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Philiberta: A Novel

Chapter XLIV

Chapter XLIV.

We could not show in Invercargill for several nights, because there was no hall at liberty. So we lazied through the days, and spent the evenings visiting the other shows. One of these page 286was a panorama. 'The Unrivalled, Marvellous, Mechanical, Pyro-Polytechno-Pantascopic Diorama,' it called itself, and of course stronger minds than the Itinerants' would have given in to such a title as that. We went in a body, 'dead heads,' of course, being 'in the perfeshion.' But we could scarcely have felt more sorry for going if we had paid. It was about the dreariest business we ever sat through. The lecturer stood on a high deal box on the stage, and held forth somewhat in this style:

'At the base of this noble fall, ladies and gents, are frequently observed magnificent circular rainbows—Hi! behind there'—(a click of machinery, and enter circular rainbows)—'I need scarcely ask you, ladies and gents,' continued the lecturer, rapping the vision animatedly with a long stick, whether this does not recali to you, in all its beauty, that halo which was presented in a celestial vision to the notorious—I mean—celebrated—Hebrew prophet.'

A man behind me whispered audibly to his neighbour:

'I say, Bill, bet you three half-pints you don't guess that there prophet.'

'Solomon—in course,' replied Bill.

'Solomon!' scornfully. 'Him as had all them wives? Blessed old Mormon, nobody ever give him a cirkler rainbow, you take yer oath.'

'Well, David, then,' said Bill, and Bill's mate could not suppress his contempt.

'David! Great Gosh!—him as stole Goliah's wife and then let upon the old man with a sling for playing the harp before King Pharer! My—but you must ha' been brought up on a mighty short allowance o' Bible 'istory, you must.'

'Well, wot's the use o' bein' so dirty partikler about a cirkler rainbow, anyhow?' quoth Bill, a little wroth over the reflection upon his education. 'I don't care who's got cirkler rainbows, and who hasn't. I know I got Bible 'istory enough to knock cirkler rainbows out'n any prophet as ever was; and If anybody wants 'em partikler bad just now, let 'em come outside, and I'll supply 'em free gratis—with stars and comets thrown in.'

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Bill's friend remarked that he 'wasn't on—leastways not just now—with the p'leece at the door; but wait a bit!'

What came of it we never knew, for we left the hall before they did.

Oar Basso brought ridicule upon the Itinerant Show at our first performance in Invercargill, by attempting to wear a pair of property pantaloons that were too small for him. In the middle of the second act of his favourite piece a sudden sound of splitting rent the air, and we off the wings beheld more of Our Basso's noble left leg than decency required. Fortunately that leg was the farthest from the audience, and, by judicious posturing, Our Basso succeeded in making exit without public exhibition of the disaster. But his next entrance had to be within a few moments of his exit, and how to get him repaired in time was a poser. Our Leading Lady came to the rescue with needle and thread, bur before the rent was half closed, Our Basso cried in an agonized whisper, 'Lord! there's my cue!' and we beheld Our Tenor, who had the stage, casting impatient glances off the side.

Said Our Basso—'I'll go on with one leg, and keep the other behind the wing till you've finished.'

'Very well,' said Our L.L., hastily rethreading her needle; 'put your leg right far back, else the front rows will see me at it.'

'False traitor, I de-e-e-fy thee-e!' sang Our Basso in mellowest recitative on the stage; then, leaning back, 'For God's sake, quick, or we shall be ruined,' to our L.L.

Whether Our Tenor acted in ignorance or in malice prepense we could never prove, but anyhow he made a sudden fierce onslaught upon Our Basso, seized him by the shoulders to quick music, dragged him to the middle of the stage, and there exposed him, Our L.L still clinging wildly to the damaged leg. It was awful, and at least thirty seconds must have elapsed before we could get at the pulleys to let down the curtain.

This mishap terminated that night's performance, but, as the show was but half over, one of us went before the curtain and made an elaborate apology, offering the audience a choice page 288between return of money then and free admission on the following night. They were good-humoured enough to choose the latter, and made such good use of their privilege that the theatre was crowded an hour before opening-time next night. They kindly brought all their friends and relations, unto the third and fourth generation, as I compute, on the strength of that free admission. No doubt they would all have enjoyed themselves very much had not Our Basso and Our Tenor, to heal a furious quarrel they had had about the incident of the preceding night, got blind drunk together. The audience bore bravely with the hiccoughing rendition of the duet, 'Flow gently, Deva;' and I afterwards heard a critic say that he didn't believe there was another duet on earth in which two vocalists could sing entirely different words to entirely different tunes with such remarkable effect. But when Our Tenor attempted his favourite solo, 'Trafalgar's Bay,' and informed his hearers, with a fearful screech, that 'Hengland expects that hevery flag that man would do his country,' the audience rose as one soul and rushed the stage. The Itinerant Show fled.

After that, our only trouble was quitting Invercargill. We owed money, and we had none. Three ferocious creditors pursued us to the very Bluff and on board the steamer there. The captain was for turning us all ashore again. Then appeared the Good Samaritan. He was an elderly gentleman, of grave aspect, and with no hair on his head to speak of. He was a passenger by the steamer, and a total stranger to us. 'What's the damage?' said he.

Our creditors named the amount, and our Samaritan wrote a cheque without another word. It was a good cheque too.

Well, strange as it may appear, we felt humiliated and ashamed of ourselves. We did not know how to frame our thanks. Our preserver did not seem to want any, though, for he fell into easy chat with us about the scenery and the prospects of the country, and all the rest of it, just as if the miracle he had wrought a few moments before were the most natural and everyday affair possible.

Said Our Basso—'If ever anybody dies and leaves me a for-page 289tune, I'll make a will handing it all over to that old chap, and then I'll blow my brains out to make sure of his getting it quick.'

I said it was a brilliant idea, and I hoped he might get a chance of carrying it out; but he did not seem to take my remark as kindly as it was meant, for he said that for two pins he would throw me overboard. Then he left me, and went and made friends with a travelling insurance agent and two clergymen, and they all went to play whist in the smoking-saloon, and in two hours Our Basso had won every sixpence they had. Then he came on deck to where I was leaning, suffering, over the rail, and asked me where the Samaritan was. I answered as well as I could between the resurrectionary spasms that he was gone to bed sea-sick.

'Then I must get the steward to knock him up,' said Our Basso. I said that in my opinion it would be a rude and unfeeling thing to do at that hour. Our Basso said that my opinion did not matter a single continental to him. That for once in his life he had got an honest impulse, and he was going to act on it, even if he had to wade through fire and water to do it. But it had to be done quick, else the impulse would wear off, so he'd go down now and find that Samaritan.

Seeing Our Basso's determination, I resolved to go with him to keep him out of danger, so I offered to show him the Samaritan's cabin. With difficulty and many stoppages, we at last reached No. 17, and entered unceremoniously. At least, Our Basso did. I was content to subside on to the floor in the doorway, but I saw Our Basso rouse the Samaritan and pay him the amount of his cheque cheerfully, and on behalf, as he said, of a grateful Itinerant Show. Then Our Basso sat down on the Samaritan's bed and began to talk about his relations, and I crawled off to a corner and went to sleep.

It was not until next morning that we discovered that the vessel we had embarked in was bound for Timaru. In our hurry to escape we had given no thought to our probable destination. We had boarded the only ship at the Bluff pier that had steam up and was giving sign of speedy departure. Besides repaying the Samaritan, Our Basso had enough out of that little page 290game of whist to pay our fares, which was a comfort to the captain, who had looked upon us as a certain dead loss. We were three days at sea, with rough weather and head wind, and we were as miserable a crew as ever crawled thankfully on to dry land that misty afternoon when we were put ashore in surfboats at Timaru.

The Samaritan landed with us, and we discovered that he was a squatter in the Mackenzie Country. He bade us a cheerful adieu, and started for his station in the trap that had been awaiting him two days in town. That his flocks and herds might multiply and spread throughout all the land, in numbers exceeding those of the patriarch Jacob, and that he might live for ever, and his prosperity never grow less, was the earnest and united prayer of the Itinerant Show.