page 5

Sludge

The Decline And Fall Of Ralph Nannah

September, 1967: Parliament enacts legislation abolishing the Indecent Publications Tribunal and substituting Board composed of the Minister of Justice, the Attorney-General, the Minister for Maori Affairs, and the Member for Invercargill under the chairmanship of Ralph Nannah. "From now on all books will be oneman-banned" quips Nannah.

October, 1967: Nannah gives first decision. Book referred to him by Paekakariki Glee Club. Title: "The Coventry Climax," written by Stirling Moss. Held indecent on grounds that it is, in fact, a cunningly-disguised treatise on the sexual aberrations of Lady Godiva.

November, 1967: Miss Monica Tittleface of the Upper Hutt Citadel's "Win our Dairies for Christ" team refers paperback version of "The House at Pooh Corner" to Board. Nannah gives verdict after three minutes' close scrutiny of the cover. Decision: Banned on grounds that cover depicts midget in bearskin sitting under tree with pot (marijuana?) of honey and six-year-old girl. Obviously an insidious revamp of Omar Khayyam aimed at the youth of New Zealand. The "House" must therefore be a brothel.

November 5th, 1967: Annual event launched by Nannah to replace traditional Guy Fawkes. Consists of burning of Encyclopaedia Britannica for its daring to point out that fall of Roman Empire was due to political division after the Empire had been Christian for 120 years.

July, 1968: First signs that Nannah is beginning to crack under the strain. After banning four millionth book ("Constitutional Problems in New Zealand" by R. Nannah) announces candidacy for United States Presidency, also confiding that he thinks he has good chance of walking off with Olympic Gold Medal and Nobel Prize for Literature-banning.

January, 1969: Nannah's portrait appears on front page of Time magazine (now unobtainable in New Zealand). Caption reads "New Dark Age Down Under." New Year's Honours list appears. Nannah given OBE. Refuses on grounds that sounds too much like SOB.

November, 1969: Nannah gets more votes in United States election than in Invercargill after classifying ballot-paper as obscene.

March, 1970: Nannah unanimously voted first New Zealand astronaut. Destination . . . Venus.