If any of you sporting girls are off to build bridges to South Africa you had better learn about one custom that is not widely reported in our newspapers. You see, the South Africans are worried about this minority business. There are too many blacks and too few whites. The answer? First separate the black men from the black women by forcing the black men to live in single sex slums around the cities, second, keep contraceptives away from Europeans.

Now you may think the first step is okay, but if you're off to South Africa to play hockey, or perform in athletics, you had best take an extra month or two's supply of your favourite contraceptive. One sportswoman found out about the state of affairs in South Africa, benefiting New Zealand's population by one little boy eight months or so after returning from South Africa, which I imagine rather upset her training, what! So, girls remember, when going to the jolly racist land of South Africa pack your bills!

Killing the little guy

In the current issue of The Australian Stock Exchange Journal there is an article by Mr Frank Cream the Federal Treasurer, who is quoted as saying that the small investor hardly exists. "What figures I can find show that most people have not got a cracker in company stock."

But as one commentator aptly pointed out this is rather like the pioneer Tasmanian settler saying he could not find an aborigine after he had killed them off. So who are the killers in the stock market?

Let them eat cake

Johannesburg (ANS) — The white supremacist South African government has announced plans to destroy thousands of tons of bananas in an effort to drive up the price — despite the widespread famine killing thousands of Africans.

The Banana Control Board of South Africa recognises the unpopularity of its decision, but justifies it by pointing to emergency conditions namely the fact that this year's bumber crop has caused the market to fall to near record lows. The board also claims that the cost of distributing the fruit to underfed Africans would be too high.

The action is not precedent-setting in the country; five years ago large quantities of milk and citrus fruits were dumped because of over supplies.

Now that's really backing your local police

Seattle (SW) — The president of a "support your local police" association in Seattle has been arrested and charged with attempting to bribe two policemen.

Donald Gok Louie, President of the International Footprint Association (?!) allegedly wanted the two vice squad cops to ignore gambling in the city's Chinatown.

Kissinger aids scab labour

Mexico (ANSI — US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is reportedly involved in plans to import 300,000 Mexican workers a year to harvest crops in the American west.

In two recent Mexico City trips, Kissinger discussed revival of the old "bracero" programme, which lasted from 1958—1964, allowed California growers to bring about 90,000 Mexican farmworkers per year into the fields at substandard wages as strikebreakers against the old United Farmworkers Organising committee.

Current UFW officials have denounced the Kissinger talks as an effort to weaken the UFW boycott, and have alleged that Kissinger is involved in the teamster — grower conspiracy that became active against the farmworkers last year.

Sainthood with honour

Berkeley (SNT) — A small California-based group is trying to mount a national drive to convince Richard Nixon to kill himself for the sake of the Republic.

The organisation, the People's Coalition for the Suicide of Nixon, is distributing bumper stickers which read: "Richard Nixon Become a Saint — Kill Yourself".

'This is the only way out for him to get out of the presidency with honour," a spokesperson for the group said recently, "It will sure save the people a lot of grief. This is the only way left for Richard Nixon to achieve greatness."

The Coalition has written to the Gallup Poll organisation asking that presidential popularity polls be expanded to read: "Do you think President Nixon should leave office by a) resignation, b) impeachment, or c). suicide."

The poll-takers have yet to reply.

What's in a name?

Any German-English dictionary will tell you the literal meanings of the names of the men who quit the Nixon Administration over the Watergate Scandal.

Ehrlichman means "honest man"; Kleindienst in German, means "small service"; and Haldeman is German for "dump man".

Howitzers for breakfast

Washington (ZNS) — A new agreement approved this month by the US Department of Agriculture will allow South Vietnam to use all its "Food for Peace" money to purchase armaments instead.

Under previous agreement, the Thieu regime had been allowed to spend 80% of its "Food for Peace" allotment from the United States for military weapons. The remaining 20% was required to be spent on food for the Vietnamese population.

The Agriculture Department's new policy is worth over $23 million annually to the South Vietnamese military.

Under the terms of the Paris "peace" agreements, the United States is forbidden to supply Thieu with additional weapons.

What unemployment?

Washington (ZNS) — The Nixon Administration has come up with a unique solution to the American unemployment problem.

Unfortunately, the solution is not concerned with reducing the number of unemployed instead, the government is changing its definition of "full employment" At present "full employment" is taken to mean that less than four per cent of the work force is actually unemployed. At the end of March, however, a new definition becomes "operative", and "full employment" will mean that up to 4.8 per cent of the work force is really out-of-work.

The difference is that an additional half to three quarters of a million people can lose their jobs and the United States will still officially, be at "full employment".

Should have been in the movies

Washington (SWS) — California Governor Ronald Reagan said here last week that although he can't do anything about the free food being handed out as payment for the return of Patricia Hearst, he felt it was "too bad we can't have an epidemic of botulism among the recipients."

He later told reporters that the comment, made at a meeting closed to the public, had been a "joking remark". What a wit.

Racist of the week

Lisbon (SWS) — Portuguese Premier Marcello Caetano told the national assembly last week that Portugal is determined to maintain its African colonies regardless of cost.

He added that any form of self-determination it inappropriate for the African mentality.

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