page 41

Piercing the Fog

The mists of antiquity are mists indeed for most of us. A knowledge of the classics, once in the nature of a social sine qua non, is nowadays but rarely met with. Indeed, the general inclination to seek inspiration from live Russians rather than from dead Greeks cannot wholly be condemned by the most ardent antiquarian.

There is, however, much to be said for mythology and ancient history. He who religiously (or irreligiously) scans his Truth week by week is, perhaps, unaware that the Greek and Roman archives contain material of the same quality and concern themselves with people who are much more entertaining.

It was considered by Mr. Puddingfield, of Melrose, whose "Who was Who in the Hazy Days" has just come to hand that, notwithstanding their pantheism and strange habits, the ancients were far more businesslike and much less emotional than the conservatism of the chroniclers would have us believe. The following excerpts are culled at random from Mr. Puddingfield's masterpiece:

Achilles: A Greek general and king. In his infancy he was dipped in a tub of the Greek equivalent of Life-buoy by an earnest female relative anxious to procure for him immunity from certain social evils. His heel, which escaped immersio, caused him trouble in later years.

Adonis: A beautiful youth. So beautiful, in fact, that his charms caused the goddess Venus to shelve her maidenly reticence for a space. This lapse is fully reported by Bacon—or is it Shakespeare?

Aegyptus: King of Egypt. Begot fifty sons and shared the Nobel Prize with his brother Danaus (50 daughters).

Aeneas: A commercial traveller in the soft soap business. Passing acquaintance of Dido, Queen of Carthage, who in the absence of a Carthaginian Destitute Persons' Act ingenuously slew herself on his departure.

Aesop: The Greek Baron Munchausen.

Ajax: Another general and king. In the contest for the armour of Achilles, Ajax was defeated by Ulysses. This resulted in copious sorrow-drowning at the canteen, and in the midst of the subsequent D.Ts. Ajax rushed from his tent and slaughtered the sheep of the Greek Army, fancying they were his enemies. This action displeased the Q.M.S. who is reported to have remonstrated with Ajax. In a fit of pique Ajax killed the Q.M.S., and finally stabbed himself, so ending the fit of pique.

Bacchus: God of grapes and hops. The life of all Olympian parties.

Daedalus: A Cretan carpenter who became air-minded in later life and founded the Aero Club movement. His venture into the stratosphere is recorded, but his observations on cosmic rays appear to have been unprintable.

Danae: The victim of superabundant caution on the part of her wary sire, Acrisius, who confined her in a tower of brass. But love laughs at locksmiths, and Jupiter positively guffawed at brazen towers. He descended in a shower of gold with a complete absence of fuss and bother. We are told that Argos went off the gold standard immediately.

Echo: A nymph who naturally believed in having the last word. Her utterances were consistently plagiaristic, and she was continually being molested on this ground by the Greek Performing Rights Society.

Jupiter (Jove): The man himself. Doyen of the heavenly underworld, and like a local aspirant for parliamentary honours, "hurricane, lightning—everything." The Lon Chaney of Olympus. In appearance, the original Whiskers Blake.

Leander: The first known channel-swimmer. The attraction was Hero, a Turkish ballerina spending her annual leave, from duty in the harem, at the local Lido.

Paris: A well-known adjudicator at Olympic beauty contests. His decision on one occasion earned him the hatred of Juno and Minerva, who made things fairly willing for ten years or so; but Venus—his choice for the title "Miss Olympus"—pulled him through.

Pegasus: The Greek Phar Lap. Odds-on favourite at all Athenian meetings. While in his prime Pegasus, like Phar Lap, had a divine call and became an equine angel.

Penelope: A victim of the knitting craze.

Thisbe: A strange girl. Made an appointment with Pyramus at the tomb of Ninus and arrived first.

Ulysses: A successful business man who later turned globe-trotter. Almost fell foul of a bevy of chorus-girls (sirens) but managed to buy them off. Arrived home just in time to see his wife drop her five-thousandth stitch. In spite of unfavourable evidence he accepted her word and settled down happily to end his days with her.

—Vates.