The Spike or Victoria College Review, June 1903
O Tempora! O Mores!
O Tempora! O Mores!
Scene.— Judge's Chambers.
Dramatis Personæ.—A Chairman, an Inspector of schools, a Chief Justice (being a Sub-Committee of a College Council), and a Student.
[Enter Chairman and Inspector of Schools.]Inspector—What stays him? Chairman—Perhaps his equal mind deliberates
The chances fine twixt guilt and innocence
In case of horrid murder. Or—
Enter C. J.C.J.—Excuse me, gentlemen.
A quiet game of fan-tan sent the hours
Gliding before I knew't. I called you here
On matter of importance. This College which we rule,
Well staffed by men of learning sound, natheless
Is pupill'd by a rowdy crew of undergraduates.
A Chair of Good Behaviour would I found,
And manners fine— Inspector—Pearls you would cast before a herd of— C. J.—Just so. But list to me.
Six months ago, not far from here,
I did preside where boys all bibbed and tuckered— Chairman— well tuckered? C. J.—Their hard-earned prizes took. Them I addressed
In words of strong approval. "May you a leaven bear"—
These were my words—"To those in other halls,
Who flout the dignity of powers that are.
They take their guerdon to the sound
Of drum, and bell, and song disorderly.
I'd have them clap demurely when I pause,
Like you "—again my very words—" and show their paces:
Give a speech or two, or read a thesis
On Philosophy." Chairman—Good little boys! Inspector—You should inspect the schools of my control. page 38 C. J.—At Leland Stanford Junior University—
[Enter a Student in cap and gown, in haste.] Student (breathless)—Good sirs! C. J.—Take off your cap, sir. [Student uncovers] But stay. Is't not a sweater that I see beneath your gown? Student—I've just come from examination, Sir. But list to me. C. J.—You list to me.
Did not some grave official warn you from the room? Student—One tried to bounce me, Sir;
But when he found that game was threadbare,
Threatened me with dire pain of Senate's anger.
The Senate sits— But, Sir, But— C. J.—But me no Buts. You say the Senate sits.
In sweaters, too? Student—An you say so, Sir,
I will believe it. But 'tis infamous. C. J.—Hum—well—let that pass.
What says the Registrar upon this matter? Student—At Trinity College, Dublin, he declares,
Bound by traditional oppression and red tape, the Irish
In dress-suits are examined. C. J.—Then you in dress-suit should have gone. Student—The same was in my mind, but I reflected
The humour would be lost. The times, I know,
Are out of Joynt. But list. C. J.—What is it you would say? Student—By mystery profound professors five
Have disappeared. Chairman—And term begins to-morrow. C. J.—Has search been made? Student—We've scoured the country—golf-links
And tennis courts—no nook unsearched—And still they are not. page 39