A Cheap Service.

Johnny had been fighting again.

“Yes, mother,” he admitted, “I have been fighting. But I did it to save you money.”

“What on earth do you mean?”

“Well, you know that it would have cost you at least half-a-crown to have had that decayed tooth drawn, and I've had it knocked out by Billy Corker for nothing.”

* * *

All Aboard!

Tourist (visiting country town): “Sir, may I ask what your pursuit in life is?”

Resident (whose business is in the city): “Certainly, sir; the eight-thirty train in the morning and the six-thirty at night!”

* * *

The Second Course.

Diner: “For a spring chicken this is pretty tough.”

Waiter: “Well, sir, you know we've had a pretty tough spring.”

* * *

Bang Went Saxpence.

The scene was the bar of the village inn.

Mr. Hayseed: “Wot be th' matter wi' ode Garge? 'E do look glum.”

Mr. Smart: “He's got fluid on th' knees.”

Mr. Hayseed: “'Ow 'as 'e got that?”

Mr. Smart: “Somebody's knocked his beer over on to them.”

* * *

Ready for Action.

“Waiter, bring me a chop, please, rather well done. Look sharp; I'm in a hurry.”

“Very sorry, sir, but we haven't a chop in the house to-day.”

“Well, then, I'll have a steak.”

“Just as bad as before, sir, for we haven't a steak left.”

“Oh, well, what joints have you?”

“None sir.”

“Wha-a-t! No chops, no steaks, no joints? What have you got then?”

“Got the bailiffs in, unfortunately.”

“Bailiffs, eh?” (sharpening his knife on his fork). “Well bring in a bailiff!”

One Every Minute.

“What makes you think she doesn't like you?”

“She told me she thought there was a fool in every family.”

“Well, what of that?”

“I had told her a few minutes before that I was an only child.”

* * *

Signals Mixed.

“Say, Mose, how came yo' is so banged up?”

“I wuz talkin' when Ah should have been list'ning.”

After The Holidays.
“Oh, yes; except for the little incident with the car, we had a wonderful journey.”

Making Sure.

Butler: “His lordship says he is going for a holiday, and wishes me to send on his drawing materials.”

Her Ladyship: “Well, that's plain enough, isn't it?”

Butler: “Well, I don't know whether he means his paints or corkscrews.”

* * *

Laugh and Grow Fit.

Sir Charles Wilson, Dean of St. Mary's Hospital Medical School, said: “If I had to choose between exercise and a sense of humour as a panacea for long life, I should not hesitate, I should choose laughter.”

Spilling the Ink.

A Glasgow merchant, famous in his way, came into his office one morning and found a young clerk writing a letter in rather a flourishing hand. “My man,” he observed, “dinna mak' the tails o' yer g's and y's quite sae long. I want the ink tae last the quarter oot.”

* * *

A Soft Job.

Pat was obviously pleased with life. Later he met Mike. “Well,” said his friend, “how do you like your new job?”

“It's the finest I've ever known,”

“And what do you have to do?”

“I've nothing to do at all. I just carries a load of bricks up the ladder to the bricklayer, and he does all the work.”

* * *

At the Bathing Pool.

Once a year the newsboys of a certain district of London are taken for an outing up the Thames by a gentleman of the neighbourhood, where they can bathe to their heart's content.

As one little boy was getting into the water a friend observed: “I say, Bill, ain't you dirty.”

“Yes,” replied Bill. “I missed the train last year.”

* * *

The Crop Fails.

An absent-minded woman had insisted upon being operated on for appendicitis. Some time after her recovery she turned up at the consulting-room and asked the doctor if he would mind telling her what he had found in her appendix.

“Well,” said the doctor, “I may as well admit to you that yours was the most extraordinary case I have ever handled. I never found any thing like it in an appendix before. You will hardly believe it, but I found several small, hard seeds.”

“Oh!” said the woman. “That accounts for our having no sweet peas this year, I must have sown the pills.”