
She said "Show me how!" - he responded "O.K.",
And proceeded to show her the Appian Way!

Chorus
For he was a villain, etc.,

He asked this sweet little woiking goil
To come round one night to his villa;
He kissed and caressed her, and whispered his lerv,
And with liquor proceeded to fill her.
She fainted at last, overcome by the brew,
But when he retired, the young lady come to!

Chorus
For he was a villain, etc.

He told this sweet little woiking goil
To go to the Wars he must leave her,
But instead he repaired to a mistress in France,
And thence to a wife in Geneva!
She waited for years, in her sorrow and shime,
With her poor little baby what hadn't a nime!

page 24

Chorus
For he was a villain, etc.,

(Very slow)

They took this sweet little woiking goil,
And buried her close by the Tiber,
In her coffin she looked so appealing and pure,
I'm quite at a loss to describe her!

(Fast again)

She rested in peace - but the baby she had
Turned out in the end even worse than his Dad!

Chorus.
For he was a villain, etc.,

(During the last chorus, the Ladies of the Court and the "Veritas" reporters dance out. The Gods group themselves into a semi-circle at the left of the stage; Asparagus, Vanilla and Citronella watch them from the right.

Asparagus

Do you Gods wish to continue your Conference? If so, my state room is at your service.

Scipio

Thank you. Where is it?

Asparagus

First turning to the left.

Josephus

O.K. boys - let's go!

(The Gods exit left.)

Vanilla

(calling as they go) I'll send you some Milo for break-fast It's beautiful!

(Enter the Minister of Eternal Affairs, right).

Asparagus

This is getting serious, Vanilla. These Gods will have to be eliminated.

Vanilla

Use Flit. - F.L.I.T. - it kills all insects and parasites.

Asparagus

No, my dear. It's not as simple as that. These Gods are really unborn yet - they're alive two thousand years before their time. They can't be killed by ordinary weapons.

Citronella

Well, what are we going to do?

Asparagus

The only thing is to persuada them to go back to their pedestals voluntarily.

Citronella

But they won't do that! Take Polainus, for instance. Now there -

(Ariel's voice comes from above, and he swims down through the air on the end of his rope).

Ariel

If you get to know a fellow, and you understand his ways,
And you do him little kindnesses, you'll find it always pays.

Asparagus

Splendid sentiment, Ariel - but what bearing has it on the present problem?

page 25 Ariel

Just bring Polainus in and I'll show you.

(He begins to ascend to the flies).

Asparagus

(To the Minister) Go and get him.

(The Minister exits left).

Ariel

If you bring Polainus in, my little scheme I'll try -
For Polainus cannot exist without his Old School Tie!

(Ariel disappears into the flies)

Vanilla

I say, what Is Ariel burbling about?

Aspanagus

Apparently he's got some plan to make Polainus go back to his pedestal voluntarily.

Citronella

Shh! Here he is!

(Enter Polainus, accompanied by the Minister. Polainus is shirtless, but his Old School Tie is tied round his bare neck).

Polainus

(Horribly Oxford) You wish to see me?

Asparagus

(Confused - looking upwards) I - well - that is to say -

(Ariel swoops down from the flies, removes Polainus' Old School Tie in the twinkling of an eye, gives a demonaic laugh and-dis-appears upwards).

Polainus

(Looking upwards) I say, you cad! (Pause) I say, damn it all, this isn't cricket, you know. (Pause) What am I going to do? I say, you bounder, bring my tie back! (Bursting into tears) Oh, where shall I find another?

Asparagus

Not in Polonia, I'm afraid.

Polainus

(Weeping bitterly) Life is impossible without my OldSchool Tie. I must go back - back to lifeless stone.

(Gizzard flies in from the wings, landing with a bump on the stage).

Gizzard

May I escort you? Come!

(Exit Gizzard and Polainus, right).

Vanilla

That young man needed some Clement's Tonic - Clement's!

Asparagus

Well, that's one.

Vanilla

It's got phosphorus in it - phosphorus - builds up your bones and teeth.

Asparagus

But what about the others?

Vanilla

And the vitamins - yes - the vitamins - they're beautiful!

(Enter left, en masse, Furius, Scipio, Josephus and Denarius and Stalinus).

Scipio

Sir! The Conference has reached unanimity!

Asparagus

Marvellous!

Furius

We have decided that the Royal Family must be destroyed.

page 26 Asparagus

(Bored) Zeus's combinations! You amaze me!

Stalinus

But we do not want to destroy Citronella.

Gods

(Together - appealingly to Citronella) Because - we lerv you!

Josephus

And the only way out of the dilemna is for you to marry one of us.

Citronella

But what about the Professors? They're nice clean old gentlemen.

Scipio

Realising their impotence, the Professors have formed a non-intervention Committee.

Furius

Which means, of course, that they'll intervene as soon as possible.

Asparagus

(To Vanilla) Well, my dear, as these gentleman seem to be about to make a collective proposal to our daughter, we had better retire.

Vanilla

(Going) And if she refuses you, don't forget that Lifebuoy often restores a shattered romance.

(Asparagus, Vanilla, and the Minister exit right).

Sextette - Furius, Scipio, Josephus, Denarius, Stalinus and Citronella

"If You Will Marry Me"

Air - "When I Go Out Of Door" - Patience -

(Note:During each verse of this song the particular God who is singing dances with Citronella. During the chorus, the other Gods dance together hand in hand, very despondently).

Scipio
If you will marry me,
We'll go across the sea -
Where even the rashest
Speak well of a Fascist,
In beautiful Italy.

We'll train the soldiery,
And give them guns at three;
And sooner or later,
Though I'm a dictator,
I know you'll dictate to me!

Chorus
If you will marry me,
We'll found a family tree.
When all we are doing
Is billing and cooing
How wonderful it will be!

Josephus and Denarius
If you will marry me,
How lovely it will be!
We'll travel to my land -
A nice little island -
A jewel in the Southern Sea!

page 27

In Ao Toheroa
We'll chase the wily moa,
We'll live with the Maoris,
And hunt in the kauris,
And follow the kiwi's spoor!

Chorus
If you will marry me, etc.

Stalinus.
If you will marry me,
How happy we will be!
You're worth any ten in
The country of Lenin,
Oh, flower of the bourgeoisie!

The Kremlin we will view,
The Volgar boatmen too
We'll put on the spot sky The traitorous Trotsky
By means of the G.P.U.

Chorus
If you will marry me, etc.

Furius
If you will marry me,
We'll go to Germany.
It will not be boring
For Goebbels and Goering
Can govern instead of me!

And we will blast the hopes
Of Doctor Marie Stopes -
We'll build lots of spacious
And well-equipped creches
On Berchtesgaden's slopes!

Chorus
If you will marry me, etc.

Citronella

Well, gentlemen, I'm overwhelmed by all these proposals. But you see - I am betrothed!

Gods

Betrothed! Oh, horror!

Citronella

To Ariel!

Scipio

But isn't Ariel a female fairy?

Citronella

Being a fairy, Ariel can assume either sex at will.

Josephus

How extremely convenient!

Scipi

o This development needs further consideration. Come!

Gods.

Come!

(The Gods exit left. Asparagus and the Minister enter right).

Asparagus

(To the Minister) You go and fetch them - and I'll deal with them.

(The Minister exits left).

page 28 Citronella

Well, I refused them all. They were simply heartbroken!

Asparagus

Splendid! And I've got a little scheme I'm going to try on the Ao Toheroans.

Citronella

To turn them back to statues?

Asparagus

Exactly! But here they are!

(Josephus and Denarius enter, accompanied by the Minister).

Josephus Denarius

Gooday, comrade. What's biting you?

Asparagus

Gentlemen. I have a very unpleasant duty to perform. I have to tell you one of the most important facts of life.

Josephus

(To Denarius) We know most of them, don't we?

Asparagus

Ah, but this is very delicate and difficult. Have you ever thought of how a birdie comes into the world?

Josephus

Go on - tell us about bees and pollen now!

Asparagus

Or how a litter of puppies is born?

Denarius

Well, we have a vague idea.

Asparagus

Good - I will go even further. You know, those stories about storks and gooseberry bushes aren't really true.

Josephus

Go on!

Asparagus

You are sure you can bear this revelation?

Denarius

Go ahead - we can take it.

Asparagus

(Dramatically) Very well then. Gentlemen - there is no Santa Claus!

(Josephus and Denarius give a wail of anguish and cling to one another for support).

Josephus

(Sobbing) My childhood dream is shattered!

Denarius

(Sobbing) My faith in human nature is destroyed!

Josephus

Life is impossible when such a cherished belief is shown to be an illusion!

Denarius

Let us go back - back to lifeless stone!

(Larynx and Asbestos fly in, one on each side of the stage, landing with a bump on the stage).

Larynx Asbestos

May we escort you? Come!

(Larynx, Asbestos, Josephus and Denarius exit right).

Asparagus

(Wiping his brow) That's three! And now for Furius. Ariel - Ariel - where are you?

(He gazes up into the flies. Ariel enters unexpectedly, left from the wings).

Oh, there you are. Can you suggest anything for getting rid of Furius?

page 29 Ariel

I shall weave a subtle spell - a terrible spell.

Asparagu

s Is it guaranteed to do the trick?

Ariel

Certainly. Just watch!

(Ariel dances clumsily, repeating the Fairies' chant of Act I. At the end cymbals clash violently)

Pons asinorurm!
Riddle-me-ree!
Hey cockalorum!
Mother Machree!
Fried fish and chips!
Sapientia magis!
Abracadabra!
Home brew and Scotch haggis!

(The rope descends and Ariel attaches himself to it)

Asparagus

(After a pause) Nothing's happened!

Ariel

Just go and apply your eye to the keyhole of your state room, Asparagus, and see whether anything's happened.

Asparagus

I can't do that - I'm a king, not a commoner.

Ariel

Anybody could see just by looking at you that you couldn't be any commoner!

Asparagus

Bah! (To the Minister) Come!

(They exit left. Citronella and Ariel remain).

Ariel

My loved one!

Citronella

(Rushing to his arms) My precious! We are alone. (Pause) But are we alone? Where are the reporters from "Veritas" -

Ariel

(Hastily) On whom be peace? (Melodramatically) Ha ha! I put Epsom salts in their morning tea!

Citronella

My precious! How cute!

Ariel

. My loved one!

(They commence a languorous embrace, during which Ariel's rope is raised slowly, so that at the end of the kiss Ariel is right up in the air. They disengage themselves, and Ariel floats down to the stage)

Duet - Ariel And Citronella

"The Rule of Three"

Ariel
I'm a seeker after truth -
(And "Truth" seeks after me! ).
I search for Light
With phrases trite,
And bad philosophy!
I'm not an Einstein or a Planck,
But wooden as can be -
Yet one mistake
These Scholars make
Is very plain to see -

page 30

Chorus - Ariel
One and one make two, they say,
But when you marry me,
A year or so
Will plainly show
That one and one make three!
When birdies mate
They soon make eight,
And bunnies even more -
But we'll have fun
If one and one
Add up to three - or four!

Citronella
Mathematics is a bore -
It's much too deep for me!
I was at school
An utter fool
At plane geometry!
At Euclid I was hopeless, but,
One thing is clear to me -
That there's one rule
Hot taught at school,
And that's the Rule of Three!

Chorus - Citronella
One and one make two, etc.

Chorus - Ariel and Citronella
One and one make two, etc.

(At the conclusion of the song, Furius, still shirtless, comes rushing in, followed closely by Asparagus, the Minister and Vanilla. Furius' nose has grown considerably, and his appearance is very Jewish. His voice is also Semitic).

Furius

(Auguished) Vot is the matter with my nose? Vot have you done to my nose?

Asparagus

(Aside to Vanilla) Zeus's nightshirt! Ariel's turned him into a Jew!

Furius

(Over-hearing - his voice rising) Vot did you say? A Jew? I am not a Jew! I hate Jews! (He feels his nose) I von't be a Jew - I von't! (He feels it again) But I am - I am! (Pause; he chuckles) Did you hear the story of Abe and Ikey? Ikey met Abe one day - Oh! (He gives a howl of anguish) I cannot under-stand it! I cannot stand it! I must go back - back to lifeless stone!

(Cuspidor flies in left, landing with a bump on the stage).

Cuspidor

May I escort you? Come!

(Furius and Cuspidor exit right)

Asparagus

That's four!

Citronella

And now there's Stalinus and Scipio. They're going to be very difficult.

Asparagus

Very difficult indeed - I think you'd better leave them to me.

page 31 Citronella

(Anxiously) Don't do anything wrong, Daddy, will you?

Asparagus

A King can do no wrong, my dear.

Vanilla

No? (Meaningly) But I've got an idea you've tried a few times.

(Exit Vanilla, the Minister and Citronella right. Ariel disappears into the flies. Asparagus retires to the divan. Stalinus and Scipio rush in left with drawn swords, and stand one on each side of the divan, one foot on the bottom step, and with their swords pointing at Asparagus).

Scipio

This is the end, Asparagus.

Stalinus

You're going to die, Asparagus.

Asparagus

(bored) So it appears. Well, get it over. (Pause - nothing happens) Shall I tell you why you won't strike? Because you're afraid - terribly afraid of one another.

Scipio

That nonsense won't get you anywhere.

Asparagus

You lie in your teeth!

Stalinus

False!

Asparagus

Undoubtedly, but you still lie in them!

Asparagus

You see - if I die, which of you is going to rule Polonia?

Stalinus

We have entered into a Pact - a gentlemen's agreement .

Asparagus

Don't make me laugh. Pacts aren't proof against undying hatred. You know that you can't bear the sight of one another and that you cannot exist together.

Scipio

(Blustering) Cold steel might make you see sense.

Asparagus

Each of you, in your own petty little way, trying to impose your will on the world - you (to Scipio) with castor oil and clubs - you (to Stalinus) with famine and revolution - Venus's vest! It's funny! And your world thinks that it's got to choose between you. Why should it?

Stalinus

The man's nuts!

Asparagus

The fault isn't really in your miserable little systems - but in you and the millions you will sway. But those systems can't co-exist - can they, Stalinus?

Stalinus

(Menacingly to Scipio) No, Scipio, they cannot.

Scipio

You're right, they cannot!

(The two Gods turn their swords from Asparagus., and, after a preliminary flourish, thrust them into each other's bodies. The Gods, however, do not fall)

Asparagus

Death won't solve your problems this time, clever ones! You're not born yet - you can't kill one another.

Stalinus

(Desperately) But what are we to do?

Scipio

We cannot both live.

Asparagus

Well, gentlemen - there are your pedestals in the Hall of the Gods -

page 32 Stalinus

(In complete despair) There's nothing we can do. We must go back - back to lifeless stone.

(Edina and Toothpick fly down, landing with a bump on each side of the stage).

Edina)

May we escort you? Come!

Toothpick)

May we escort you? Come!

(Edina and Toothpick take their arms, and lead Stalinus and Scipio, with bowed heads and in utter despair, out right. Vanilla, Citronella and the Minister enter left)

Asparagus

(Wiping his brow) Well, it's all right. They're gone.

Vanilla

You look pale, my dear - have an Aspro - A.S.P.R.O. - yes, they're beautiful!

(She gives him one. He throws it over his shoulder when she is not looking and pretends to be swallowing it when she looks back).

Asparagus

(Triumphantly) The Gods have gone back! Polonia is free!

(The orchestra strikes up suddenly the air of the Final Chorus. The Ladies of the Court dance in left, and the Eunuchs right. Ariel descends from the flies into Citronella's arms. Asparagus retires to the divan. The "Veritas" reporters dance in melodramatically, left, with their notebooks and pencils waving. Tableau. The orchestra quietens a little)

Asparagus

(Rising) Poloneys! Your country is free! (Pause - then suddenly) Bacchus's braces!

Ariel

What is it, Asparagus?

Asparagus

I've forgotten all about the Professors! They're still here!

Ariel

Oh, Asparagus, do not fear!

(Calling) Come girls - bring the Professors here!

(Enter the Fairies, left, leading the four Professors. The Professors have turned into Fairies - they wear diaphanous draperies and brassieres, but they still have their long beards. They attempt clumsily to dance. Tableau).

Final Chorus

(To be written as near as possible to date of production to the tune of the latest dance hit.

Curtain.