Sludge

Dukie Wows Em Down Under (writes Gavin prik, Our-Man-In-The Blood and Bone-Barrel).

Right from the moment whet his built-up shoes hit the tarmac (and three grovelling MP's) this Itinerant Prince Charming was made to feel at home.

A milling crowd of nine spontaneously broke into the Maori [unclear: chant]

With tears in his eyes His Royal Highness whispered something to a police official.

Shortly afterwards the nine admirers were led to a waiting Black Maria.

This was to set the tone for the whole visit.

Then it was on to Parliament where he autographed the Prime Minister whilst hovering tree inches off the ground in an Iroquois helicopter (on loan from the Fijian Air Force).

The giddy whirl continued with a lightning drive to Taita where DSIR scientists are working round the clock to produce synthetic mud.

The Duke startled his audience immediately by pointing at a huge vat of the apalling stuff and mouthing "Mud."

"He showed a knowledge way beyond what we were told to expect," exuded Horace Snarl (Professor of Bumbledom).

"He even knew the difference between four million gallons of mud and a plate of pretzels.

"I wouldn't have thought that Royalty would have been interested in that sort of thing."

As he left this establishment (bearing a specially-frozen hunk of mud for Prince Andrew) he was farewelled by pupils of Taita College who had not allowed the torrential rain to prevent them from being herded on to a playing field to wave goodbye.

Indeed all the way through the Hurt Valley workers were seen to down tools and react spontaneously, (492 of them will appear in Court on Wednesday).

It was whilst he was on his way back to the Capital that newsmen witnessed one of the most touching moments of the Tour.

As he was ascending the steps to Parliament Buildings the Duke suddenly spun round and appeared to grind a camera lens into the startled eyeball of a stray photographer.

"He was so relaxed," enthused the hapless cameraman later.

Inside Parliament again, the Duke spoke for a moment with the Prime Minister who extolled the virtues of a new kind of haircream he was using.

"Ever since I started using this stuff the National Party has not lost a General Election," boasted Keith.

His Royal Highness displayed a keen knowledge of New Zealand politics by retorting quick as a flash:

"Then why don't you smear it over the Taj Mahal?"

Needless to say this brought the house down.

After the State Luncheon, the Duke spoke for five hours about nothing in particular and painstakingly avoided any reference to such controversial subjects as welfare services on Pitcairn Island, the teaching of Esperanto in the Marlborough Sounds and the Pill for Prince Charles.

Instead he chose to emphasise the ties that bind whilst pointing out that Britain leads the World in boredom and irrelevance, two of the qualities most notably exported to the Commonwealth.

Mr Holyoake's speech was to prove him correct.

His opening sentence was a gem:

"In New Zealand today there are nine thousand people without work. In France there are eight Million ! ! !"

The evening was spent freely with no official engagements.

But it is officially rumoured that Prince Philip spent it visiting a distant cousin who runs a "dancing academy" in Vivian Street....