Cutting Down Expenses.

“Maggie,” said Angus to his wife, “here's a ticket for to-night's conjuring show, and when the conjurer comes to that part where he takes a teaspoonful o'flour and one egg and makes twenty omelettes, watch verra, verra close.”

* * *

The Thoughtful Batman.

Officer (of territorials in camp): Didn't I tell you to wake me at six? And now it is half-past.

Batman: Beg pardon, captain; when I came to your tent at six o'clock to wake you up, you called out in your sleep “Waiter, another bottle of champagne!” So I thought what a pity it would be to wake you up before you had finished the bottle.

* * *

Her Opportunity.

Old Lady (giving tramp a penny): Here you are, but I am not giving you this because I think you need it. I do it simply because it pleases me to do so.

Tramp: Then why don't you make it a bob, ma'am, and have the time of yer life?

* * *

A Fish Story.

“Willie! Willie!”

“Huh, Ma.”

“Are you spitting in the fishbowl again?”

“No, but I been coming pretty close.”

* * *

How Wars Begin.

A youngster asked his father how wars began. “Well,” said his father, “suppose America quarrelled with England, and—“ “But,” interrupted the mother, “America must not quarrel with England.” “I know,” he answered, “but I am taking a hypothetical instance.” “You are misleading the child,” said the mother. “No I am not,” he answered. “Yes, you are.” “I tell you I am not! It's outrageous—.” “All right, Dad,” said the boy. “Don't get excited. I think I know how wars begin.”

A Warning.

He was an actor of the old school inspecting his provincial “diggings.” With regal air he surveyed the bedroom, and noted the absence of a washstand. In dignified tones he enquired of the landlady:

“And where do I perform my ablutions?”

“If it's a new trick,” replied the lady, sharply, “you'll do it at the theatre, and not here. I had two chairs busted by a blooming acrobat last week!”

* * *

Trials of a Tramp.

He was a seedy-looking tramp, and he was working the “pity-the-old-sailor” dodge.

He called at a likely house along the road.

“Could you do something for a poor old sailor, mum?” he asked, as a scurfaced woman opened the door.

The woman eyed him suspiciously. “Poor old sailor?” she echoed.

“Yes, mum,” replied the tramp.

“Nigh on 40 years I followed the water.”

“Well,” replied the sour-faced female, as she slammed the door in his face, “it's a pity you didn't overtake it!”

(Courtesy Great Western Railway.)
The Railways solve the flood problem.

Scotch Joke, No. 7,991,743.

And there was the Scotsman who bought only one spur. He figured that if one side of the horse went the other was sure to follow.

* * *

Proved by Results.

Lady to window-cleaner: “Will you have a cup of tea or a glass of beer?”

Window-cleaner: “Beer's best, mum. I finds it gives a better polish when I breathes on the glass.”

* * *

Critical.

Prison Governor: “C26 troublesome again, Padre? What ails him now?”

The Padre: He complains about the choir's singing. Says that wasn't included in his sentence.”

* * *

Boys Will Be Boys.

A small boy called on the doctor and said: “I've got the measles, doctor, but I can keep it quiet.”

The doctor locked up, puzzled, and asked the boy what he meant.

“Oh!” suggested the boy, “what'll you give me to go to school and scatter it among all the kids.”

* * *

More Correct.

Teacher: “I should like you all to take more pride in your personal appearance. Now, you, Jimmy! How many collars do you wear a week?”

Jimmy: “Please, miss, do you mean how many weeks do I wear a collar?”

* * *

Unsurmountable Obstacle.

Abie (finishing a letter): “And I would send you that five I owe you, but I've already sealed the letter.”

* * *

Her “Declining” Years.

Molly: You may not believe it, my dear, but during the past month I have said “No!” to about a dozen men.

Polly: Really? Those hawkers are a nuisance, aren't they?.