A Plea of Insanity.

Judge (to prisoner): “You are found guilty of meeting the plaintiff in a lonely street, knocking him down, and robbing him of everything except a gold watch which he had with him. What have you to say?”

Prisoner: “Had he a gold watch, my lord, with him at the time?”

Judge: “Certainly.”

Prisoner: “Then, I put in a plea of insanity.”

* * *

Shunting Problems.
Lorry Driver (to small-car owner who is slightly disorganising the traffic): “Why don't yer bring yer own backyard to turn in?” (Adapted from “Safety First,” London).

The Quick And The Dead.

“Explain,” said the teacher to the class, “the difference between ‘The quick’ and ‘The Dead.’”

“Please, ma'm,” answered Johnnie, “the quick is them as gets out of the way of motor cars, and the dead is them that doesn't.”

* * *

Mixed Metaphors.

This is how a politician got rather mixed just after an election: “Gentlemen, the renown of this glorious victory will re-echo in golden letters through the corridors of rivers of time.”

* * *

Logic.

What relation is a loaf of bread to a steam engine? Bread is a necessity. A steam engine is an invention. Necessity is the mother of invention; therefore a loaf of bread is the mother of a steam engine.

* * *

The Tyranny of Fashion.

He had a necktie that you wouldn't be caught wearing at twelve o'clock at night at the bottom of a coal mine during a total eclipse of the moon.

* * *

The Right Spirit.

Scots Lad (to grocer who had just opened new shop): “Could ye gie me twa fardins for a ha'penny?”

Grocer (to assistants): “Coats off, gentlemen, business has begun.”

* * *

A Brief Introduction.

Dr. Joseph Parker, introducing lecturer:

“Having such a man as Mr.-to lecture to us, it is only necessary for me to say, ‘Loose him, and let him go.’”

* * *

An Acquired Strain.

Admiral Jellicoe of Jutland fame, praising the valor and chivalry of the Maori as a fighting man, relates that he once commended a Maori chief for a singularly chivalrous act during a battle.

“Oh, that's all right,” the chief assured the Admiral, adding, “I've Scottish blood in my veins.”

Pressed to explain the genealogy, the warrior said:

“Well, you see, my grandfather ate a Scotch Presbyterian minister.”