Sludge

"GROTT, J."—The facts as I see them are these: Ramsbottom, in the company of three unemployed intellectuals, gained access to the National Gallery and by devious means managed to take with him a Salvador Dali print entitled "Nude With Big Feet." Their visit, however, happened to coincide with the opening day of the Kelliher Art Competition.

I regret to say that up to this point no crime had been committed, but for fear of disappointing those little old ladies at the back of the Court who, incidentally, have come all the way from Thorndon this morning to see the death sentence passed, I shall continue the narrative.

Cunningly disguised as human beings these pimply lads stood reverently in the queue of Godfearing octogenarians waiting to hang their traditional paint-by-number pictures of the Ngauranga Sewage Outlet and Fog Over Featherston in spaces held by two-hundred-year season tickets. Eventually their "turn" came and they moved forward and were about to attempt to nail the print to the wall when they were prevented from doing so by Police Constable Crint, O.B.E. He warned them that if they proceeded with this course of action he would have no alternative but to read the Riot Act or something.

At this Constable Crint sprang to his feet to recite the Riot Act, but sat down equally quickly when he remembered he did not know it. He did later question the youths and asked Ramsbottom his name. "Ramsbottom," he sneered and was booked for obscene language. With commendable devotion to duty the constable stuck to his task until Ramsbottom capitulated and agreed that his name was "Johann Sebastian Bach."

The reply was enough to make Mr. Macintosh himself blush. "Go away," Ramsbottom snarled. Then, according to Crint's evidence, Ramsbottom tripped and blacked both his eyes on the polished floor. Undeterred, the group contrived to hang the painting before the very eyes of one hundred clean-living Wellingtonians including Mother of Six and Constable Crint's mother, who is 104.

In my opinion, for what it is worth, this is a clear-cut case of hanging a work of art in the National Gallery. Authority for this is found in the case of Grott v. The Paekakariki Glee Club, decided in 1862. There a bucket of manure fell on a workman during the course of his employment and it was held that the man could not recover since the weight had reduced his head to a bloody pulp (Screams of "More," "Yippee" and "We love you, Grotty, oh yes we do" from the little old ladies at the back of the Court).

"However, I am convinced that the present case can be resolved on the basis of a universally accepted legal maxim which I have just invented. It is 'Chacun Australes facere peuvent nous pouvons mieux facere,' which means that 'anything those Aussie perverts can do we can do better.' They will be hanged by the neck until they are dead and may Geering have mercy on their souls."

Justice Grott is 74, or not as the case may be.