XXV
Assorted Parsons

That he be minister, parson or priest,
Shan't count against him; not in the least.
We'll welcome and help him whenever we can,
For sure, after all, he's a sort of a man.

Having been brought up as a Quaker, it is almost impossible for the writer to take seriously, qua parson, any kind of priest, minister, professional preacher, or other religious medicine man. However fine a fellow he may be otherwise, the absurdity of his position, or rather pretension, always tickles irresistibly my sense of humour. So when riding down the track in the early days, I met the first black coat coming up to our little valley, I am afraid I did not feel particularly overjoyed, more especially when Its contents, which were anything but pre-possessing, addressed me very solemnly thus: "My name is Mister McQuinney, and the service is advértissed at half-past six." However, I told him how to get to our wharé, and that my brother was at home. He found it all right, and my brother welcomed him hospitably, as up country one always page 179welcomes anybody, and set to work to do his best for him. There was no meat at the moment, so he boiled him a couple of eggs. These after trial were solemnly rejected, as were, with equally smileless seriousness, two more couples. The fact is, H. had found a nest and was going through the lot, in hopes.

This unco dour and dismal personage was an unsuccessful cobbler who had taken to expounding the scriptures, and was now some sort of lay preacher or improver. In the pulpit, I was told, he dwelt, to the exclusion of almost all else, on the horrors of hell, a special breed of fiery worms being his strong suit. He called later on, after the arrival of the family mother, but our usually so sweet tempered old collie, Mattie, whose young puppies were hard by, didn't at all like the look of him, and running up from behind, expressed her views, by giving him a least little ladylike nip in the leg. Much disconcerted, with a face as long as a fiddle, and almost weeping, he came up for sympathy to the lady of the house, who could hardly keep her countenance, as he pulled up his trouser to show the microscopic mark.

The next preacher to come up the Valley was little Dean X, who was, as it happened, a particularly decent chap, and as consci-page 180entlous and outspoken "as they make 'em." The sort of man whose feelings you would naturally go some way to spare, by refraining from flaunting any really unessential difference of opinion.

But with the representatives of some of the other sects one did not always feel quite so much at home. Especially was there one type of over-breezy, extra-manly, super-hearty, condescending-to-your-uninstrudted-weakness "minister" who, every time, gave occasion to the ungodly to blaspheme, and always raised the very devil in us outsiders. Quite early on, it had been decided among us to build a little assembly room near the centre of the very scattered settlement, to be used for various useful purposes during the week and which, on Sunday, was to be available for the use of the preachers of various denominations, who should arrange dates among themselves.

There was, near by, a little woman, of the salt, or shall I not rather say the sugar, of the earth, the not very young wife of a rarity a quite illiterate Scot. This man, a very able and quite well-to-do sheep farmer, who kept all his accounts in his head, lived with his wife in a mud-floored thatched cottape "but and ben" which she always kept 'in apple-pie order. She was as kind-hearted, page break

Plate XXII
Waikaremoana Bush

page 181hardworking, and able a little woman as you would ever be likely to meet, and not in essentials at all narrow-minded, but she was completely puzzled by our refusal to christen the new room "The Gospel Hall." Thinking always the best of everyone she knew, she reckoned us all quite nice fellows. Then why, oh why not? It worried her dreadfully.

Two Quakers, not of course in any sense parsons, visited us at different times. One was a man of the utmost respectability, exemplified by his hiring a good buggy and pair to come up and see us, and culminating, alas and alas, in his assumption of a shiny top hat, That hat pretty definitely "put the lid" on him.

The other was that good man the late Joseph Neave of Sidney, whom I picked up on the road. He had started to walk the fifteen miles, carrying his little bag. It did not matter a tinker's damn whether you believed in this man's religion or not, you soon, believed in him. He was one of the very few genuinely thorough Christians I have ever met. He would give to them that asked of him, and from them that would borrow off him he never turned away. He would give, and not infrequently had given, his coat off his back to one more needy than himself, in fact he never considered his own page 182well being at all. He not only loved his neighbour as himself, but much more.

And yet one saw, sadly enough, that had he schemed his life for that very purpose, he could not have shown more clearly the impossibility of any such unmitigated Christianity, as a plan of living, in this present wicked world. You can fancy, for instance, what a trial was such a man to his wife and family. For they, though also excellent folks, were not likewise saints.

Another Church of England parson rode up in the winter, when the road was one long quag. Some ladies of his Gisborne congregation were condoling with him on his return as to the miriness of the way. "Yees," he slowly minced, "Yees—but it was naice med." He was not exactly our style either.

I happened to be in Gisborne when Queen Victoria's Jubilee was being celebrated by a procession and the opening of a little public park with speeches.

The first orator was a pompous local soldier man, tall and heavy.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," he roared, "you are probably not aware, the district can hardly be aware, that I" (striking his great chest) "that I have seen the Queen. And not only have I seen the Queen, but I have page 183seen Napoleon's carriage at Madame Tussaud's!"

Then the Vicar held forth plain, sensible and short, with no flowers, followed by the Rev. B. F. Blight (his actual surname), a Wesleyan divine of the most cautious temperament. "The character of the Queen, my friends, is everything we could possibly wish—(a pause)—as far as we know."

Finally, Father Connolly, big, red and fat. He spoke for Ireland, and, refusing to be hampered by any such paltry things as facts, lied amply and beautifully right through. It was roses, roses, all the way, and such a success, that there was not a single black Protestant in the assembly that was not quite carried off his feet. Ah, my brethren, what a gift!

There were a few "fancy religions" about also. Mormon missionaries had come, but were not well received. Eddyites had not, I think, in my time appeared, but there was a little set of well-living folk who belonged to another American sect, the Seventh Day Adventists, and would do no work on Saturdays. I knew of a Seventh-day housemaid who, having a strictly Sabbatarian mistress, got the two days off each week. An able managing Scotchwoman, who had brought up a large family in the faith, sent page 184a son to the States to be trained at one of their sectarian colleges. He came back quite fallen from grace. He said the whole thing was run by a handful of Americans who made huge profits out of the worthless literature that all converts had to buy. This, story, true or not, proved a little unsettling to the faithful,