Sludge

Before the actual announcement of the composition of the 1968 Ball Cocks (made to an audience of the New Zealand nation and two radio hams in Burma) an explanation of the origin of the name Ball Cocks was given by former Ball Cock, Jimmy Knucklehead (108) who was wheeled in amidst cries of "Good Old Jimmy" and other such inspired greetings.

He told of that fateful day in 1864 when the team was touring the Outer Hebrides. They were due to play a team of selected village idiots only to find that their boots had failed to arrive. There had been nothing else for it but to play barefooted and being a pack of "Knucklchead's Men" they tended to be just that. In fact, they hadn't cut their toenails for many years as was realised when every time they tried to kick the ball a loud hissing sound was heard. Seventy-eight balls were lost in this way and the "Outer Hebrides Monthly Claptrap" reported that "never have so many balls been cocked up by so few."

A roar of applause was then heard from the audience despite the fact that they had heard this particular anecdote some twelve thousand times before (with the possible exception of the two Burmese radio hams). Knucklehead was so overcome that his heart almost stopped beating. (Maybe next time.)

Then the big moment arrived. Out into the spotlight strode Clubfoot Fitzpestle, the Master of the Balls. A respectful hush fell on the audience (killing three people including Knucklehead) as the former Ball Cock, a veteran of the 1902 tour of the Wairarapa, read out the names of this year's Ball Cocks.

And what a team it was! There was the late Jimmy Knucklehead's illegitimate grandson "Bastard" Knucklehead at Cock Forward. There was "Scarface" Fitzpestle ready to tear through the opposition's cockline. There were forty tons of flesh waiting to be stamped and freighted overseas to do its duty for the fatherland. But wait!

Where was "Horse" Liniment, the greatest Ball Cocker of them all? Never before has a team gone overseas without a recognised Ball Cocker. Women wept in the aisles and grown men blubbered like babies as Liniment ambled up to Fitzpestle afterwards and shook his throat to show there were no hard feelings.

However, Liniment is so popular a fund has been launched to send him overseas.

As what happens either way I'm going to stick my neck out and say that the Ball Cocks are likely to be given a surprise or two this time (particularly as New Zealand is the only country in the world left which plays this game).