Doublethink

By Jim Mitchell

A New dialectical dictionary of doublethink for the campus. The classical basis for this dictionary will be found in George Orwell's 1984; this edition is intended especially for aspiring liberals, etc., who desire to bleed their consciences over the world's problems—J.M.

Academic Freedom: That which is endangered whenever a left-wing professor is requested to add a few facts to his propaganda.

Arab: A victim of aggression from Israel, a larger (but non-existent) nation than the Arab states. Skin colouration is dark, as opposed to Israelis, (q.v.).

Capitalist: Anyone who accepts the capitalist system (classified as per fascist, (q.v.) except for left-wing students who accept bursaries from the system.

"Che lives": A with-it chant at demonstrations, replacing "Ho, Ho, Ho, Chi Minn." Che does not live, but is expected to be reincarnated from the ashes of the U.S.I.S. in Waring Taylor Street.

Fascist: Any person not being a communist or part thereof (e.g. Maoist, Trotskyite, etc.) or leftwinger. In New Zealand, usually applied to the political spectrum which includes the centre and right wings of the Labour Party, the Social Credit Party, and the National Party.

Free Press: There is none in N.Z., except for "People's Voice" (although even this is denied by some segments of left-wing opinion).

"Free Press": The organ of infant power in New Zealand. Published by adolescents for infants.

Gager, Owen: (Archaic) Owie babe (q.v.).

Genocide: A crime in international law, committed when two Africans are hanged for murder in Rhodesia. Formerly (now an archaic usage) when 340.000 Tibetans killed by Peoples' Republic of China, or when Chinese massacred by Indonesians. See qualifications under racialist (2) regarding colour of skin.

Impartial: Adj. referring to a "discussion" at which the correct view is presented.

Israeli: A member of an aggressive nation (the existence of which is disputed) whose skin colour is while There is a semantic difficulty here, as some Israelis are Yemeni Jews, with the same colouration as Arabs (q.v.). See also Jew.

Jew: A victim of genocide (q.v.) in the archaic sense, therefore not to be sympathised with. See Israeli.

Liberal: (1) In Britain and America a person who can call for the abolition of the armed forces, and in the same sentence state that they should be sent to invade South Africa. Portugual and Rhodesia. (2) In New Zealand a person who can explain why "Truth's" articles on Prof. Milner is an abuse of academic freedom (q.v), and why Salients story on Mr P. J. Kelly has nothing to do with McCarthyism and smear tactics.

McCarthy, Eugene: God (now believed to be either dead or in retirement). Not to be confused with McCarthy, Joseph.

Non-violent: Usually applied to demonstrations, etc., in which only the cops get killed.

Nuclear Non-proliferation Treaty: A capitalist and revisionist plot (since failed) to prevent the People's Republic of China obtaining appropriate defensive weapons.

N.Z.R.F.U.: An illegal regime, at present controlling rugby in New Zealand. Owing to its deviant political affiliations, it will shortly be abolished by a resolution of the United Nations (q.v.).

Olympic Games: (1) An international sporting event (archaic). (2) An international political event. Andorra and Nauru Island are expected to be the only competitors at the next Games, all other participants have withdrawn in protest against each others' politics.

Police Brutality: That which results from police defending themselves.

Racialist: (1) Anyone who disagrees with a liberal (see fascist). (2) A white man who can be said to have injured the rights of a black man (n.b. there is no equivalent word to describe a black man injuring the rights of a European or Asian).

Racist: A word used by ungrammatical liberals, meaning racialist (q.v.).

Rugby: A game played in the United Nations by independent African states.

Rugby player: (1) A person deficient in intelligence who, if he visits South Africa or Rhodesia, might succumb to the wiles and propaganda of the fascist racialists, first defined in this manner by Mr D. Shand, March 1969. (2) An ambassador of the New Zealand government, whose aim is to foster support for apartheid. Sharpeville: A non-Jewish version of the Wailing Wall of Jerusalem. Commemorated each year to prevent fascists (q.v.) asking about deathrolls in the Congo and Biafra.

Sportsman: A representative of one government, accredited to another, with the intention of showing approval of the political system in the second country.

Threat to World Peace: Any country in southern Africa which, during the last ten years, has refrained from attacking its neighbours.

United Nations: A body which exists, contrary to article 2, para. 7 of its charter, to interfere in the internal affairs of member and nonmember states.

Vietnam, North: A peaceful country which is being attacked by South Vietnam (q.v.) and America, New Zealand. Australia. South Korea and Thailand.

Vietnam, South: A country (there is some doubt on this, as many allege that it does not exist) which is attacking North Vietnam (q.v.).

Wa-benizi: (Swahili) an African tribe, composed mainly of government officials, whose members may be known by their Mercedes-Benz cars. (N.b. this tribe is believed to be mythical—at least by liberals).